When, with only 15 minutes left, Charlton went one nil up at the New Den, my wife leaned over and whispered in my ear: “if Charlton win, we’ll do anal tonight.” I couldn’t believe my luck! For the first time in my life, I thought “c’mon you spanners!” Her strap-on is massive.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ..............But I play golf on Fridays 😳🤣😂
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.
The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."
The bartender said "What about your hook?"
The pirate took another long swig. "Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off."
The bartender was growing sceptical. "And how did you get that eyepatch?"
The pirate took another swig. "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."
The bartender said "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck."
The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. "Twas the first day with the hook."
One of mates has 2 spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Luton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Pauline , she's 5'4", about 12 stone, quite pretty and is a really good cook......
Thinking of old jokes there were these two golfers on the 10th green. In the distance a funeral hearse could be seen in the distance and one of the men took off his cap and bowed his head.
”Goodness Jim, I didn’t realise you were religious” said the other one.
”No I’m not really” said the man cap in hand, “ but we HAVE been married seventeen years”
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Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Shouting, ''Keep it down'' didn't help.
A huge amount of pressure and super cooling them to liquify both gasses should do the trick.
They only go bang if you apply a burst of energy.
Is that you, Mrs Idle?
”Goodness Jim, I didn’t realise you were religious” said the other one.
”No I’m not really” said the man cap in hand, “ but we HAVE been married seventeen years”