The queen and dolly parton die on the same day. An angel meets them and tells them theres only room for 1 of them in heaven and asks them why they think they should get in. Dolly takes off her top and says these are the most perfect breasts god ever created and im sure it will please him to see them everyday. The queen drinks a bottle of water wees into a toilet and pulls the lever and is admitted to heaven. Dolly is outraged and asks what was that all about. 'Sorry Dolly' says the angel, 'but even in heaven a Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are!'
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled " how do you like it?" Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "you idiot, it costs us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell."
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insists that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agrees.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she finds 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" she screams.
The surgeon tells her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself" he tells her.
He then explains, "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" the woman asks.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears," says the doctor!
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and Lulu was among them:
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked. "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself." And she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed. "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma Replied. "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry!!
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"God agreed.On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"And God agreed.On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"And God agreed again.On the fourth day, God created the man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But the man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God. "You asked for it."So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
An Englishman, Welshman,
Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down
discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process
of
thought, it comes to one in a flash."
"Good try," agreed the Scot, "but I thing blinking is even
quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. "I am
sure
electricity Is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get
instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in," I believe you all have valid points but
I
think diarrhoea wins, because last night I went down to the local curry
house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of
Guinness. I then retired to bed but at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I
could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself.
Comments
An angel meets them and tells them theres only room for 1 of them in heaven and asks them why they think they should get in.
Dolly takes off her top and says these are the most perfect breasts god ever created and im sure it will please him to see them everyday.
The queen drinks a bottle of water wees into a toilet and pulls the lever and is admitted to heaven.
Dolly is outraged and asks what was that all about.
'Sorry Dolly' says the angel, 'but even in heaven a Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are!'
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled " how do you like it?" Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "you idiot, it costs us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell."
At the end he asks if theres any requests?
A japanese man shouts "play a jazz cord" so stevie plays 15 minutes of harlem jazz.
The same man shouts 'no play a jazz cord!' Stevie is a little miffed by this and says 'if you can do better come up here and have a go.'
So the japanese man sits at the piano picks up the microphone and sings " A JAZZ CORD TO SAY I RUV YOU "
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she finds 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" she screams.
The surgeon tells her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself" he tells her.
He then explains, "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" the woman asks.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears," says the doctor!
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot before his treatment begins.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles!" the patient screams.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man again objects.
"I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!" he complains.
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says relieved. "I’m fine with pills."
The dentist goes to a cupboard on the far side of the room, returns and says, "Here’s a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," says the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down
discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of
thought, it comes to one in a flash."
"Good try," agreed the Scot, "but I thing blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. "I am sure
electricity Is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get
instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in," I believe you all have valid points but I
think diarrhoea wins, because last night I went down to the local curry
house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of
Guinness. I then retired to bed but at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I
could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself.