An undercover cop called at my farm yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
A fireman slid down his pole to get to the engine when he noticed a small boy with a large toy fire engine, a dog and a cat standing watching him. He went over and complimented the boy on his splendid toy. On closer inspection he noticed that the toy was strapped to the dog’s collar and the cat’s bollocks. He told the young lad that perhaps it would be better if the strap was fitted to the cat’s collar as that would mean that the two animals could make a better job of pulling the truck and make it go faster. The boy replied “but then I wouldn’t have a f****n siren would I”.
An Irish girl had left home, and hadn’t been heard from for seven years. She returned, without any notice one evening.“And where have ye been?” her father roared at her. “Yer poor mither has been worrying herself sick, and never even a card from ye!””Oh da,”she tearfully said, “I was too embarrassed; I’ve become a prostitute.””What?” he yelled, “Ye’ll bring shame upon yer whole family! Be off with ye, then!” he exclaimed.”First, may I give the fur coat, and title deed to the house I bought for me mother to her?” she asked. “I’ve got a twenty thousand Rolex watch for me brother, also, and a shiny new black Mercedes automobile fer yerself.””How have you got all that, lass?” the stunned father asked.”I told ye, da, I’m a prostitute.” she reminded him.”Oh, saints preserve us all!” he said, “Come on in, and be welcome! I misheard ye; I thought ye’d said ye had become a Protestant!”
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside
Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:
"California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Baton Rouge, LA reported the following:
"After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture down the bayou, Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. After consulting with his best friend, Thibodeaux, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk says “No use knocking’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either”
Two doctors are in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Molly.
”She’s incredibly mixed up” says one doctor. She does everyone absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2mg of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10mg every 2 hours. He damn near died on us”
The second doctor says “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour. The guy damn near exploded”.
Suddenly they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God” says the first doctor, “I just realised I told Nurse Molly to prick Mr Smith’s boil”
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, “Arrgghhhh”
”What’s the matter?” Asks his wife, “Did I hurt you?”
”No” replies the man, “but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulder.”
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''I'd like some flowers please''
'Orchids?'
''No, just the flowers please''
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk says “No use knocking’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either”
”What did the doctor say” her husband asks.
”He said I have the figure of an eighteen-year-old” she replies
”What did he say about your big fat arse” quips the husband
”Your name didn’t come up”
Two doctors are in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Molly.
”She’s incredibly mixed up” says one doctor. She does everyone absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2mg of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10mg every 2 hours. He damn near died on us”
The second doctor says “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour. The guy damn near exploded”.
Suddenly they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God” says the first doctor, “I just realised I told Nurse Molly to prick Mr Smith’s boil”
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, “Arrgghhhh”
”What’s the matter?” Asks his wife, “Did I hurt you?”
”No” replies the man, “but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulder.”
.The coach driver won £78!