It seems like only yesterday, I was reflecting on one of the old jobs I used to do. I worked at London zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay was awful but the tips were huge!
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.
He whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"
An Irish guy is travelling on a plane when the pilot makes an announcement.
”Folks, we just had one engine go out, but don’t worry, this plane can fly just fine on two engines. All it means is that we’ll be about an hour late”
An hour later, the pilot gets on the intercom again.
”Folks, don’t get alarmed, but a second engine just went out, but please don’t worry. This plane is designed to fly safely on one engine. However, it’s likely that we’ll now be about two hours late”.
After that announcement, the Irish guy turns to the person sitting next to him and says:
”Well, I sure hope that third engine doesn’t go out. We’ll be up here all night”
I've just started a new job. Amazon delivery driver. First job today was to deliver 6m of bubble wrap. ‘Pop it over there’ said the customer. Fours hours later … 🙄
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy"
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted"
Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.......
So I went to this Eskimo restaurant. I asked to see the menu. The waiter said "we don't have a lot of options, so I'll just call them out to you". "We have whale meat steaks, we have whale meat curry, we have whale meat stir-fry and, of course, we have the Vera Lynn." I said, "what's the Vera Lynn?" He said "whale meet again".
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God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do
Something for Me."
Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"
God
Said, "Go down
Into that
Valley." (no, not that one)
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the River."
Adam said, "What's a
River?"
God explained that
To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill....."
Adam said, "What is a Hill?"
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
The
Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave."
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He
Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
To
Reproduce."
Adam said, "How do
I do That?"
God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."
And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
Well.
So, Adam goes down
Into The valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill,
Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is
It
Now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
"What's a
Headache?"
“ no” he replied” why do you think it is inherited ?”
“ because it’s in my jeans”
Wife: No. You can't blame the shirt.
Steven Wright
”Folks, we just had one engine go out, but don’t worry, this plane can fly just fine on two engines. All it means is that we’ll be about an hour late”
An hour later, the pilot gets on the intercom again.
”Folks, don’t get alarmed, but a second engine just went out, but please don’t worry. This plane is designed to fly safely on one engine. However, it’s likely that we’ll now be about two hours late”.
After that announcement, the Irish guy turns to the person sitting next to him and says:
”Well, I sure hope that third engine doesn’t go out. We’ll be up here all night”
Man: What’s wrong, is it serious?
Doctor: It’s not looking too good, I’m afraid. Mercury is in Uranus at the moment.
Man: Please, doctor, I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!
Doctor: Nor do I! My thermometer just broke.
He kept saying "be positive" over and over, but its bloody hard without him here
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
I asked to see the menu.
The waiter said "we don't have a lot of options, so I'll just call them out to you".
"We have whale meat steaks, we have whale meat curry, we have whale meat stir-fry and, of course, we have the Vera Lynn."
I said, "what's the Vera Lynn?"
He said "whale meet again".