Hi all,
A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I were sitting watching TV at about 9:30 ish when I had a phone call from my Dad, saying he was outside and that he had to come in and see me immediately. He proceeded to tell me that they had an explanation for what we all thought was a trapped nerve in my Mums back. The CT scan showed she has lung cancer and that it has spread to her brain. The reason her back hurt is that the tumor in her lung was indeed pinching a nerve in her back. She is 56. Dad has explained that there is nothing that can be done in terms of a cure, and that any treatment would be to try and manage it. We have no exact idea of how long she has - I have tried to do my own research on the internet, and it seems that every case is different. I have never had cancer affect me or my family like this before, and have realised what a sledgehammer blow it can be.
- How did people go about supporting their other parent (my Dad in this case). He met my Mum when he was 13 and is a broken man. I don't know what I can do for him?
- Explaining the situation to little children. I have a 3 (nearly 4) year old who is just getting the the age when he knows something is wrong. My wife and I try and hold it together in front of him, but he knows his Grandma isn't well. What have others done?
- And generally, any tips for coping with the stress and worry? I am not sleeping at all well, and the main issue is that I am biting peoples heads off at every opportunity at the moment, and that cant carry on. At work yesterday, someone was being a bit of an w*nker and I proceeded to lay into him big time.
And finally, Mum smoked 20 a day since she was 18, and her biggest regret now is starting up again after I was born. If you have a similar habit, and are trying to give up (or even if not) and especially if you have a family and kids. Please take a second to think of your future and theirs. It isnt worth it. It is too late for my Mum, but it may not be for you.
Lots of support going out to anyone else in the Charlton Life family who may be going through something similar. This is all too common a situation.
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I would strongly advise that you speak to McMillian, the Cancer Trust or other similar charities who will have advice and guidance and maybe able to give you names and numbers of counsellors etc. The hospital should have addresses etc.
Can I also suggest that you go and see your own GP and explain the situation. You are under stress (completely understandably) so don't be afraid to admit it and deal with it. Could be drugs or counselling or just advice but take what is on offer. I know you are thinking about your mum and dad but you also need to look after yourself so you can be there for them.
I would suggest that you also have a chat with your manager and/or HR manager about what is happening. It would mean that they understand why you might be acting out of charecter at work (shouting at colleagues) and why you might need time off at short notice. They might be able to give you some time off or flexible working. They, or you, could also tell your work mates.
Good luck, thoughts are with you.
The disease often seems to affect family members and loved ones almost as much as the cancer sufferers themselves. Feelings of guilt and helplessness are all so common.
The very last thing that your mother would want you to do is to suffer along with her. It will not be easy, but for your mother's sake as well as for the sakes of your other family members, your friends and probably most importantly yourself, you must try to .. if not 'accept' the situation .. at least come to terms with it and to offer constructive support and help to your loved ones.
Easy said, difficult to do perhaps and I wish you and your family all the very very best during this bad time in your collective lives.
As you all know what is coming you have the chance now to lay down some everlasting memories.
My personal preference would be tell your children no matter how young. They are much stronger than we give them credit for and are a great comfort when they know you are upset.
My thoughts are with you at such a terrible time.
With regards to your little one, my advice would be as honest as possible. We told our 3 year old pretty much from day one that Grandad would always be poorly. It's difficult to explain the concept of death to someone so young but once he went, we told her that he had died, we would never see him again, but that we could talk to him. My wife is a teacher so has had to deal with similar situations and knew what not to say. Don't say that heaven is in the sky as some kids become afraid when they hear thunder etc, don't just say she's gone away as they can ask when is she coming back. It's also important not to say that being old was part of it as they see all adults as being old and can worry about you.
I think your question about caring for your dad is a really important one. Not just for him but for you as well; I have always had nagging doubt that I didn't do enough to support my Mum. In reality though, being a really stoical character she may not have wanted any more -but perhaps I could have done more to check. I know that she said she felt relieved when we finally went back home so that she could get on. What she did then, was to take herself to her bed for a fortnight; only emerging for the physical necessities. Based on this experience one practical thing I'd suggest is that you make sure there's plenty of ready meals and stuff, so that your Dad doesn't have to worry too much about feeding himself. Ultimately though, everyone is different so I guess the best thing is to talk to him and see what he want from you. Be aware though that he might not tell you everything as parents often worry about not being a burden on their kids.
Here are some tips I have learnt:
Get their neighbours involved, my Dad found it very useful to be able to go to the neighbours and just have a cup of tea when it all got too much (the day my Mum came home from hospital the roof fell in on her in bed) and having an escape route was vital to avoid my Dad having a break down. They also cooked him casseroles and stuff to ensure that he looked after himself.
Actually that leads to the other point, you will almost need to look after your Dad more than your Mum. He wil look after your mum but he wont look after himself.
The kids thing is tricky. When my Dad first came home with no hair my 3 year old nephew screamed. We had warned him that grandad was sick but hadn't warned him that his appearance would change (he looked like he'd aged 20 years) so explain that to them as well as the sickness.
Spend some time alone with your Mum. This allows your Dad time on his own but also allows you to have some quiet time with Mum. Be open and honest with her about feelings as well as practical things. She knows what is happeneing so there is no point avoiding the elehpant in the room.
Everyone deals with family crisis in a differnt way. If you have siblings don't expect them to deal with it the way you do. It is natural for some to not want to be near their parents when they are sick as it can be too much to deal with. Every reaction must be accepted. For me I kept myself busy with practical things at my parents, my older brother spent all his time looking up the illness and ways to treat it and my other brother avoided seeing my Mum as he couldn't take it. If it gets too bad try and sit down and calmly talk to them about why you feel they should consider different actions (they don't want regrets / must support your father etc). The same goes for your Dad, don't expect him to react the way you do.
And be careful of internet research - it is often the worst case scenario.
If I think of anything else I'll let you know but feel free to PM me.
Terribly sad news, thoughts are with you Damo
Unfortunately cancer seems to be coming more and more prevalent, or it just seems so to me as many friends or friends' family are suffering. Luckily the treatment for some types are good, as I have two school friends who have come through breast cancer, well one is coming through.
Good luck Damo to you and your family, horrible situation.
I lost my sister to Ovarian cancer when she was in her 50's so I know what you and your loved ones are going through so my thoughts are with you.
If your family are offered the support of Mcmillan grab it with both hands because the care and support they offer is second to none and their nurses truely are angels without wings.
I know we have never spoken before but If you need to talk about it PM me and I would be happy to help where I can.
Thank you so much everyone.
What a site this is.
Ray
Henry's and DRF's advice is all good. Supporting one another is the case, inlcuding yourself. We Brits put on a brave face, stiff upper lip and all that all too often, but the truth is this sort of thing can rock you badly and you all need to be openly supportive and take the support you can get, whether that be counselling, open discussion on how you will support one another etc.
Re kids, my sis in law will be leaving a little 7 year old behind and my two 5 and 7 who are close to their cousin and aunt and uncle. Kids pick up on two things from our experience so far, the tenseness and emotion of some of our interactions together and also their comprehension of danger ahead is more heightened than we expected. My 5 year old reacts better than the 7 year old, understandably as it is more matter of fact for him and you may find the same with your 4 year old. What we have done is reminded them that she is sick and that the doctors are trying to help her. They ask openly whether she will die and we tend to confirm that she is ill right now and that we can only hope she gets better. Macmillan suggested taking this approach, so that as things beciome a lot worse the child has started to mentally prepare for that rather than either freak them out by blatantly saying yes or lying by saying no and then it is a massive shock for them to bear.
Think about how you will be able to support one another as much as possible and give your Mum some comfort by describing your intentions if you can. That in itself may release some of the weight on her psychologically.
I'm just so sorry that you are experiencing this and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Pavo, my thoughts heading straight back your way too. A 37 year old with children of her own is a horrendous situation.
Please everyone, feel free to drop in any of your own experiences. We can all learn off each other here hopefully.
your post touched a real heartstring with me ,as like others i went through exactly the same thing with my father(the symptoms are nigh on the same) as you are going through with your mum .i know every situation is different but the prognosis isnt good .I sincerely hope that your mum isnt in too much pain right now and that your dad ,you and your family get all the support they can .These things are obviously a life changer for the whole family .The only advice that i could pass on is that whilst you want to support everyone (the right thing to do) is that you too have feet of clay,share the caring burden as much as you can and share your thoughts and feelings with those that are close to you ,try not to be a stiff upper lip man about it (it wont help in the long run).Macmillan are very good 13 years on from my experience i still try to raise money for them but lean on others in your family not just for physical help but emotional and spiritual support ....especially if the worst happens
i hope sincerely you and your family get the best possible outcome ..
Macmillan did then and still do help me - they helped me through some tough times --sharing my thoughts and just listening and chatting - they also told me what to expect and how to react -- i would have been lost without them
My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Medicine has come along way in the last 20 or so years - good luck Damo I know what you are going through, try to stay strong for your family & look after your own health to.