I lost my mother to cancer 13 years ago. Like your parents my mother and father were esprcially close and the stress of my mothers illness and death drove my father to depression. However some time after her death he did recover although he loved her until his own death. I think having grandchildren helped him a lot and you say you have a son.. I can't offer any better practical advice to what has been already said. My thoughts are with you.
I lost my father 2 weeks ago to Multiple System Atrophy, a rare form of Parkinsons. Strangely, I've not had to deal with the shock side of all the emotions as I had 7 years to prepare for his passing. However, when he was first diagnosed in '05 I suffered with terrible bouts of depression, something I thought I'd never suffer from.
I got my self some counseling and medication and got better. I was very wary of taking any anti-depressants but was given the following analogy: If you strain your ankle, you use a walking stick to support yourself in order to get better. Once your ankle is back to normal you discard the walking stick. I didn't give the medication a second thought after being told that and it helped me more than I thought in many areas.
Family support is everything and a few of the others have said to watch out for your dad. I echo these thoughts as dealing with a terminal illness has so many twists and turns. As easy as it is to say, your own health and that of you family's is paramount and the responsibility of caring for your mum can't fall solely on the shoulders of 1 family member.
Lastly, to help support your father I would suggest looking in to respite care. My father spent many weeks in respite care at the Greenwich and Bexley Hospice at Bostal Heath. I'm not sure if you're in the area but I cannot recommend that place enough. The level of care there surpassed anywhere else my father went in to and he saw many hospital over the course of 7 years. They are caring beyond belief and the set up there is A+. They also offer week long respite care 4 times a year to enable family to have time to themselves to recoup and relax, something that was invaluable to my mother and kept her going.
Once again, my thought and wishes go out to you and yours. Stay strong, stay supportive and finally, it's easier said than done, but try to keep smiling.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my mother to lung cancer 12 years ago.
I think Henry and others who have suggested getting in touch with Macmillans is spot on. I can only say that they were absolutely fantastic especially when her time came and afterwards. I cannot praise them high enough.
My Dad was completely floored but was helped by the love of us as a family and grand-children do help.
Damo I know what your going through. My mother was diagnosed with lung and liver cancer last October and was given on average 2 to 2 1/2 years to live. I am trying to support her the best I can, but apart from losing her hair you wouldn't know she was ill if anything it's the fittest she has been for years.
I know a thing or two about cancer - various family members have had it and so have I. You can always ask me if you want but the best people are Macmillan as has already been said. Strangely, you get to figure out that its bad news when there's a Macmillan nurse sitting in the consulting room with the doctor. Not a great feeling but the nurses are very good and have loads of experience. Take their advice - they have time for the families too.
Damo, great advise by many of which I too offer my sympathy for you and your familys situation at this time. Be strong yourself and I hope the outcomes positive for you. I am a 50 year old family man and your opening dialogue actually brought a tear to my eye at the thought and explanation of your situation. I have recently been very ill with liver problems and my consultant did prepare me for potential bad news, fortunetly it wasn't as bad as it could of been but I remember how frightened I was, so I empathise with you to a degree, I wish you and your family well my friend.
Heart-rending stories - my deepest sympathies to all, especially of course DNS.
I read all this from a rather different perspective. Like P_Air's father mentioned above, I too have MSA. I think I am in the middle stages - diagnosis was lengthy, and thinking back some of the symptoms have been around for a while. The timescale, like the disease itself, varies from patient to patient and is difficult to predict, but suffice it to say that I'm rather unlikely to be getting a telegram from the Queen ....
Your wise and humane words enable me to see the effects on those around me - the collateral damage so to say. There is sure to be little dignity in a slow and lingering demise, but facing the practicalities in as open and positive way as possible is clearly the path to follow.
I am in good hands and I have come to terms with what will ensue. It is what it is. The insights gained from the sincerity, fortitude, sympathy and commonsense so evident in your messages are an inspiration for which I personally am most deeply and truly grateful.
Took me a while to find the courage to open this thread Damo....lost too many of my family and a few pals through this over the last 30 years.....but have some who've come through it too, so don't despair. As others have said already, MacMillan is the best answer.......a truly wonderful organisation. There's a battle ahead for you all and it aint gonna be an easy ride.....whatever the outcome. Stay strong for your Mum fella....stay strong. Easy to say....hard to do, but you simply 'have' to, cos there's simply no alternative. Bless you and your's Damo.
Sorry to hear about that mate. My prayers are with you and your family. Pray to God before bedtime and he should give you some comfort. Stay strong for your dad's sake and try and keep a close family unit. Your family are the best people to be around at this time so all stick together. Some time off work will help as well as you don't need the additional stress at this moment in time.
Damo - Like SoundAsa£ it took me some time to open this thread. Now the tears are rolling down my cheeks as I read your posting. Nothing I can add to what people have said above but I do wish that the time you have left with your mum is special. All the very best.
Like others it took me a while to open your thread, my father died of cancer and my wife is in remission. Others have given great advice, all I can add is not only support your parents but make sure you have support.
Brings back some hard memories. Regards kids. It's hard. Try not to go into detail but as Dave Memhet said its quite important to tell them that a loved one is gone. It is however your little one the will be a big help in getting you through this dark time. All the best mate
Very sad to hear your most aweful news Damo. I've had my own share of bad times through the last six months when my daughter died, but thats when you find out what your family and friends are about. Life appears to go on around you for everyone else, when your own life is on hold emotionally and it's very surreal. Time is the only thing that will enable you to cope with your feelings and thoughts. It's tough now and may get harder before it gets easier, but you will get through this, some how. My thoughts are with you.
Very sad to hear your most aweful news Damo. I've had my own share of bad times through the last six months when my daughter died, but thats when you find out what your family and friends are about. Life appears to go on around you for everyone else, when your own life is on hold emotionally and it's very surreal. Time is the only thing that will enable you to cope with your feelings and thoughts. It's tough now and may get harder before it gets easier, but you will get through this, some how. My thoughts are with you.
Hi mate,
Im sorry to here about your daughter's passing. Best wishes to you.
Very sad to hear your most aweful news Damo. I've had my own share of bad times through the last six months when my daughter died, but thats when you find out what your family and friends are about. Life appears to go on around you for everyone else, when your own life is on hold emotionally and it's very surreal. Time is the only thing that will enable you to cope with your feelings and thoughts. It's tough now and may get harder before it gets easier, but you will get through this, some how. My thoughts are with you.
I have 3 daughters and really do not think I could survive something happening to any of them.
Very sad to hear your most aweful news Damo. I've had my own share of bad times through the last six months when my daughter died, but thats when you find out what your family and friends are about. Life appears to go on around you for everyone else, when your own life is on hold emotionally and it's very surreal. Time is the only thing that will enable you to cope with your feelings and thoughts. It's tough now and may get harder before it gets easier, but you will get through this, some how. My thoughts are with you.
I have 3 daughters and really do not think I could survive something happening to any of them.
Words cannot express how I feel for you.
Losing a loved one like a mum or dad, a sister or brother is a natural process of life. But if you lose your own son or daughter then you have my upmost sympathy. I don't have any kids and i don't care i never have but it must so bloody difficult to lose your own child. May peace be with you.
Interesting to read other people's comments on here. As I said my Mum has had cancer twice and my Dad once. We never recieved a single call or bit of support from any of the cancer charities. We tried a number of them (including MacMillan) and never heard anything - until six months later when Cancer Reasearch sent them a note saying - as a cancer has affected your family will you join our fundraising efforts. My Dad is still angry about this and refuses to have anything to do with them.
Very sad to hear your most aweful news Damo. I've had my own share of bad times through the last six months when my daughter died, but thats when you find out what your family and friends are about. Life appears to go on around you for everyone else, when your own life is on hold emotionally and it's very surreal. Time is the only thing that will enable you to cope with your feelings and thoughts. It's tough now and may get harder before it gets easier, but you will get through this, some how. My thoughts are with you.
And my thoughts are with you and yours, parents should never have to lay their children to rest so I can't imagine what you went though or for that matter are going through.
Very sad to hear your most aweful news Damo. I've had my own share of bad times through the last six months when my daughter died, but thats when you find out what your family and friends are about. Life appears to go on around you for everyone else, when your own life is on hold emotionally and it's very surreal. Time is the only thing that will enable you to cope with your feelings and thoughts. It's tough now and may get harder before it gets easier, but you will get through this, some how. My thoughts are with you.
And my thoughts are with you and yours, parents should never have to lay their children to rest so I can't imagine what you went though or for that matter are going through.
Echo what has been said here with regards to our children.
I can't imagine going through this, and I hope you can get through this with your family - In fact, I am at a loss as to what I can type. Saying you have my thoughts and sympathy doesnt seem enough in this instance.
- How did people go about supporting their other parent (my Dad in this case). He met my Mum when he was 13 and is a broken man. I don't know what I can do for him? - Explaining the situation to little children. I have a 3 (nearly 4) year old who is just getting the the age when he knows something is wrong. My wife and I try and hold it together in front of him, but he knows his Grandma isn't well. What have others done? - And generally, any tips for coping with the stress and worry?
My sympathies - there's not much I can add to that said by others except to add my experiences of something similar. The first time a young-ish person has cancer/dies early is a hammer blow and is difficult to deal with as it affects you on a myriad of different levels. In my case my brother had and died of leukaemia at a young age (38) and he left three young children (aged at the time 3, 9 and 12).
With your child you need to introduce things to them gradually - start with Grandma is unwell and then very unwell followed by she might not survive. If she does have some treatment - eg chemo then you might like to persuade her to get her hair cut off before she has the treatment, the reason being your son or daughter will see them being (reasonably) healthy but looking different with no hair. The radiation will cause the hair to fall out in any case. That will help soften the blow a bit and perhaps allow them to appreciate what "grandma is unwell" means even if they don't quite understand what is happening.
As to how you deal with the grief and explain that the grandma has died - there is no easy way other than to deal with it in a piecemeal fashion (as above), but there are no explanations really. Your child will ask "why Grandma?" and/or "why me/grand-dad/you/us?". There is no answer to that other than it happens, which isn't much of a reply. Perhaps ensure that Grandma leaves something specifically as a keep-sake? My brother gave his daughters an item of jewellery for them to keep and that seems to have done some good.
With death and grief the thing that we have to accept and takes time to understand is the finality of it. Fail an exam, lose a job whatever, there's always tomorrow and another day and another chance, death though does not allow second chances, perhaps that's why we hold onto concepts such as heaven to give us the hope that they are going somewhere nicer?
For you and your wife, you just have to be strong - curious as it sounds I got some comfort from organising the funeral and getting involved and ensuring that we as a family, along with the extended neighbours, work colleagues, friends etc who come to these things had a goodopportunity to collectively say good-bye. Rather than go for something too heavy and god-fearing I tried to keep the hymns short and chose anglicised lyrics that everyone could sing or at least mumble along to - in this case I wanted my brother's three children to have a day that they would remember with some positivity rather than being a tear fest. So perhaps allow your child to chose a hymn or lay some flowers or something similar.
Others have suggested contacting a few charities and sadly it seems experiences were mixed. In my case the Anthony Nolan Trust and MacMillan Nurses were brilliant, offered good advice and I'm sure that will be the case with you. Bear in mind also that you will get to know the doctors, nurses and medical staff quite well at whatever hospital she is treated at. Unlike say a casualty ward she won't be in and out so there will be the chance to build up relationships with these people and there may be a charity asociated with that hospital that can help. Lastly try and do something charity wise that your family can get involved in they will have plenty of ideas, getting involved in that will help your son or daughter deal with this as they will understand that they are helping in some way.
My thoughts and hopefully in all that there are one or two things that can help.
I didn't want to read these postings as it still hurts from losing my mother, brother and more recently a good friend. But thought it best to at least contribute to say that emotionally this is one hell of a roller coaster that will continue for some time. Remember that your mum is being treated and cared for by experts so you need to ensure that YOU and your family also care for each other by sharing your concerns. Don't bottle up.
I cannot add anything but to say I just find it very sad what so many people have to deal with in life and how strong people are. My thoughts are with you.
Comments
I lost my mother to cancer 13 years ago. Like your parents my mother and father were esprcially close and the stress of my mothers illness and death drove my father to depression. However some time after her death he did recover although he loved her until his own death. I think having grandchildren helped him a lot and you say you have a son.. I can't offer any better practical advice to what has been already said. My thoughts are with you.
I lost my father 2 weeks ago to Multiple System Atrophy, a rare form of Parkinsons. Strangely, I've not had to deal with the shock side of all the emotions as I had 7 years to prepare for his passing. However, when he was first diagnosed in '05 I suffered with terrible bouts of depression, something I thought I'd never suffer from.
I got my self some counseling and medication and got better. I was very wary of taking any anti-depressants but was given the following analogy: If you strain your ankle, you use a walking stick to support yourself in order to get better. Once your ankle is back to normal you discard the walking stick. I didn't give the medication a second thought after being told that and it helped me more than I thought in many areas.
Family support is everything and a few of the others have said to watch out for your dad. I echo these thoughts as dealing with a terminal illness has so many twists and turns. As easy as it is to say, your own health and that of you family's is paramount and the responsibility of caring for your mum can't fall solely on the shoulders of 1 family member.
Lastly, to help support your father I would suggest looking in to respite care. My father spent many weeks in respite care at the Greenwich and Bexley Hospice at Bostal Heath. I'm not sure if you're in the area but I cannot recommend that place enough. The level of care there surpassed anywhere else my father went in to and he saw many hospital over the course of 7 years. They are caring beyond belief and the set up there is A+. They also offer week long respite care 4 times a year to enable family to have time to themselves to recoup and relax, something that was invaluable to my mother and kept her going.
Once again, my thought and wishes go out to you and yours. Stay strong, stay supportive and finally, it's easier said than done, but try to keep smiling.
All the best.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my mother to lung cancer 12 years ago.
I think Henry and others who have suggested getting in touch with Macmillans is spot on. I can only say that they were absolutely fantastic especially when her time came and afterwards. I cannot praise them high enough.
My Dad was completely floored but was helped by the love of us as a family and grand-children do help.
Please accept my thoughts and prayers.
Bing
I know a thing or two about cancer - various family members have had it and so have I. You can always ask me if you want but the best people are Macmillan as has already been said. Strangely, you get to figure out that its bad news when there's a Macmillan nurse sitting in the consulting room with the doctor. Not a great feeling but the nurses are very good and have loads of experience. Take their advice - they have time for the families too.
I read all this from a rather different perspective. Like P_Air's father mentioned above, I too have MSA. I think I am in the middle stages - diagnosis was lengthy, and thinking back some of the symptoms have been around for a while. The timescale, like the disease itself, varies from patient to patient and is difficult to predict, but suffice it to say that I'm rather unlikely to be getting a telegram from the Queen ....
Your wise and humane words enable me to see the effects on those around me - the collateral damage so to say. There is sure to be little dignity in a slow and lingering demise, but facing the practicalities in as open and positive way as possible is clearly the path to follow.
I am in good hands and I have come to terms with what will ensue. It is what it is. The insights gained from the sincerity, fortitude, sympathy and commonsense so evident in your messages are an inspiration for which I personally am most deeply and truly grateful.
As others have said already, MacMillan is the best answer.......a truly wonderful organisation.
There's a battle ahead for you all and it aint gonna be an easy ride.....whatever the outcome.
Stay strong for your Mum fella....stay strong. Easy to say....hard to do, but you simply 'have' to, cos there's simply no alternative.
Bless you and your's Damo.
All the best
David
Others have given great advice, all I can add is not only support your parents but make sure you have support.
I wish you and your family well.
It is however your little one the will be a big help in getting you through this dark time.
All the best mate
Im sorry to here about your daughter's passing. Best wishes to you.
David
Words cannot express how I feel for you.
My Dad is still angry about this and refuses to have anything to do with them.
I can't imagine going through this, and I hope you can get through this with your family - In fact, I am at a loss as to what I can type. Saying you have my thoughts and sympathy doesnt seem enough in this instance.
- Explaining the situation to little children. I have a 3 (nearly 4) year old who is just getting the the age when he knows something is wrong. My wife and I try and hold it together in front of him, but he knows his Grandma isn't well. What have others done?
- And generally, any tips for coping with the stress and worry?
My sympathies - there's not much I can add to that said by others except to add my experiences of something similar. The first time a young-ish person has cancer/dies early is a hammer blow and is difficult to deal with as it affects you on a myriad of different levels. In my case my brother had and died of leukaemia at a young age (38) and he left three young children (aged at the time 3, 9 and 12).
With your child you need to introduce things to them gradually - start with Grandma is unwell and then very unwell followed by she might not survive. If she does have some treatment - eg chemo then you might like to persuade her to get her hair cut off before she has the treatment, the reason being your son or daughter will see them being (reasonably) healthy but looking different with no hair. The radiation will cause the hair to fall out in any case. That will help soften the blow a bit and perhaps allow them to appreciate what "grandma is unwell" means even if they don't quite understand what is happening.
As to how you deal with the grief and explain that the grandma has died - there is no easy way other than to deal with it in a piecemeal fashion (as above), but there are no explanations really. Your child will ask "why Grandma?" and/or "why me/grand-dad/you/us?". There is no answer to that other than it happens, which isn't much of a reply. Perhaps ensure that Grandma leaves something specifically as a keep-sake? My brother gave his daughters an item of jewellery for them to keep and that seems to have done some good.
With death and grief the thing that we have to accept and takes time to understand is the finality of it. Fail an exam, lose a job whatever, there's always tomorrow and another day and another chance, death though does not allow second chances, perhaps that's why we hold onto concepts such as heaven to give us the hope that they are going somewhere nicer?
For you and your wife, you just have to be strong - curious as it sounds I got some comfort from organising the funeral and getting involved and ensuring that we as a family, along with the extended neighbours, work colleagues, friends etc who come to these things had a goodopportunity to collectively say good-bye. Rather than go for something too heavy and god-fearing I tried to keep the hymns short and chose anglicised lyrics that everyone could sing or at least mumble along to - in this case I wanted my brother's three children to have a day that they would remember with some positivity rather than being a tear fest. So perhaps allow your child to chose a hymn or lay some flowers or something similar.
Others have suggested contacting a few charities and sadly it seems experiences were mixed. In my case the Anthony Nolan Trust and MacMillan Nurses were brilliant, offered good advice and I'm sure that will be the case with you. Bear in mind also that you will get to know the doctors, nurses and medical staff quite well at whatever hospital she is treated at. Unlike say a casualty ward she won't be in and out so there will be the chance to build up relationships with these people and there may be a charity asociated with that hospital that can help. Lastly try and do something charity wise that your family can get involved in they will have plenty of ideas, getting involved in that will help your son or daughter deal with this as they will understand that they are helping in some way.
My thoughts and hopefully in all that there are one or two things that can help.
My thoughts are with you.