I have been bowled over by the messages of support I have received from Lifers not just at the time this thread went live but also over the last couple of months. So I am heartbroken to have to tell you that Mum died on Wednesday morning in Bostall Heath hospice. Just two months from diagnosis to losing her - and I now know first hand w advhat an awful thing cancer is.
Once again, Thank You Thank You Thank you everyone who gave advice or simply left a message as it helped greatly.
Damo & WSS i'm sad to hear of your losses , my dad passed away earlier this year , and a day doesn't go by when i don't think about him , if you want to talk pm me , if you fancy a pint let me know.
God Bless your Mum, my sympathy to you, your Dad and family. My Dad passed away two and a half years ago and the palliative care team at Bostall Heath were fantastic along with the Macmillan team at the QE. They don't ease the pain but their support and help is immense.
In October 2004 my wife's eleven year old sister died from a brain tumor. Fast forward to June 2009 and her 19 year old brother was killed in a car accident.
The first one was horrendous, the second changed my wife permanently. I say permanently as it has now been three years and she is still miserable most of the time. I'm not saying this as a criticism, but I can't find a better word to describe it. She is probably depressed, but she refuses to seek any professional help, despite the fact that I've asked her to and offered to pay for it. She says that they can't bring her brother and sister back so what's the point.
I live in hope that she will either get over it or agree to have professnal help, but it's almost as though something in her has died. She even struggles to show much love and affection to our son, who is eight. I don't think he is aware as he was very young when she changed and I am a little obsessed with him so he doesn't go short of affection or attention.
In fairness, her family seem to have bigger issues, which is totally to be expected, but it is so painful to watch someone you love struggle with this type of emotional upset, especially when there seems to be nothing I can do to help her with it.
Don't know why I decided to share that, it just seemed the right thing to do after reading some of the posts above.
KHA - have you offered to go with your wife for help (you probably have, but if you haven't, this may make her more likely to go) - perhaps try to encourage her, by agreeing counselling probably won't work but asking her to go as a favour to you - consider getting help for yourself, so you can guide her, if she refuses point blank to see an expert
KHA - have you offered to go with your wife for help (you probably have, but if you haven't, this may make her more likely to go) - perhaps try to encourage her, by agreeing counselling probably won't work but asking her to go as a favour to you - consider getting help for yourself, so you can guide her, if she refuses point blank to see an expert
I've tried the first two, but it never occurred to me to do the third. I'll look into that, thanks.
So sorry for the heart aches described here. I hope things improve for you all.
KHA - does your wife read much? I would strongly recommend, from personal experience, this book ''Advice on Dying: And Living a Better Life'' It may help you too, as you may be able to drip feed little pointers to improving her view of life.
Damo, so sorry to hear about your Mum. Two months isn't long, but I hope you were able to make good use of the time you did have left together. WSS, I don't know your Mum's circumstances, but please accept my condolences, and I hope you're doing OK.
KHA, I think the idea about getting counselling for yourself is a good one. It may also be worth reminding your wife that it won't bring her brother and sister back, but it should help her deal with their loss, so she can fully appreciate the good things she still has in her life. In particular it may help prevent her from losing her relationship with her son, which is a definite risk if she's still trapped in her grief by the time he reaches the awkward puberty stage.
Comments
Once again, Thank You Thank You Thank you everyone who gave advice or simply left a message as it helped greatly.
It's a tough time but people are there for you. Give me a shout if you want a chat.
My Dad passed away two and a half years ago and the palliative care team at Bostall Heath were fantastic along with the Macmillan team at the QE.
They don't ease the pain but their support and help is immense.
My thoughts are with you Damo.
Good luck pal
The first one was horrendous, the second changed my wife permanently. I say permanently as it has now been three years and she is still miserable most of the time. I'm not saying this as a criticism, but I can't find a better word to describe it. She is probably depressed, but she refuses to seek any professional help, despite the fact that I've asked her to and offered to pay for it. She says that they can't bring her brother and sister back so what's the point.
I live in hope that she will either get over it or agree to have professnal help, but it's almost as though something in her has died. She even struggles to show much love and affection to our son, who is eight. I don't think he is aware as he was very young when she changed and I am a little obsessed with him so he doesn't go short of affection or attention.
In fairness, her family seem to have bigger issues, which is totally to be expected, but it is so painful to watch someone you love struggle with this type of emotional upset, especially when there seems to be nothing I can do to help her with it.
Don't know why I decided to share that, it just seemed the right thing to do after reading some of the posts above.
Must be very difficult
Sorry to read this Damo & WSS.
Best wishes.
KHA - have you offered to go with your wife for help (you probably have, but if you haven't, this may make her more likely to go)
- perhaps try to encourage her, by agreeing counselling probably won't work but asking her to go as a favour to you
- consider getting help for yourself, so you can guide her, if she refuses point blank to see an expert
KHA - does your wife read much? I would strongly recommend, from personal experience, this book ''Advice on Dying: And Living a Better Life'' It may help you too, as you may be able to drip feed little pointers to improving her view of life.
Stay positive all of you
KHA, I think the idea about getting counselling for yourself is a good one. It may also be worth reminding your wife that it won't bring her brother and sister back, but it should help her deal with their loss, so she can fully appreciate the good things she still has in her life. In particular it may help prevent her from losing her relationship with her son, which is a definite risk if she's still trapped in her grief by the time he reaches the awkward puberty stage.