I was feeling quite chirpy 'til I read this thread. I have 3 girls nearly 8, nearly 5 and 18 months. Interesting times lay ahead by the sounds of it. I might start an 'emigrating to Australia' thread.
It's worth remembering Matt that the reason that it takes humans 18 years to become adult isn't so much about that being the necessary time for children to grow up, it's more about taking 18 years to learn to become a parent ;-)
My view is very simple, you start them off the right way when they are very young. If you get the early years right you will find it easier as they grow older. Obviously their experience in the teenage years will challenge both them and you, but it's like a building. If you get the foundation right, the building should grow in the right way.
I was feeling quite chirpy 'til I read this thread. I have 3 girls nearly 8, nearly 5 and 18 months. Interesting times lay ahead by the sounds of it. I might start an 'emigrating to Australia' thread.
It's worth remembering Matt that the reason that it takes humans 18 years to become adult isn't so much about that being the necessary time for children to grow up, it's more about taking 18 years to learn to become a parent ;-)
So true Stig. Just when you think you have it nailed they become teenagers and you realise you are cutting your teeth again. Different ball game. Learning all the time.
Some great advice here, really useful to get the perspective of parents who have raised teenagers.
Mine are an eight year old boy and boy/girl twins who are six, at the moment I am using the "Because I say so" method but reading others here I may have to become more Terry Waite in style.
No Terry Waite jokes please!
I used to be the "because I say so "guy too. Not it's more "because I think it's a good idea". Still they are fun though in a "Let's wind Dad up" kind of a way. Enjoy the few years you have left
My lad is 16, has a strop now and again, answers back, but we have a row and quickly we move on and forget about it, he's a good lad, have your disagreements but try not to let them fester too long.
Buy a set of In-Betweeners DVDs. Absolutely cringeworthy but hilarious. Will give you some idea of how their minds work. Mind you, not sure what good it will do you! :-)
Remember they are your kids and don't treat them as your mate
Biggest thing I have learned from being a dad and watching others is the mistakes seem to come once that line is crossed
Have to agree with this NLA, the biggest cause of disagreements between my missus and me is on this topic. Our daughter has always known that she can get what she wants from her mum cos her mum wants to be seen as the 'cool mum'. Personally I don't think that that's done many favours for our daughter.
And muggings here always has to pick up the pieces.
Seen it a millon times with my niece and i can see where its heading
From bringing up two boys with a very good mothering attitude and boundries they are both acting like my niece is the cool girl at school she gets a way with things the boys could never and when my wife her sister says wow your going soft she gets the i want us to be friends or more like sisters than mum and daughter
And then proceeds to tell us how the world has changed since the boys and so must she
Tbf to my missus she had a truly shitty childhood and probably made a vow never to do unto her child what she had done to her. Still doesn't make her right though.
My daughter is nearly 12 and I'm having some problems with her, she says she is getting bullied at school although the school beg to differ, she walked out of school on Wednesday and refused to go back and told me if I don't let her come home she would run away. Her attitude at home is obysmal she is rude and abrupt all the time is constantly mean and sometimes aggressive to her younger siblings and when she is punished for such we get the "I'm bullied at school and you're bullying me at home, I wish I was dead, sometimes I just want to kill myself" she even has self harmed on occasion. I feel I have done things 'the right way' most of the time but lately I feel as if I'm failing miserably. Sometimes when she is in full melt down mode I just want to cry my eyes out it breaks my heart.
I don't think there are any right or wrong answers regarding raising a teenager, all I know is you have to love them as much as possible even when they make it hard for you, even more so when they tell you they hate you because as their parents, when they are going through the difficult 'horrible' phase we might be the only ones that can love them and be there unconditionally.
My daughter is nearly 12 and I'm having some problems with her, she says she is getting bullied at school although the school beg to differ, she walked out of school on Wednesday and refused to go back and told me if I don't let her come home she would run away. Her attitude at home is obysmal she is rude and abrupt all the time is constantly mean and sometimes aggressive to her younger siblings and when she is punished for such we get the "I'm bullied at school and you're bullying me at home, I wish I was dead, sometimes I just want to kill myself" she even has self harmed on occasion. I feel I have done things 'the right way' most of the time but lately I feel as if I'm failing miserably. Sometimes when she is in full melt down mode I just want to cry my eyes out it breaks my heart.
I don't think there are any right or wrong answers regarding raising a teenager, all I know is you have to love them as much as possible even when they make it hard for you, even more so when they tell you they hate you because as their parents, when they are going through the difficult 'horrible' phase we might be the only ones that can love them and be there unconditionally.
This is the most difficult post I've read on here and one that I identify with only too well and has shaped me in the wrong way for the last couple of years. Apologies to anyone that knows me and knows nothing of this. First off as a parent Sadie you are not doing anything wrong. Outside influences can play a major role in your childs developement especially bullying. Listen to what they say and take it seriously. Your child will know what she feels whereas the school may not. The changes happening to them don't help and only make matters worse. The self harming is there coping mechanism much like some turn to drink, drugs , eating or not etc. They will think it will help them but like all those instances it never does, sometimes leading to tradegy. This almost happened to us as our eldest had ben self harming unknownst to us for a very long time. It was due to systematic bullying at school, a problem we raised with her school on many occasions. They sorted it out or so we thought as my girl became so good at hiding it and appeared really happy again. This hiding it was another coping mechanism of hers which unfortunately we were unable to see through. She is gay which we embraced and supported but it got out at school and that added to her woes. We got all the "wish I was dead and I want to kill myself "stuff but put it down to teenage changes. Little did we know she would try this and we almost lost her one night a couple of years back. This has had a traumatic on us as we blamed ourselves , which was wrong and something you must not do either if you can. Our family life has changed in an unexplainable way. Not in a bad way but a different way.She know gets treatment every week to help her cope . Her self esteem is very low,lower than it appears to us or anyone that knows her, such is her ability to hide it. The Baroness has changed in that she feels detached from our old family life and is more angry with herself than she's ever been over trivial matters. I haven't handled it well and have ended up on some sort of a save the children campaign. This will explain some of my BS posts . I have embarressed myself with some of these and maybe embarressed others and I will have tread on some peoples toes and for that I wholly apologise and regret what I may have said. I will be leaving the forum after this post and I wish everyone the very best in everything they do. Remember Sadie do not blame yourself and help is out for there for parents and children. Go to the doc and get on a cahms programme. They will grow out of the self harming but be aware it can recur and listen to what they tell you. I wish you the best of luck and hope with all sincerity that it works out well for you. God bless and good luck to all you lifers. BP signing out.
I've had three teenage children and currently have a thirteen year old daughter. None has caused me any trouble (so far!). My top 'do' advice would be: do talk to them and be interested in their lives and schooling and interests, always be supportive and encouraging and be constructive in any criticism. Top 'do not' is do not set arbitrary rules, eg about the time they should be home - rules must be for a reason. Explain clearly and calmly what the reasons are and never ever resort to using the 'because I say so' line. Show some flexibility when required - that demonstrates to them that you're a reasonable person - but don't be a pushover.
This sounds like good advice. I currently have a four and a two year old, and with the 4 year old I sometimes get to the point where I have to say 'because I say so' but I hate saying this. As a child, and now as an adult I demand explanantions for all rules. My outlook is that if I don't get an explanation for a rule then I ignore it. I do quite hate what I call over-authority. However with four year olds it can become impossible to give reasons because they simply don't have the ability to reason and give their arguments. I'm quite looking forward to being able to discuss things and listen to his reasons. I like to think that if I think he has a decent argument then negotiation will be possible. I'm even willing to believe that he might teach me some things. Even with a four year old I find that clear calm explanations normally work best. An 'if you do this for me, I'll do that for you' approach works. I try to do this but sometimes he just can't reason. I'm sure that there must be other challenges with a teenager but surely if you demand reasons for their actions, ask them what they want, explain what is and isn't possible and why, then it should be possible to reach an amicable conclusion.
BPaolo. That'd be a big shame if you left, why would you do that, just when you've shared that stuff? My partners 18 yr old son who lives with his dad (who BTW, in my opinion has problems with depression / alcohol / cannabis dependency - and yes, I mean dependency, as in self-medication and smoking all day) has been seeing a CBT counsellor from local MH team, and revealed to my partner that he told his dad that he got as far as planning his suicide 2 months ago, intending to buy pills on the interenet and mix with booze. She's dealing incredibly well with it, and has made a point of discussing it with anyone who knows anything about the subject, and informing herself with books etc - this drives me nuts sometimes as when I get in at 6:30 after a day with my team of drug workers I then get to listen to her latest research when what I want to do is put on my jogging pants and watch something meaningless on TV. But I do my stuff, shut my mouth when necessary, listen and make suggestions when it'll help, and don't when it won't.Talking, communicating, making sure it is part of life, not a special hidden guilty secret seems to be important, so thanks to you your post, and to you Sadie and everyone else, and keep the jokes coming too, because treating it like a sacred awful thing doesn't help either.
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http://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/1846680875
Shame these kids don't come with manuals. ;-)
Biggest thing I have learned from being a dad and watching others is the mistakes seem to come once that line is crossed
And muggings here always has to pick up the pieces.
From bringing up two boys with a very good mothering attitude and boundries they are both acting like my niece is the cool girl at school she gets a way with things the boys could never and when my wife her sister says wow your going soft she gets the i want us to be friends or more like sisters than mum and daughter
And then proceeds to tell us how the world has changed since the boys and so must she
Its got teen pregnancy written all over it
I don't think there are any right or wrong answers regarding raising a teenager, all I know is you have to love them as much as possible even when they make it hard for you, even more so when they tell you they hate you because as their parents, when they are going through the difficult 'horrible' phase we might be the only ones that can love them and be there unconditionally.
I laughed so much a little wee came out
Draw on the support and understanding that is here.
It can be a great comfort.
Even with a four year old I find that clear calm explanations normally work best. An 'if you do this for me, I'll do that for you' approach works. I try to do this but sometimes he just can't reason. I'm sure that there must be other challenges with a teenager but surely if you demand reasons for their actions, ask them what they want, explain what is and isn't possible and why, then it should be possible to reach an amicable conclusion.