My 10 year old boy is getting a taste of it, spanner kid has nicked his Charlton cap (there's a surprise) . He likes school and is not at aggressive. What to do?
I work in a secondary that has possibly the worst amount of bullying, to be honest going to the teachers is always 50/50 depending on who deals with situation it can get worse or alot better. At that age I'd expect it to get better shame he's not aggressive... standing up to anyone always works!
Go up the school about it. Schools are really hot on this thing now thankfully.
Had similar when my lad was in year 7 and it soon got sorted. If it hadn't I was going to follow boy home and confront his parents. One of the most worrying times as a parent. I wanted to be a fly on the wall and watch over him. Now my lad beats me at arm wrestling (he is 20):)
This is such a tricky problem. If bullying in general was a simple fix we would have sorted it domestically, in the workplace, and in schools by now. My advice is if you can prove it, and if the other boy is above the age of criminal responsibility, then insist it is a police matter. You may end up doing the thief a favour for life if they get the living chite scared out of them now.
As a very small kid with an unusual name I was an obvious target for bullies at school and the only thing that ever worked for me was standing up to them. The fact that I was 1st Kyu (one belt away from black) in Karate by the time I started secondary school came as a bit of a surprise to some of the bullies!
I'd like him to make a stand but it's not in his nature. Mrs Baldy is going to the school today but i don't think it'll help.
I haven't got kids but can comment as the guy who sits next to me at work has a 13 year old who was getting picked on by this boy saying he was going to beat him up, do this to him, that to him etc. My colleague thought about going to the school but then thought against it, as it could backfire and his son labelled a 'grass', so he told his son to stand up for himself. Told him next time he says anything, say 'come on then fight me now', this kid won't expect it and will be taken by surprise. Worse case is they'll have a fight and he'll need to whack him but the fight will probably get pulled apart by teachers, best case is the kid will just mutter something and wander off.
Next time the kid said something, his boy offered him out there and then and the other kid didn't want to know.
Send a letter to the head via recorded delivery, asking them for an acknowledgment to the letter and an update within 14 days of receipt as to action taken. State that this letter and their response will form part of any action you may take at a later date if you feel the matter has not been handled correctly.
It needs to be stamped out and 10 years old is a good time to stamp it out.
Unfirtunately Little Johnny's parents will probably laugh at the whole thing and that it is only 'banter'
The trouble is that bullying takes a range of forms.In my view the starting point is proof it happened. The problem is that so much bullying is covert. However trashing/stealing somebody's property is maybe easier to substantiate than the sneaky stuff. Most bullies either deny what they have done, or say it was an equal situation, or say the other person started it or is deserving of their treatment for some reason. In the face of denial then proof is the first port of cal, unless of course the bully admits it. Is anybody here prepared to admit THEY were/are a bully, just as others say they were victims?
You ought to be able to go to the school about it.
The reality though, in my experience of 3 children and many more nephews and nieces, is that many schools are in denial that bullying exists at all.
They come out with euphemisms like "good natured horse play," "banter" and "mucking about." Anything but acknowledge that, yes, there might be a bullying problem in this school.
If you get past that obstacle you then encounter PC bollocks that the bully (s) is (are) the victim (s) rather than the actual victim because of their background and your child is lucky to have supportive parents that engage with the school because the bully (s) often don't.
If anything is done at all it will be YOUR child that will be punished by being kept in at break times, "for their own protection of course," rather than the bully (s).
You then have a decision to make. Do you follow the natural instinct to protect your child and take it the whole way to governors or even beyond or hold back because you don't want the school staff to victimise the child too because the parents are seen as trouble makers.
It's difficult. Head Teachers complacently talk about their "bullying policies" and even show you lever arch files full of papers rabbitting on about it.
The reality though often is that they still do sweet FA about your child getting a good kicking, having stuff nicked or mental abuse for the reasons I've outlined above.
Fingers in the ears and la, la, la all too often I'm afraid.
A contemporary of my oldest daughter (from a different school but she knew him) committed suicide on a railway line because of bullying. The headteacher went on the local news saying that there is no bullying in this school it must have been an external matter. The pupils of that school who I spoke to, friends of my daughter, all without exception said that the boy was bullied.
Sorry to prattle on but bullying, and the blindness of the authorities to it, winds me up big time.
I too got bullied through much of secondary school. Only thing is, the ringleader was an absolute lunatic from a mental family whose brother was inside for murder. Another brother of his took to waiting outside the school gates for me with a knife. It would've been unwise for me to stick up for myself in the circumstances. Plus, I saw one kid stand up to this ringleader and he got absolutely battered. I just remember thinking, 'Thank f*ck it wasn't me!'
This is why I don't look back on my schooldays with anything approaching nostalgia.
I too got bullied through much of secondary school. Only thing is, the ringleader was an absolute lunatic from a mental family whose brother was inside for murder. Another brother of his took to waiting outside the school gates for me with a knife. It would've been unwise for me to stick up for myself in the circumstances. Plus, I saw one kid stand up to this ringleader and he got absolutely battered. I just remember thinking, 'Thank f*ck it wasn't me!'
This is why I don't look back on my schooldays with anything approaching nostalgia.
Mate that's a situation for a police, not teachers, absolutely insane.
hawksmoor what you have written is really sad, and I honestly feel for you. The kid who stood up for themselves didn't deserve what happened, nor did you deserve to be a victim either. Len has also highlighted the approach of SOME schools. The good news is that bullying can be tackled, but it would require resources taken away from somewhere, and society often calculates wrongly is that it is cheaper for the victim to suffer than to confront the problem. I repeat the first port of call is proof. If that fails, the next best thing is for all the decent people to stick together and act collectively. If we as parents collect our kids from school, and see an unknown other kid, picking on another unknown kid, would we step in and take action, or shrug and look the other way thinking it's not our problem?
The first two years at secondry school were a total nightmare for me as i was quite small and very timid and i got bullied on a regular basis.My parents were up the school a few times but 95% of the teachers seem to think it was an accepted part of the school curriculum to have the shit kicked out of you.
And anyone who thinks it's character building obviously were never bullied or were bullies themselves.
I can see that now, but at the time (the Eighties), there was a strong code of not wanting to be labeled a grass, at least round my way. I mean, I was never actually battered by this guy, it was just the constant threat of violence all the time for about two years. I remember one time getting off a bus in Catford after a drum lesson, and there he was sitting on a wall staring at me. I thought, 'F*ck. This is outside school now. Just me and him.' He walked over to me and said, 'You're a drummer, ain't ya? You can have these drum sticks if you want.' And walked off. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
The threat is a form of bullying. Living in constant fear at a stage in life when living ought to be a joy and an adventure is simply wrong. None of us would want it for our own kids.
My son has just turned 10 and has been bullied a bit over the past year or so, funnily enough (or not !) the other kid in question is also a Millwall fan !!! ( I don't believer in sterotyping, but I just wonder in these cases )
At the moment it is nothing serious, like Baldy, it appears to be just horseplay (kicking/pushing when standing in line etc). I've tried telling my son to either, A) tell his teacher, front the lad out or C) Retaliate. anyone who knows Golfie jnr knows that he is a quiet lad & wouldn't hurt a fly, so the last 2 are out. We have spoken to his teacher about it and they have said that they would keep an eye out for anything, but they did say initially that nothing was going on and it was 1 kids word against another.
I was bullied a bit at secondary school, so I know what its like. I'm not one for fighting so personally I would just ignore it & usually it stops or the bully turns onto someone else (not the way I know, but like Baldy not sure what is the answer)
this is one of my biggest worries about my daughters, not sure how I'll handle it if/when it happens, suspect I'd give her license to do what she felt necessary and then I'd be straight up the school if she couldn't resolve it....luckily she's pretty outgoing and doesn't seem to take any crap off other kids at the moment.
My experience of this is that my daughters school were initially a joke and refused to accept anything was going on. Took constant badgering and ultimately they only intervened when a teacher change took place and the new teacher witnessed what was going in. I resisted the urge to tell my daughter to smack the other girl in the mouth, but can see why some parents encourage it.
Baldybonce - has this bullying gone beyond this other kid nicking your boys hat?
I'd also assume that if they're 10, they've been at the same school for a few years now. Has he been bullied before, or has it just started this term?
Last term and this. Some pushing and shoving and name calling is involved to. The strange thing is my boy is very big for his age but the other boy has his mates with him all the time.
My kids school has a rigorously enforced ZERO tolerance to bullying and have actually expelled two EIGHT year old boys this year!
It is an independent school and they make it quite clear to incoming parents that this is their policy and it is non negotiable.
One of the kids in question was in my sons class and that little fucker was give a verbal warning on first offence, then a written warning and then back in July he transgressed again and was expelled that day.
Because they are so tough on it then the school really is a loving, nurturing environment and I know that my three will never have to go through the horrors that others experience.
The downside is that some of the expulsions can be harsh, my son's friend is a nice kid but is the youngest of three boys and only a little fella, as a result his elder brothers bully him at home so at school he flips out when his class mates try and dominate him.
As a result he is on his final warning from the school, the next step is expulsion which would be a real shame but rules is rules.
Was bullied throughout primary school. Thing was it wasn't ever really one person but rather most of my class that treated me like shit. So I couldn't go to the teacher and single one out as it would get worse, be like pissing on a bushfire to put it out. Didn't help that whenever I lashed out and hit some one in blind frustration or rather just went mental and was kicking and scratching them (wasn't the strongest kid) it was me that was in the shit with the teachers. Thankfully I had an elderly relative that was in the position to put me into a private school with very small classes and nice, well behaved kids, or it would have gone into secondary school and god knows where I would be without it. That's why I will never bad mouth private schools, pretty much saved my life I'm sure.
Anyway I hope you get your situation sorted mate, if the school won't do anything about it threaten to take it to the local press. Schools should be very hot on these things nowadays.
My two girls were polar opposites at school. The eldest ran with and was one of the popular kids and she "breezed" through school (although surprise surprise she regretted not taking school more seriously only 6 months out into the real world...). The younger (by two years) had a terrible time, she suffered from dyspraxia and spent most of her schooling in the lower stream, thrown in with the kids who caused the most problems at the school, some real Jeremy Kyle testers. Luckily while the eldest was still around she was given some protection from sister and her mates regarding the physical abuse. The mental abuse is horrific, especially with girls.
Both my wife and me were beside ourselves at times to see how the whole experience affected her and to this day. We went through the usual official channels, it was heartbreaking and at times tbh quite pointless. The main instigators of the bullying had no hope in life, missing or criminal parents and as far as we could see were given every assistance, even a dedicated member of staff to ensure that they actually stayed on school premises. Come lesson and during times of examination and assessment they were the kids that got one to one help, while my child and others with learning difficulties must of looked on and thought, why the hell is this happening? As a parent you bleed for your child, any slight on them is felt as deeply by you and you are as helpless as each other, as reacting to bullying in like kind just brings you down to the base level that certain members of society are quite happy to swill around in.
I really feel for your situation. If I can help in any way or you just want someone to sound off to, PM me.
If the kid doing the bullying isn't too much of a headcase, then tell your son to punch him on the nose.
I remember when I was getting a bit lairy with some kid, he unexpectedly walloped me & I never went near him again.
I also recall, my younger, quiet brother getting a bit of mild bullying & my dad telling him to punch the kid on the nose. He did and the kid never picked on him again & in fact they became close friends.
If the kid doing the bullying isn't too much of a headcase, then tell your son to punch him on the nose.
I remember when I was getting a bit lairy with some kid, he unexpectedly walloped me & I never went near him again.
I also recall, my younger, quiet brother getting a bit of mild bullying & my dad telling him to punch the kid on the nose. He did and the kid never picked on him again & in fact they became close friends.
violence isn't in some people's nature. By the sounds of it his son is (like me) a sensitive soul and would never do anything to harm a fly. Throwing a punch can feel incredibly unnatural and awkward to some people.
If the kid doing the bullying isn't too much of a headcase, then tell your son to punch him on the nose.
I remember when I was getting a bit lairy with some kid, he unexpectedly walloped me & I never went near him again.
I also recall, my younger, quiet brother getting a bit of mild bullying & my dad telling him to punch the kid on the nose. He did and the kid never picked on him again & in fact they became close friends.
violence isn't in some people's nature. By the sounds of it his son is (like me) a sensitive soul and would never do anything to harm a fly. Throwing a punch can feel incredibly unnatural and awkward to some people.
Indeed, he talks the talk but he would never do anything unless he really lost it.
If the kid doing the bullying isn't too much of a headcase, then tell your son to punch him on the nose.
I remember when I was getting a bit lairy with some kid, he unexpectedly walloped me & I never went near him again.
I also recall, my younger, quiet brother getting a bit of mild bullying & my dad telling him to punch the kid on the nose. He did and the kid never picked on him again & in fact they became close friends.
violence isn't in some people's nature. By the sounds of it his son is (like me) a sensitive soul and would never do anything to harm a fly. Throwing a punch can feel incredibly unnatural and awkward to some people.
Indeed, he talks the talk but he would never do anything unless he really lost it.
Cheers Soapy. Appreciated.
I understand. The point is, so was my brother. That's why they get bullied, because the person doing the bullying sees them as an easy target. When they realise they are not they may well move on to someone else. My dad had to show my brother how to throw a punch. I don't believe my brother has ever hit anyone since, nor is he likely to.
I know it isn't always the case, which is why I said it depends if the bully is a headcase.
Comments
Had similar when my lad was in year 7 and it soon got sorted. If it hadn't I was going to follow boy home and confront his parents. One of the most worrying times as a parent. I wanted to be a fly on the wall and watch over him. Now my lad beats me at arm wrestling (he is 20):)
My advice is if you can prove it, and if the other boy is above the age of criminal responsibility, then insist it is a police matter. You may end up doing the thief a favour for life if they get the living chite scared out of them now.
I haven't got kids but can comment as the guy who sits next to me at work has a 13 year old who was getting picked on by this boy saying he was going to beat him up, do this to him, that to him etc. My colleague thought about going to the school but then thought against it, as it could backfire and his son labelled a 'grass', so he told his son to stand up for himself. Told him next time he says anything, say 'come on then fight me now', this kid won't expect it and will be taken by surprise. Worse case is they'll have a fight and he'll need to whack him but the fight will probably get pulled apart by teachers, best case is the kid will just mutter something and wander off.
Next time the kid said something, his boy offered him out there and then and the other kid didn't want to know.
It needs to be stamped out and 10 years old is a good time to stamp it out.
Unfirtunately Little Johnny's parents will probably laugh at the whole thing and that it is only 'banter'
Most bullies either deny what they have done, or say it was an equal situation, or say the other person started it or is deserving of their treatment for some reason.
In the face of denial then proof is the first port of cal, unless of course the bully admits it.
Is anybody here prepared to admit THEY were/are a bully, just as others say they were victims?
The reality though, in my experience of 3 children and many more nephews and nieces, is that many schools are in denial that bullying exists at all.
They come out with euphemisms like "good natured horse play," "banter" and "mucking about." Anything but acknowledge that, yes, there might be a bullying problem in this school.
If you get past that obstacle you then encounter PC bollocks that the bully (s) is (are) the victim (s) rather than the actual victim because of their background and your child is lucky to have supportive parents that engage with the school because the bully (s) often don't.
If anything is done at all it will be YOUR child that will be punished by being kept in at break times, "for their own protection of course," rather than the bully (s).
You then have a decision to make. Do you follow the natural instinct to protect your child and take it the whole way to governors or even beyond or hold back because you don't want the school staff to victimise the child too because the parents are seen as trouble makers.
It's difficult. Head Teachers complacently talk about their "bullying policies" and even show you lever arch files full of papers rabbitting on about it.
The reality though often is that they still do sweet FA about your child getting a good kicking, having stuff nicked or mental abuse for the reasons I've outlined above.
Fingers in the ears and la, la, la all too often I'm afraid.
A contemporary of my oldest daughter (from a different school but she knew him) committed suicide on a railway line because of bullying. The headteacher went on the local news saying that there is no bullying in this school it must have been an external matter. The pupils of that school who I spoke to, friends of my daughter, all without exception said that the boy was bullied.
Sorry to prattle on but bullying, and the blindness of the authorities to it, winds me up big time.
This is why I don't look back on my schooldays with anything approaching nostalgia.
The kid who stood up for themselves didn't deserve what happened, nor did you deserve to be a victim either.
Len has also highlighted the approach of SOME schools.
The good news is that bullying can be tackled, but it would require resources taken away from somewhere, and society often calculates wrongly is that it is cheaper for the victim to suffer than to confront the problem.
I repeat the first port of call is proof.
If that fails, the next best thing is for all the decent people to stick together and act collectively. If we as parents collect our kids from school, and see an unknown other kid, picking on another unknown kid, would we step in and take action, or shrug and look the other way thinking it's not our problem?
And anyone who thinks it's character building obviously were never bullied or were bullies themselves.
I'd also assume that if they're 10, they've been at the same school for a few years now. Has he been bullied before, or has it just started this term?
At the moment it is nothing serious, like Baldy, it appears to be just horseplay (kicking/pushing when standing in line etc). I've tried telling my son to either, A) tell his teacher,
I was bullied a bit at secondary school, so I know what its like. I'm not one for fighting so personally I would just ignore it & usually it stops or the bully turns onto someone else (not the way I know, but like Baldy not sure what is the answer)
Last term and this. Some pushing and shoving and name calling is involved to.
The strange thing is my boy is very big for his age but the other boy has his mates with him all the time.
It is an independent school and they make it quite clear to incoming parents that this is their policy and it is non negotiable.
One of the kids in question was in my sons class and that little fucker was give a verbal warning on first offence, then a written warning and then back in July he transgressed again and was expelled that day.
Because they are so tough on it then the school really is a loving, nurturing environment and I know that my three will never have to go through the horrors that others experience.
The downside is that some of the expulsions can be harsh, my son's friend is a nice kid but is the youngest of three boys and only a little fella, as a result his elder brothers bully him at home so at school he flips out when his class mates try and dominate him.
As a result he is on his final warning from the school, the next step is expulsion which would be a real shame but rules is rules.
Anyway I hope you get your situation sorted mate, if the school won't do anything about it threaten to take it to the local press. Schools should be very hot on these things nowadays.
Both my wife and me were beside ourselves at times to see how the whole experience affected her and to this day. We went through the usual official channels, it was heartbreaking and at times tbh quite pointless. The main instigators of the bullying had no hope in life, missing or criminal parents and as far as we could see were given every assistance, even a dedicated member of staff to ensure that they actually stayed on school premises. Come lesson and during times of examination and assessment they were the kids that got one to one help, while my child and others with learning difficulties must of looked on and thought, why the hell is this happening? As a parent you bleed for your child, any slight on them is felt as deeply by you and you are as helpless as each other, as reacting to bullying in like kind just brings you down to the base level that certain members of society are quite happy to swill around in.
I really feel for your situation. If I can help in any way or you just want someone to sound off to, PM me.
I remember when I was getting a bit lairy with some kid, he unexpectedly walloped me & I never went near him again.
I also recall, my younger, quiet brother getting a bit of mild bullying & my dad telling him to punch the kid on the nose. He did and the kid never picked on him again & in fact they became close friends.
Indeed, he talks the talk but he would never do anything unless he really lost it.
Cheers Soapy. Appreciated.
My dad had to show my brother how to throw a punch. I don't believe my brother has ever hit anyone since, nor is he likely to.
I know it isn't always the case, which is why I said it depends if the bully is a headcase.