Sorry to hear mate. If it helps, it can be easier to make friends when you're single - partly because you can go back to being a bit more spontaneous. I was divorced at 36 and had the time of my life afterwards.
A word of advice re your daughter. It's good that your ex will let you see your daughter, but I would strongly recommend getting some legal advice, and definitely definitely try to draw up a positive, family based agreement for contact and agree a parenting plan between you both. Your daughter's best interests are served through regular contact with both her parents. If you can't agree, use mediation - but always always keep your daughter's interests to the fore.
It wouldn't be right to go into detail, but I'm embroiled in a situation where my other half's ex is trying to substantially increase his contact time with my stepdaughters after 6 years of them being settled and seeing him very regularly, without giving two hoots that (among many other things) it would absolutely turn their lives upside down. Do the right thing by your little un, always. Always.
I found myself single aged 42 and living 300 miles from all my friends and family. Having a (then) 8 yr old son and 13 & 14 yr old step kids up there, made it heart wrenching to pack up and move back down here. But due to the whole messy situation, I was no good to the kids whilst there and fell into a deep state of depression. I needed to be around my supportive family & will be eternally grateful to my sister for taking me into her home for about a year, whilst I got my shit together.
I still saw the kids once a month, making those long drives up the A1and spending a couple of nights in a local travel lodge, whilst seeing my wife (who's 10 years younger) happily getting on with her life with her new fella. I won't deny that it tore me to peices for a few months.
About a year passed before she decided that our son was too much for her to handle (got in the way of her social life if truth be told) and told me if I didn't take him within a month, she'd place him in care. Even though it meant packing in my job to be his full-time carer (he has Aspergers) and frantically setting up a home with absolutely nothing, I jumped at the chance to take him away from what was a very unstable envioriment.
Fast forward another 5 years and I'm very happy. My son is very settled and I'm engaged to the most wonderful woman I could have ever hoped to meet.
I know a majority of this is irrellevant to you Donny, but believe me when I say, it'll get better in time. Staying somewhere where you have no family & friends for support can really wear you down, but it's a decision only you can make..........
Unless you're gonna be just looking for a bit of fun, I'd forget about getting back into the dating scene for a while. sort your head out first. You won't find that special one for you all the time your head is messed up and could find yourself jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Once you re-discover the real you and are in a happy place and settled in your new home, then you'll be ready to start looking to move on with another relationship.
Going on a date with someone who is obviously not over their ex, or has any hang-ups will be a complete turn-off for any woman.......
I can only echo what others have said - keep your child's interests first, even if it feels like it is hard work. The point about deleting facebook or any other sites you might see your ex on is a good one as well. It's hard to resist the temptation to have a look at what someone's up to, but it's not a good idea. And keep busy - it sounds like you'll do this with your daughter anyway, but find other interests, throw yourself into work, arrange to visit friends, have a weekend away. Good luck
You've probably noticed the common theme in all this advice: Keep things amicable for your daughter's sake. It's less stressful, less expensive and most importantly it has to be less damaging. A friend of mine split and divorced from his wife and I can't count the number of times they have been to court and stuff over their daughter.
Add me to the list of divorced fathers! I too have a daughter who was only about 18 months old at the time I split, so I also talk from experience.
Personally if I could relive that time I'd have tried harder at reconciliation. It probably goes against the grain for you to consider it (it did me as I was hurting too much), but even if it does not work out at least you'd know you tried your best to make it work. And if it really is dead in the water, take a good dollop of the rest of advice given here about focusing on how you want your life to evolve and being there for your daughter.
I had a few years of being single, but I kept myself busy and a couple of years later I met this great girl and we are now married and have two children of our own. Life's rich tapestry as they say!
@donnyaddick I've never experienced it personally but make sure you stick around people who genuinely make you happy - I can recommend you read Yes Man by Danny Wallace - its a good book to get rid of the negatvies and rekindle your get up & go! If you fancy it message be your address and I'll send you my copy
I've done longer than the Krays got in my marriage so can offer no practical advice other than to reiterate what you have effectively already worked out for yourself.
That little girl of yours is number one priority and everything else fits around that.
All the best. If you keep reminding yourself of your ultimate goal (the well being of your little girl) you will find a way through it all.
One thing that i would advise, is DONT use a lawyer frivilously - else you will find yourself with a huge bill and feeling like you have been shafted like Charlton after 'selling' Gomez.Only use him for essentials, and keep any 'issues' you have with your ex away from the lawyers as much as possible.
@donnyaddick I've never experienced it personally but make sure you stick around people who genuinely make you happy - I can recommend you read Yes Man by Danny Wallace - its a good book to get rid of the negatvies and rekindle your get up & go! If you fancy it message be your address and I'll send you my copy
many many years ago my parents split when I was 5. I lived with my mother and my father had access to me when he wanted. my parents never criticised the other in front of me and that is my advice to you - don't bad mouth your wife in front of your daughter no matter how you might feel.
Unless you're gonna be just looking for a bit of fun, I'd forget about getting back into the dating scene for a while. sort your head out first. You won't find that special one for you all the time your head is messed up and could find yourself jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Once you re-discover the real you and are in a happy place and settled in your new home, then you'll be ready to start looking to move on with another relationship.
My wife announced she wanted away in June 2012 and moved into the spare room. in August 2013 we sold the marital home and she moved into a two bedroom flat and I moved into a three bedroom house with my son (then 9). As I work from home I needed a bedroom for my 'office'. In October 2014 my son and I moved into a house that we (my wife and I) own just outside Maidstone.
During the two years since the house was sold my wife and I are getting on better that we did for years. There is no settlement, and as we both have decent incomes, all be it that I am semi-retired, and I take my son to school and collect him every day (since he goes to school on Kings Hill and we live nine miles away.
The reason I quoted Tangoflash is that I have stayed single during that time and I have rediscovered character traits that I lost while I was married. All of my friends say that I seem happier, more upbeat and I feel that they are right. I haven't been on Tinder or POF as I didn't want the distraction. My son did his 11+ exam last year and I was focused on making sure that my wife's decision to split up the family would not affect him. I was determined to make sure that neither he nor I would have any regrets about it and I knew that if I started dating my focus would have been taken by the new women in my life and, let's face it, my bedroom.
I'm 44 and I don't feel, in the slightest, uncomfortable about being on my own where as I was in a very, very dark place for the first six to twelve months when she told me the good news.
My advice would be, like everyone else, to keep things good with your wife. She can still be a great ally in bringing up your daughter, and vice-versa. Other than that try to 're-discover the real you' like Tangoflash says.
I am happier now than I ever was with I was in a relationship with my wife so stick with it and it will all come good.
A bit easier said than done! Get out of your flat/house. Go to a pub, join clubs, seek for friends and associates. Join a (sports?) club. Go walking or jogging. Just for heaven's sake do not stay at home alone, you would be thinking too much.
PS: Seek contact with woman. Start flirting.... :-)))
I think it can be 1-2 years before you get yourself back/heal after a split, problem can be when out of loneliness you go back in to something too soon.
Life can be tough, some handle it better than others, the amount it sucks I means.
In the end you need to do what is right for you, some good advice on here
However if I can offer anything to you in way of advice it would be
Get out join some form of club that you hold an interest in,
Don't get stuck in the habit of being in doors, take the time that you will find you seem to have more of And fill it with positive influence and thoughts
And look after yourself don't dwell and don't lose your focus on who you are and that can either find the positives where negatives can seem foremost
If you get sick of the logistics business then a career as an Agony Aunt surely awaits.....
Dear Deirdre has nothing on you mate - very sound advice.
Do you give advice to blokes having problems in the bedroom too?
Yeah mate its called Kamagra 100mg puts an inch on the end and the same Rd the middle, don't take two at once and if you have a dodgy ticker take a lower dosage
However if I can offer anything to you in way of advice it would be
Get out join some form of club that you hold an interest in,
Don't get stuck in the habit of being in doors, take the time that you will find you seem to have more of And fill it with positive influence and thoughts
And look after yourself don't dwell and don't lose your focus on who you are and that can either find the positives where negatives can seem foremost
If you get sick of the logistics business then a career as an Agony Aunt surely awaits.....
Dear Deirdre has nothing on you mate - very sound advice.
Do you give advice to blokes having problems in the bedroom too?
Yeah mate its called Kamagra 100mg puts an inch on the end and the same Rd the middle, don't take two at once and if you have a dodgy ticker take a lower dosage
Enjoy
Christ! I only meant I was having problems putting up new shelving in the master bedroom, what a pervert!
I am really blown away by the comments on here. Had a good day today, taken my daughter out for tea and got the leads on some flats. Gonna have a really good think about ways to fill time as dont want to end up a wino in front of the telly. Getting fit will probably be high on the agenda. Threads like this make me so grateful and proud to be amember of the charlton family.
Time and space are your friend, but they really can be your enemy, exercise is a great gap filler and I reckon you are going to be alright pal and this will be just another page in your book
I found myself on the heap at 36. Ex-wife took the two girls, house, car, dog etc. 8 years later married again and kids still in my life 2-3 days a week. It was the worst thing financially, but the best long term. Best advice from a close female friend was do whatever you want, It's your life and if you can live with the consequences enjoy. I do a bit too much until order was required and i met my second wife (who was living abroad) on Facebook. By the way i tried Plentyoffish and a few other dating / rating sites. One thing was clear, there are loads of newly single 30-40 somethings out there and many/most are feeling just as anxious and fragile. Keep your chin up Donny. Kids are the thing that keep you grounded, not much else really matters when the dust settles. It could be worse, you could be a Charlton fan......oh fuck!
Life is a book with many chapters. There are many more to come for you matey. If you live in Donny, maybe see you for some local games.
If it helps at all Donny, and most people on here know my situation through another thread, but my children are 6,000 miles away, but i make sure that i am in regular contact with them through Whatsapp (almost daily with my 18 year-old) and also weekly at least with my 14 and 11 year olds. They come over to me at least twice a year and i go to see them at least twice a year. Its got to a situation now where my 18 year old wants to come live with me in England and the 14 year-old is saying she wants to join her sister when she leaves school- as they are getting older and understanding the situation more, they are starting to reject their mother. I've made a choice , after 2 divorces, that i dont want any woman in my life any more, and that my children are everything to me, and i simply live for my children now - in a certain way, i feel liberated and free, i go and do whatever i want to now,and, to be honest, apart from the obvious, there are very few things that i miss- and lots that i dont miss! Mate, it may be tough right now, but, as most people have said, stay cool, enjoy this time if you can, dont go from frying pan to fire, dont make any serious choices for at least a year,try to stay away from the lawyers unless you have to - and, above all, look after your children - they will pay you back in heaps later, believe me.
These things invariably work out for the best in the long run. It will get better and it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Focus on what you have to offer and make an effort to get out and about. Don't let this damage any more of your life than it has already. Rise above your wife and be a good Dad. Try not to rush into another relationship. Take your time and it will all be ok. You can get to more Charlton games for starters!
Comments
A word of advice re your daughter. It's good that your ex will let you see your daughter, but I would strongly recommend getting some legal advice, and definitely definitely try to draw up a positive, family based agreement for contact and agree a parenting plan between you both. Your daughter's best interests are served through regular contact with both her parents. If you can't agree, use mediation - but always always keep your daughter's interests to the fore.
It wouldn't be right to go into detail, but I'm embroiled in a situation where my other half's ex is trying to substantially increase his contact time with my stepdaughters after 6 years of them being settled and seeing him very regularly, without giving two hoots that (among many other things) it would absolutely turn their lives upside down. Do the right thing by your little un, always. Always.
What a fantastically honest post.
Going on a date with someone who is obviously not over their ex, or has any hang-ups will be a complete turn-off for any woman.......
Good luck
Add me to the list of divorced fathers! I too have a daughter who was only about 18 months old at the time I split, so I also talk from experience.
Personally if I could relive that time I'd have tried harder at reconciliation. It probably goes against the grain for you to consider it (it did me as I was hurting too much), but even if it does not work out at least you'd know you tried your best to make it work. And if it really is dead in the water, take a good dollop of the rest of advice given here about focusing on how you want your life to evolve and being there for your daughter.
I had a few years of being single, but I kept myself busy and a couple of years later I met this great girl and we are now married and have two children of our own. Life's rich tapestry as they say!
Chin up mate
That little girl of yours is number one priority and everything else fits around that.
All the best. If you keep reminding yourself of your ultimate goal (the well being of your little girl) you will find a way through it all.
my parents never criticised the other in front of me and that is my advice to you - don't bad mouth your wife in front of your daughter no matter how you might feel.
good luck
During the two years since the house was sold my wife and I are getting on better that we did for years. There is no settlement, and as we both have decent incomes, all be it that I am semi-retired, and I take my son to school and collect him every day (since he goes to school on Kings Hill and we live nine miles away.
The reason I quoted Tangoflash is that I have stayed single during that time and I have rediscovered character traits that I lost while I was married. All of my friends say that I seem happier, more upbeat and I feel that they are right. I haven't been on Tinder or POF as I didn't want the distraction. My son did his 11+ exam last year and I was focused on making sure that my wife's decision to split up the family would not affect him. I was determined to make sure that neither he nor I would have any regrets about it and I knew that if I started dating my focus would have been taken by the new women in my life and, let's face it, my bedroom.
I'm 44 and I don't feel, in the slightest, uncomfortable about being on my own where as I was in a very, very dark place for the first six to twelve months when she told me the good news.
My advice would be, like everyone else, to keep things good with your wife. She can still be a great ally in bringing up your daughter, and vice-versa. Other than that try to 're-discover the real you' like Tangoflash says.
I am happier now than I ever was with I was in a relationship with my wife so stick with it and it will all come good.
PS: Seek contact with woman. Start flirting....
:-)))
Life can be tough, some handle it better than others, the amount it sucks I means.
In the end you need to do what is right for you, some good advice on here
Yeah mate its called Kamagra 100mg puts an inch on the end and the same Rd the middle, don't take two at once and if you have a dodgy ticker take a lower dosage
Enjoy
Threads like this make me so grateful and proud to be amember of the charlton family.
Time and space are your friend, but they really can be your enemy, exercise is a great gap filler and I reckon you are going to be alright pal and this will be just another page in your book
Life is a book with many chapters. There are many more to come for you matey. If you live in Donny, maybe see you for some local games.
I've made a choice , after 2 divorces, that i dont want any woman in my life any more, and that my children are everything to me, and i simply live for my children now - in a certain way, i feel liberated and free, i go and do whatever i want to now,and, to be honest, apart from the obvious, there are very few things that i miss- and lots that i dont miss!
Mate, it may be tough right now, but, as most people have said, stay cool, enjoy this time if you can, dont go from frying pan to fire, dont make any serious choices for at least a year,try to stay away from the lawyers unless you have to - and, above all, look after your children - they will pay you back in heaps later, believe me.