Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough.
To give you a general idea of where i am, I quit my job 2 years ago and went self employed working from home. Everything was fine until we had a little one 6 months ago.
Before, i would work during the day and when i needed to take a break, would clean the house, put washing on etc.
However, now the little guy is about, I constantly get little reminders of what i need to do. Little pokes going can you do this and can you hold the baby for a bit. I dont mind but im trying to work. So now i work from about 10pm as soon as theyve gone to bed till 4 or 5 most nights (when i hear him crying, i still go up and see to him through out the night). Then up at 8 to walk the dog. I feel my mental health is taking a beating and nothing i do seems to be good enough.
So yesterday, i got told that i have been volunteered to be my father in laws chauffeur for the day today. He lives abroud and only flys in to use the nhs so i have to take him to all his appointments. Not asked, told. And the father in laws attitude is very much the same as my wifes. Im just sat about all day at home doing nothing so i might as well make myself useful.
I asked why his own son couldnt take him. Oh hes busy at work...
When i told my wife, thats when she said i need to help her more around the house.
In the last 2 days, ive done 3 lots of washing with 1 lot in now, ironed, folded and put away, hoovered the house, cooked and washed up last night, cleaned the cars this morning (daddy cant go in a dirty car), mowed the grass, walked the dog and taken my boy round his nannys. If she gets up soon, ill also change the bed. All while working all night to pay all the bills.
Am i unreasonable to think im doing my fair share or am i slacking?
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i.e. If ever my wife tries it I just remind her the only thing I dont do in the house is the washing - Mainly because I havent a clue how to use the Washing Machine (genuine excuse) yet put in effort by helping with everything else (which is shared)
No Blinkant, you do more than your fair share. As FA says, list what you do, and what you don't do, but I would bill up what you don't do, as what she does, if you get my drift - just looks a bit more "positive"?
My wife used to work from home and I never expected to come home to a clean house and dinner cooked because I knew she would be too busy.
What's the nature of your work, if you don't mind me asking? Is there no way you can set yourself up a "home office" and make it clear that your work hours are for work only?
The other glaring issue here is communication. You're telling your problems to a football forum and not your wife. Tell her you're unhappy and that you need to focus on your work during the day. If you were at an office or on site then there would be no way you could do any housework or child rearing so working from home is no different.
does she have a job for instance ?
post op is fine.
Perhaps you need to re-establish "work time" separately from housework and odd jobs - from 10am to 1pm you are "at work" and nothing other than your job is done then. It's just a small rule but stops people taking advantage of your all day availability for their own use.
She got used to you doing chores during your working day in the equivalent of your 'lunch hour'prior to the baby's arrival and now expects it of right.
You need to give her a clear choice: Either she accepts a drop in income as you will be renting premises elsewhere so you can work a more conventional day or she adopts a more reasonable attitude to your work situation.
The comment about the father's own son being 'busy at work' says it all. She (they) has no concept of what you do and needs to be educated.
All of it.
;o)
Well, she's got that wrong. You're not "helping her" you are doing your share, or not, of looking after your own house and child.
I work from home a couple of days a week so on those days I tidy up, do the washing and the washing up and get some shopping. No big deal, it's my house and my wifes, my clothes, and hers, so why shouldn't I? She works in a far more stressful job that mine not that that matters.
Then again I didn't leave my mum's house and move straight in with my wife so I can manage difficult tasks like ironing and using the washing machine all on my own : - )
As for the in-laws, leave bringing them up to speed until you've got through to your Mrs
The discipline for working from home can take some learning, I do but I'm no natural, indeed the chores can seem much more appealing than the work which pays the bills. We never like our work to impinge on family/home time but when we work away from the home we are more easily perceived as being "at work" and if that means long hours, so be it. Creating some kind of 'at work' when home is no easy thing for us as the worker, let alone for our cohabitees but establishing that is essential.
Good luck
You need to talk, not argue, about what a fair division is. What your worktime is. And any other factor - like being 'volunteered' for errands that are not anything to do with you, unless you offer.
Hopefully you can both compromise where necessary.
Good luck.
Failing that just leave your laptop somewhere she'll see it with this thread open and a pop up for thai brides as advised by @ricky_otto and hopefully she'll get her act together.
Tell your father in law to butt out and if he gets lemon open the car door on one of your taxi trips to the hospital and push him out whilst en route so he gets the message as he rolls along the tarmac rueing the day he ever dared cross you.
Ultimately, at the end of the day they'll all respect you for this approach and you can go back to being unfettered king of your (tidy) castle.
Whist I was married to wife no 2 & mother to my 3 kids & mainly worked in an office which was no more than a 30 min car drive. I used to take the kids to nursery or to primary school in the mornings, bath them at night, put them to bed & read them stories. Also did the washing & the ironing. I think that was about right & fair.
Secondly, you have given an inch, then another, then another. Now you've lost a mile and there's only going to be one self- indulgent lazy arsehole in your attempt to just do what's fair.
Am i bitter? Maybe. But only when i'm allowed to be
anyway must go, got to cook my lunch.
You’ve gone from seamlessly managing all of that to now not being able to suss out how to get a decent mix of fruit out of the tin?!?
Either that or just iron the collar and wear a cardigan.
Anyway I much prefer being middle aged, divorced and banged up in a grotty one bedroom flat on my own!
Work wise she left her job when the baby was born and i pay for everything. Im not bothered about that. I bought the house before i met her and always paid the bills and so its always been the done thing. I just need to pay for things like her phone and car and a bit of pocket money now. I thought it might be this loss of independence around money but she said she doesnt want to go back to work.
I worked 15 years in banking. Hated every second of it but made a nice bit of money and paid my house off. Now im trying to follow my dream of working in films/computer games etc. I currently am a freelance writer for magazines and websites and now and again do testing for games. I think this is where the 'dont really work' comes from. People see me playing games or watching a film and think im not doing anything. They dont take notice of the pad with 10 pages of notes on it.
Some good advice though guys, some thinking for me to do...