"Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough."
Well, she's got that wrong. You're not "helping her" you are doing your share, or not, of looking after your own house and child.
I work from home a couple of days a week so on those days I tidy up, do the washing and the washing up and get some shopping. No big deal, it's my house and my wifes, my clothes, and hers, so why shouldn't I? She works in a far more stressful job that mine not that that matters.
Then again I didn't leave my mum's house and move straight in with my wife so I can manage difficult tasks like ironing and using the washing machine all on my own : - )
I'll do almost anything around the house - cook, load the dishwasher, hoovering, might even stretch to loading the washing machine. But ironing?? Are you mad? That's way beyond my capability - I couldn't even iron a tea towel.
It's a skill that only real men can master and if I didn't do it I'd never have ironed shirts to wear. Do it watching the telly and it's fine.
anyway must go, got to cook my lunch.
Non-iron shirts are the way to go.
Either that or just iron the collar and wear a cardigan.
The only thing she does around the house and the card she always plays is the baby card. Tbf she does do a lot and it is probably a good 80% her. I do bath, and feed and change him when im about, but she picks up the slack when i am doing other things so maybe i do need to spend more time doing baby stuff.
Work wise she left her job when the baby was born and i pay for everything. Im not bothered about that. I bought the house before i met her and always paid the bills and so its always been the done thing. I just need to pay for things like her phone and car and a bit of pocket money now. I thought it might be this loss of independence around money but she said she doesnt want to go back to work.
I worked 15 years in banking. Hated every second of it but made a nice bit of money and paid my house off. Now im trying to follow my dream of working in films/computer games etc. I currently am a freelance writer for magazines and websites and now and again do testing for games. I think this is where the 'dont really work' comes from. People see me playing games or watching a film and think im not doing anything. They dont take notice of the pad with 10 pages of notes on it.
Some good advice though guys, some thinking for me to do...
do you actually make a living from what you do ? i suspect not as shed take you more seriously ...
id get a seperate office ,work strict hours stick with that and put your foot down ,frankly shes very fortunate that you are around the breadwinner is normally away during the day rather than a shout up the stairs away
@blinkant ... remember that a first child is always a strain on you both, especially for the mother .. so just explain to her gently what's what .. sort it out now as these types of disagreement can fester and lead to more serious relationship issues ..
as for your father in law .. put him right straight about his attitude, if that leads to a falling out then so be it .. he's got comments to make about you ? .. tell him to keep them to himself .. it's ok having the in-laws under your feet and asking for favours so long as they behave in a correct manner and don't interfere in your domestic situation ..
as the father in law perceives you to be just 'hanging around the house' and are available to be at his beck and call, put him straight and tell him cut out the negative and if he demurs, then tell him to get a cab, use uber or walk .. same as with the wife, the longer unease/disagreements hang about, the worse it is .. good luck
Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough.
To give you a general idea of where i am, I quit my job 2 years ago and went self employed working from home. Everything was fine until we had a little one 6 months ago.
Before, i would work during the day and when i needed to take a break, would clean the house, put washing on etc.
However, now the little guy is about, I constantly get little reminders of what i need to do. Little pokes going can you do this and can you hold the baby for a bit. I dont mind but im trying to work. So now i work from about 10pm as soon as theyve gone to bed till 4 or 5 most nights (when i hear him crying, i still go up and see to him through out the night). Then up at 8 to walk the dog. I feel my mental health is taking a beating and nothing i do seems to be good enough.
So yesterday, i got told that i have been volunteered to be my father in laws chauffeur for the day today. He lives abroud and only flys in to use the nhs so i have to take him to all his appointments. Not asked, told. And the father in laws attitude is very much the same as my wifes. Im just sat about all day at home doing nothing so i might as well make myself useful.
I asked why his own son couldnt take him. Oh hes busy at work...
When i told my wife, thats when she said i need to help her more around the house.
In the last 2 days, ive done 3 lots of washing with 1 lot in now, ironed, folded and put away, hoovered the house, cooked and washed up last night, cleaned the cars this morning (daddy cant go in a dirty car), mowed the grass, walked the dog and taken my boy round his nannys. If she gets up soon, ill also change the bed. All while working all night to pay all the bills.
Am i unreasonable to think im doing my fair share or am i slacking?
Only flys in to use the NHS tut tut tut, there are people on this forum whose job it is to stop that sort of thing, mind you ive just been offered a new job so hey see no evil here no evil.
Have done all the ironing in our house since we bought our first house, quite happy doing it watching the box and drinking wine.
snap - I do all the ironing in ours, mainly cause I like to iron my own shirts, quite happy watching TV doing it.
I'm lucky that I can go into the office very early every day (here by 6.45) and then get home by 5.30 in time for dinner time/homework time/bath time/bed time routine for the 2 little ones, love that hour and a half of the day playing with the kids and reading to them at bedtime.
luckily we have a cleaner every Monday, with 4 kids and a madhouse it's a godsend and my missus is busy enough dealing with them daily.
The only thing she does around the house and the card she always plays is the baby card. Tbf she does do a lot and it is probably a good 80% her. I do bath, and feed and change him when im about, but she picks up the slack when i am doing other things so maybe i do need to spend more time doing baby stuff.
Work wise she left her job when the baby was born and i pay for everything. Im not bothered about that. I bought the house before i met her and always paid the bills and so its always been the done thing. I just need to pay for things like her phone and car and a bit of pocket money now. I thought it might be this loss of independence around money but she said she doesnt want to go back to work.
I worked 15 years in banking. Hated every second of it but made a nice bit of money and paid my house off. Now im trying to follow my dream of working in films/computer games etc. I currently am a freelance writer for magazines and websites and now and again do testing for games. I think this is where the 'dont really work' comes from. People see me playing games or watching a film and think im not doing anything. They dont take notice of the pad with 10 pages of notes on it.
Some good advice though guys, some thinking for me to do...
So you pay for her car, the baby's at nanny's and you have to drive the FIL around all day?
I’m lucky, firstly got a brilliant wife whose does absolutely everything and brought up three kids with me working away, when not working a minimum of 12 hours days and at weekend playing cricket both days.
Now I’m old and lucky enough to have an office at home which I work from at least once a week and cut down my working day to around 10 hours a day, then when I work from Home the rules are simply, if the office door is shut no one can enter, if pushed to they can come in and talk but I’m still working, if downstairs then I can be asked to do anything as I have finished work for a while or the day. Even the grandkids who are three and six understand these simple rules.
If you're working from home then you're working. There's no excuse why both adults in the relationship can't share the housework like adults but if you're working and she's not then reasonably she ought to be doing more.
My wife used to work from home and I never expected to come home to a clean house and dinner cooked because I knew she would be too busy.
What's the nature of your work, if you don't mind me asking? Is there no way you can set yourself up a "home office" and make it clear that your work hours are for work only?
The other glaring issue here is communication. You're telling your problems to a football forum and not your wife. Tell her you're unhappy and that you need to focus on your work during the day. If you were at an office or on site then there would be no way you could do any housework or child rearing so working from home is no different.
Yeah Fiiish beat me to it. It sounds like the bigger problem is the lack of understanding that working from home is still working. I've worked from home a lot and it's a constant problems. If a mate has the day off they want to come over and hang out and I have to explain like you're welcome here but I'll probably be on work calls.
I would start with the work from home thing, and then go on to the things you do if that doesn't resonate.
Also try to approach it in good faith and with love. Having a kid is really hard, and there must be a part of her that is jealous that you're home all day with the little one while she's away at work. I'm sure you guys will figure it out.
Are you in a situation where you can rent a desk in some office space nearby? Or having a designated room in the house that you only ever go in when you’re “working”?
Are you in a situation where you can rent a desk in some office space nearby? Or having a designated room in the house that you only ever go in when you’re “working”?
sounds like he's got a whole house in which to work .. the dog house ... (sorry for the flippancy @Blinkant )
It is a partnership and there has to be balance otherwise grievances can fester.
The new arrival will mean significant change for both of you.
My wife and I after a few months needed to sit down and talk. She believed she needed to dedicate her life to our daughter (often to the exclusion of all else) and expected me to do the same until I pointed out it was very unhealthy for us and the baby. At what point did we agree as parents to become 2nd class citizens?
She had already stopped work to help us start a family but it was a major hit to the household finances. We had the additional challenge of caring for her elderly mother who could not live on her own and then the additional cost of the little one.
My wife was an excellent homemaker and cared for our daughter very well but for some obscure reason once she stopped work seemed to forget someone still had to pay the bills. As the sole breadwinner I pointed out it was not physically/ financially possible to match her commitment in the home.
I was entirely happy for her to stay at home but it meant I had to put in the extra work to a) keep the job b) climb the promotion ladder c) secure the bonuses to offset the loss of her income and meet the extended costs of the new family.
I also had the issue of travelling internationally on a regular basis.
It was bloody hard work compounded by the fact my wife did not drive. A 70hr working week extended into the weekend with chauffeur & shopping duties on Saturdays/ Sundays. (Can you believe I once worked with a guy who had not been inside a supermarket for 14yrs?). For several years I struggled to spend any proper time with my daughter. It is time you do not get back.
My chauffeur duties did go too far when I had to use up my holiday allowance to take my mother in law for her routine health checks. They were not life threatening issues. She could have easily afforded a taxi. It never crossed her mind.
In that regard you should make it quite clear to your father in law your chauffeur service cannot be taken for granted. You are happy to help when you can but it does have a direct impact on your ability to run your business and thus the long term ability to care for his daughter and his grandson. Point out running him around means a couple of extra night shifts for you to get your work done.
You do not need his approval on how you run your life and your business
My biggest concern for you is "working the night shift" for any extended period. Your health, work performance and relationships will suffer.
I can understand your wife's continual requests to help more. Being a new Mum is a whole different experience with new responsibilities which challenge peoples confidence, is physically & mentally demanding and it can take time to adjust.
She may feel she is struggling to cope. She may feel she needs her own space. We all need a break sometime.
You can but appreciate her challenge and offer as much support as you can but it has to be in a structured way. Stress the responsibility you have in supporting your new family financially for decades to come. What you are doing now is integral that future and at times it and your well being has to take priority.
In this area respect is a two way street.
From there it is a matter of agreeing a defined schedule as to where and when you can help with a contingency for those emergency moments in life and business and then you can all lead a healthy and balanced life.
I'm proper fussy with having a clean and tidy house - borderline OCD probably.
As such - my wife takes the view of why bother cleaning the kitchen if I will go and do it again.
As such I do stuff like household cleaning (kitchen every evening, bathrooms at weekend, hoovering) and she does laundry and ironing.... And as a stay at home mum looking after the kids when I go to work
The only thing she does around the house and the card she always plays is the baby card. Tbf she does do a lot and it is probably a good 80% her. I do bath, and feed and change him when im about, but she picks up the slack when i am doing other things so maybe i do need to spend more time doing baby stuff.
Work wise she left her job when the baby was born and i pay for everything. Im not bothered about that. I bought the house before i met her and always paid the bills and so its always been the done thing. I just need to pay for things like her phone and car and a bit of pocket money now. I thought it might be this loss of independence around money but she said she doesnt want to go back to work.
I worked 15 years in banking. Hated every second of it but made a nice bit of money and paid my house off. Now im trying to follow my dream of working in films/computer games etc. I currently am a freelance writer for magazines and websites and now and again do testing for games. I think this is where the 'dont really work' comes from. People see me playing games or watching a film and think im not doing anything. They dont take notice of the pad with 10 pages of notes on it.
Some good advice though guys, some thinking for me to do...
So you pay for her car, the baby's at nanny's and you have to drive the FIL around all day?
That is pretty much what I read. FFS Grow a pair and tell the in law to get a fucking cab. The missis might just wake up then.
If I work in the office then the wife thinks my role is primarily to print things off for her as we don't have a home computer. If I bring the laptop home to work from home then my parents think I've 'another day off' and my nan thinks I need to be careful otherwise I'll get in trouble with work :-)
Your situation don't look healthy bud. Quit the working through the night stuff immediately is my advice, it looks like escapism a bit and is going to lead to you being physically and mentally ill. If you don't have other family, friends etc living nearby you can come to an arrangement with to use a room in their house during the day until you establish yourself, work out your work schedule for the week ahead. Sit down with the missus and tell her that the current situation just isn't going to work, you'll have no career and no money which won't benefit any of you. You are starting up and you need her full support. This is my schedule for the week ahead and In return when you not working you will ensure she will have yours.
Having a baby changes things, particularly for mums, so have a bit more allowance with that. But get a few things addressed now as it will only,get worse not better.
I find the best way to ensure my other half is pulling her weight is to write down a list of her chores and at the end of each day go through it marking them out of 10. A methodical approach combined with plenty of carrot and stick (star charts are brilliant) works wonders in a relationship.
I find the best way to ensure my other half is pulling her weight is to write down a list of her chores and at the end of each day go through it marking them out of 10. A methodical approach combined with plenty of carrot and stick (star charts are brilliant) works wonders in a relationship.
Anyway I much prefer being middle aged, divorced and banged up in a grotty one bedroom flat on my own!
I was like you until I saw the light.
Get your arse over here to the Dominican Republic. Attractive women 18 to 28 queuing up to satisfy all your personal and domestic needs for a pittance.
The missus and I both work full time so share the general upkeep of the house on a day to day basis and we have a cleaner for a few hours every Friday. The missus cooks most nights whilst I walk the dogs and then I'll clean up the kitchen after dinner, it's normally like a war zone. It works well for us. I'm in charge of the washing and she does all the ironing. We both run around after her Mum, who lives with us.
In Blinkant's case it looks like you need structure to your work hours and for your wife to realise that despite the fact you are home you are actually meant to be working.
Comments
id get a seperate office ,work strict hours stick with that and put your foot down ,frankly shes very fortunate that you are around the breadwinner is normally away during the day rather than a shout up the stairs away
as for your father in law .. put him right straight about his attitude, if that leads to a falling out then so be it .. he's got comments to make about you ? .. tell him to keep them to himself ..
it's ok having the in-laws under your feet and asking for favours so long as they behave in a correct manner and don't interfere in your domestic situation ..
as the father in law perceives you to be just 'hanging around the house' and are available to be at his beck and call, put him straight and tell him cut out the negative and if he demurs, then tell him to get a cab, use uber or walk ..
same as with the wife, the longer unease/disagreements hang about, the worse it is .. good luck
I'm lucky that I can go into the office very early every day (here by 6.45) and then get home by 5.30 in time for dinner time/homework time/bath time/bed time routine for the 2 little ones, love that hour and a half of the day playing with the kids and reading to them at bedtime.
luckily we have a cleaner every Monday, with 4 kids and a madhouse it's a godsend and my missus is busy enough dealing with them daily.
Now I’m old and lucky enough to have an office at home which I work from at least once a week and cut down my working day to around 10 hours a day, then when I work from Home the rules are simply, if the office door is shut no one can enter, if pushed to they can come in and talk but I’m still working, if downstairs then I can be asked to do anything as I have finished work for a while or the day. Even the grandkids who are three and six understand these simple rules.
I would start with the work from home thing, and then go on to the things you do if that doesn't resonate.
Also try to approach it in good faith and with love. Having a kid is really hard, and there must be a part of her that is jealous that you're home all day with the little one while she's away at work. I'm sure you guys will figure it out.
The new arrival will mean significant change for both of you.
My wife and I after a few months needed to sit down and talk. She believed she needed to dedicate her life to our daughter (often to the exclusion of all else) and expected me to do the same until I pointed out it was very unhealthy for us and the baby. At what point did we agree as parents to become 2nd class citizens?
She had already stopped work to help us start a family but it was a major hit to the household finances. We had the additional challenge of caring for her elderly mother who could not live on her own and then the additional cost of the little one.
My wife was an excellent homemaker and cared for our daughter very well but for some obscure reason once she stopped work seemed to forget someone still had to pay the bills. As the sole breadwinner I pointed out it was not physically/ financially possible to match her commitment in the home.
I was entirely happy for her to stay at home but it meant I had to put in the extra work to a) keep the job b) climb the promotion ladder c) secure the bonuses to offset the loss of her income and meet the extended costs of the new family.
I also had the issue of travelling internationally on a regular basis.
It was bloody hard work compounded by the fact my wife did not drive. A 70hr working week extended into the weekend with chauffeur & shopping duties on Saturdays/ Sundays. (Can you believe I once worked with a guy who had not been inside a supermarket for 14yrs?). For several years I struggled to spend any proper time with my daughter. It is time you do not get back.
My chauffeur duties did go too far when I had to use up my holiday allowance to take my mother in law for her routine health checks. They were not life threatening issues. She could have easily afforded a taxi. It never crossed her mind.
In that regard you should make it quite clear to your father in law your chauffeur service cannot be taken for granted. You are happy to help when you can but it does have a direct impact on your ability to run your business and thus the long term ability to care for his daughter and his grandson. Point out running him around means a couple of extra night shifts for you to get your work done.
You do not need his approval on how you run your life and your business
My biggest concern for you is "working the night shift" for any extended period. Your health, work performance and relationships will suffer.
I can understand your wife's continual requests to help more. Being a new Mum is a whole different experience with new responsibilities which challenge peoples confidence, is physically & mentally demanding and it can take time to adjust.
She may feel she is struggling to cope. She may feel she needs her own space. We all need a break sometime.
You can but appreciate her challenge and offer as much support as you can but it has to be in a structured way. Stress the responsibility you have in supporting your new family financially for decades to come. What you are doing now is integral that future and at times it and your well being has to take priority.
In this area respect is a two way street.
From there it is a matter of agreeing a defined schedule as to where and when you can help with a contingency for those emergency moments in life and business and then you can all lead a healthy and balanced life.
Wish you well.
I'm really struggling at the moment being crazy busy with work and doing 10+hour days with 3 hours travel.
It's not sustainable but there is an end goal when things will quieter down in just over a month.
Doing what your doing and working all night is not sustainable long term. Your gonna burn out. That will benefit no one.
Gotta look after yourself.
As such - my wife takes the view of why bother cleaning the kitchen if I will go and do it again.
As such I do stuff like household cleaning (kitchen every evening, bathrooms at weekend, hoovering) and she does laundry and ironing.... And as a stay at home mum looking after the kids when I go to work
FFS Grow a pair and tell the in law to get a fucking cab.
The missis might just wake up then.
Oh shit! I just realised I'm single.
Your situation don't look healthy bud. Quit the working through the night stuff immediately is my advice, it looks like escapism a bit and is going to lead to you being physically and mentally ill. If you don't have other family, friends etc living nearby you can come to an arrangement with to use a room in their house during the day until you establish yourself, work out your work schedule for the week ahead. Sit down with the missus and tell her that the current situation just isn't going to work, you'll have no career and no money which won't benefit any of you. You are starting up and you need her full support. This is my schedule for the week ahead and In return when you not working you will ensure she will have yours.
Having a baby changes things, particularly for mums, so have a bit more allowance with that. But get a few things addressed now as it will only,get worse not better.
Good luck mate
Get your arse over here to the Dominican Republic. Attractive women 18 to 28 queuing up to satisfy all your personal and domestic needs for a pittance.
In Blinkant's case it looks like you need structure to your work hours and for your wife to realise that despite the fact you are home you are actually meant to be working.