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Suddenly single

donnyaddick
donnyaddick Posts: 315
in Not Sports Related
Need some advice from fellow lifers. Suddenly find myself unexpectedly single at age of 45. The future looks pretty daunting. Anyone been in a similar position. I have no real friends in this town but need to stay here for one year old daughter who at least the ex will let me see.
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Comments

  • magic1999
    magic1999 Posts: 469
    Be strong and be yourself !!
  • Ormiston_Addick
    Ormiston_Addick Posts: 8,818
    nth london addick said:

    I have no experience to offer you advice from

    However if I can offer anything to you in way of advice it would be

    Get out join some form of club that you hold an interest in,

    Don't get stuck in the habit of being in doors, take the time that you will find you seem to have more of And fill it with positive influence and thoughts

    And look after yourself don't dwell and don't lose your focus on who you are and that can either find the positives where negatives can seem foremost

    If you get sick of the logistics business then a career as an Agony Aunt surely awaits.....

    Dear Deirdre has nothing on you mate - very sound advice.

    Do you give advice to blokes having problems in the bedroom too?
  • Addickted
    Addickted Posts: 19,456
    tangoflash's post should show you will be fine. Life throws you some curve balls and you will be stronger for them.

    Pleased for tango and wish you all the best donnyaddick
  • donnyaddick
    donnyaddick Posts: 315
    Thanks @tangoflash that is really helpful. I think something similar will happen here. I have pretty much done everything since our daughter was born. Every night feed, early morning and bedtime and much more. Like you she is a good deal younger than me andhas already said she can't wait to get out clubbing again.
    So think best thing to do is stay here for my daughter. I havent anywhere to live yet and she already texting to say I am having olivia all weekend.!
    Love the positivity from your post and glad it has worked out so well for you.
  • magic1999
    magic1999 Posts: 469
    As much as it will be great looking after your daughter all the time, don't let the ex think you are a push over as she has a responsibility towards her as well
  • golfaddick
    golfaddick Posts: 34,304
    I feel your pain sir. I was in the exact same situation, Divorced aged 44, having to let in a 1 bed flat whilst my ex continued to live in the marital 4-bed house with our 3 kids (then aged 7,6 &4).

    It has only been the love from & for the kids & the support from my family that has seen me through. It has been very difficult at times and although the pain of losing the love of my life has slowly eased I cant say that a day doesn't pass that I wish I could turn the clock back. I've tried all sorts of dating (my exploits on plenty of fish is legendary) but very hard to find that someone special again.

    Sorry if this doesn't help much - but all I can say is that you need to keep it civil with your ex so that you can continue to see your daughter, even if or when your ex starts dating or shacks up with another fella. Your daughter should be your main priority - be there for her - make sure you go & see her nativity plays, cariole concerts, school sports days etc. Take turns to spend xmas day with her Tell her evry time you see her that you love her & when she gets older make sure she is aware that YOU didnt leave HER.
  • cashncarry
    cashncarry Posts: 981
    Skycanners great for cheap flights to Thailand, guaranteed a happy ending
  • Swisdom
    Swisdom Posts: 14,980
    @donnyaddick hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but your ex seems like a bitch and, whilst it's of no consequence right now, you'll be better off in the long run.

    As others have said - socialising will help. My mother in law became single at 55, joined a dating club (not a free one) and now has s more active social life than we do. She's had a few bunk-ups but now has an awesome fella. I've never seen her happier.

    Don't join free dating places as you'll get some real scumbags in there. She only pays £150 a year membership but you'd be amazed at the difference of clientele.

    Now you'll probably be licking your wounds for a bit but soon you'll be ready to saddle up again.

    Good luck fella

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  • Sparrows Lane Lion
    Sparrows Lane Lion Posts: 2,797
    Get on Tinder.
  • Cordoban Addick
    Cordoban Addick Posts: 5,448
    golfaddick said:

    I feel your pain sir. I was in the exact same situation, Divorced aged 44, having to let in a 1 bed flat whilst my ex continued to live in the marital 4-bed house with our 3 kids (then aged 7,6 &4).

    It has only been the love from & for the kids & the support from my family that has seen me through. It has been very difficult at times and although the pain of losing the love of my life has slowly eased I cant say that a day doesn't pass that I wish I could turn the clock back. I've tried all sorts of dating (my exploits on plenty of fish is legendary) but very hard to find that someone special again.

    Sorry if this doesn't help much - but all I can say is that you need to keep it civil with your ex so that you can continue to see your daughter, even if or when your ex starts dating or shacks up with another fella. Your daughter should be your main priority - be there for her - make sure you go & see her nativity plays, cariole concerts, school sports days etc. Take turns to spend xmas day with her Tell her evry time you see her that you love her & when she gets older make sure she is aware that YOU didnt leave HER.

    This a thousand times. The main loser if you don't will be your kids.
  • Clem_Snide
    Clem_Snide Posts: 11,804
    Plentyoffish.com
  • ilovelucy
    ilovelucy Posts: 220
    Your story reads like you are the winner here, freshly liberated, and beginning a new life.
  • falconwood_1
    falconwood_1 Posts: 7,369
    Sparrows Lane Lion said:

    Get on Tinder.

    My first thought!

    Older I get the more horror stories I here about really nasty marriage breakdowns, wish you all the best....
  • Big_Bad_World
    Big_Bad_World Posts: 5,859
    Surround yourself with as many friends and/or family as you can.

    If the ex is looking to get back in to the clubbing scene then bide your time, keep things civil and then push for custody of the little un if she drops the ball. Unless, of course, she is a great mum to your saucepan and the clubbing, in your eyes, doesn't impinge on her duties as a mother.
  • Elthamaddick
    Elthamaddick Posts: 15,958
    edited June 2015
    Tinder/POF

    some good stories here and good advice.

    whatever happens, stay civil with the ex for the sake of your daughter
  • ValleyGary
    ValleyGary Posts: 38,184
    Thing with Tinder and POF, is although it's not a long term option, it will give you great confidence and an ego boost to cheer you up.

    Good luck mate.
  • Lincsaddick
    Lincsaddick Posts: 32,491
    I have experience of separation and divorce .. not so much missing the trouble and strife as not getting to see some of my children for a very long time. You'll get over it .. cliché time .. MOPING AND WEEPING ACHIEVES NOTHING .. you're in a good position in that there is no problem seeing your child. As hard as it may be, keep as pally as you can with your ex and don't let 'the situation' affect your daughter, even young children are very sensitive to the vibes in this type of situation.

    Easy to write, hard to do ... don't spend too much time worrying, get yourself fit, get some new clothes, polish the car and get out and about .. BUT .. don't spend too much time drinking away your sorrows, get stuck into and enjoy your work, however mundane and boring it might be .. learn to cook and look after yourself, that is if you don't already do so .. there are a lot of CAFC games this season in the north and north midlands .. get to those and enjoy the company of fellow Addicks, a mean and fickle lot though we may be ((:>)

    Whatever, good luck, keep your confidence and don't let the bastards get you down !!
  • Elthamaddick
    Elthamaddick Posts: 15,958
    I met my missus on Zoosk, she only lived 5 mins away from me and I doubt we'd ever have met without it - yet she's the perfect match for me

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  • The_Organiser
    The_Organiser Posts: 3,999
    Can't relate to the kids side of things but as far as divorce goes all i will say is that time really is a healer and i bet you'll look back in hindsight one day and realise you're much better off, relationship wise, not that it will feel like that now.

    All the best - a horrible thing to go through.
  • ozaddick
    ozaddick Posts: 2,872
    You can't control/change what your ex does, but you have total control on how you behave and conduct yourself. Focus on yourself and your child.
  • donnyaddick
    donnyaddick Posts: 315
    Thanks for all the advice. Really helps. Just need to find somewhere to liveband I reckon I will be okay. Shame there are no Charlton away games in Yorkshire for a while into the season. Could do with a distraction and a good shout!
  • Lincsaddick
    Lincsaddick Posts: 32,491
    donnyaddick said:

    Thanks for all the advice. Really helps. Just need to find somewhere to liveband I reckon I will be okay. Shame there are no Charlton away games in Yorkshire for a while into the season. Could do with a distraction and a good shout!

    you have Derby and Forest an easy ride down the M1 in August, Blackburn to the west in September, even 'Boro in October
  • Czech_Addick
    Czech_Addick Posts: 997
    I went through something similar myself. Divorced 5 years ago. In my case, I found myself in a foreign country with no family around to support me, but had to stay here for my two daughters. Luckily I have some good friends here who helped me through the bad times. Also, as others have said, I can't emphasise enough the importance of being on good terms with your ex. We're actually good friends now (took a while to get there though), I've met her new fella a few times (he's 10 years younger than her!) and he's actually a decent bloke, which is important as he spends so much time with my kids. I now have a fantastic relationship with my girls, aged 8 and 10, and they spend weekends at mine. Although I'm currently single, I've met some great women and had some good times, and I'm in a much better place than I was a few years ago.

    One suggestion I might make, as you say you don't have any friends where you live, is to consider moving to another town not too far away. I was living in a town near Prague and decided to move to Prague; even though further from my kids it meant I could have a fresh start, not have to see my ex or her friends around town, etc. But I'm still close enough to get to my kids within an hour. So a move to another town nearby would give you the chance to start over without constant reminders of your old life but still being close enough to see your daughter whenever you wanted.

    But whatever you decide, don't let yourself get too down. It will definitely get better. And think of the possibilities you now have ...
  • Lincsaddick
    Lincsaddick Posts: 32,491
    donnyaddick said:

    Thanks for all the advice. Really helps. Just need to find somewhere to liveband I reckon I will be okay. Shame there are no Charlton away games in Yorkshire for a while into the season. Could do with a distraction and a good shout!

    this will come as a shock to most but as you know there are a lot of nice places around the Doncaster area and Donny itself has many nice streets and properties available for not silly rents, especially around the racecourse .. good luck in finding a nice comfy and suitable 'bachelor pad' .. ((:>)
  • The_President
    The_President Posts: 14,280
    edited June 2015
    ozaddick said:

    You can't control/change what your ex does, but you have total control on how you behave and conduct yourself. Focus on yourself and your child.

    Absolutely this Donny. You might not be able to see it now, but there will come a time when you will think, ' I'm so glad I did it this way' - a bit (not) like the Charlton defence..., keep your discipline despite all the shenanigans going on around you, and try not to score too many own goals in the short term- and show everyone that you are above it all,look after your children to the very best you can - you wont regret it.
    Don't worry too much about meeting someone else in the short term - if you are desperate for a bunk-up then join some of the sites mentioned above - but ALWAYS make sure your children are no. 1.
  • Elthamaddick
    Elthamaddick Posts: 15,958
    great post @JohnBoyUK and not too dissimilar to my situation, separated when my youngest was 2 and now divorced, me and the ex get on better than we did, I'm remarried and much happier and she has a fella - our youngest now even has sleepovers at my ex's house with her sister
  • Bryan_Kynsie
    Bryan_Kynsie Posts: 2,179
    Donny what are your interests apart from your daughter and the Addicks?

    Plenty of good advice above about maintaining good relationships but you also need to fill those other days. I'd talk to you about my experience but it hasn't led to the sort of outcome you'd want Vis a Vis your daughter.

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