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The Christmas Sh*ts

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  • Oggy Red
    Oggy Red Posts: 44,955
    oohaahmortimer said:
    Huskaris said:
    Worried that I haven't heard from @oohaahmortimer on here for a bit... Just checking in... 
    Appreciate your rightful concern
    Christmas Day pressure of not being on the khazi cos it’s opening presents time for the kids has thrown me in to turmoil . 
    7-9am is a big part of the days pooing procedures.
    So I had to hold it in and throw my bodily functions in to turmoil .
    Secret Santa delivered two 850g Cadbury’s Dairy Milk that was delved in to for breakfast before Christmas dinner hit home ..
    I’m now on the pan at a time of day that is not in the usual regime but it’s required cos turkey sarnies and warmed up roast potatoes are calling .
    could be a long night tonight 


    You've got to ditch the greasy shitty Cadbury's, @oohaahmortimer. It's doing you no good, mate.

    These days it's not even the same stuff we used to eat when we were kids.
    Cadbury were bought out by an American corporation - and it's only the Cadbury name that survives: now it's American style fake non-chocolate.

    Why not try some organic proper chocolate ..... no chemicals or artificial additives to f*ck up your digestion; plus it makes you feel so good! :smile:




  • jonseventyfive
    jonseventyfive Posts: 3,354
    Wifey is struggling with her irritable bowel, and I'm only just coping with an irritable relationship. 
  • guinnessaddick
    guinnessaddick Posts: 28,633

  • oohaahmortimer
    oohaahmortimer Posts: 34,149
    guinnessaddick said:

    If fucking only ...
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,044
    @oohaahmortimer, after my problems in September with constipation, I'd rather have your issues mate.
  • SuedeAdidas
    SuedeAdidas Posts: 7,741
    The omens are good. 
    Just had my first turnout of 2021....and it was a no wiper👍🏼
  • MrOneLung
    MrOneLung Posts: 26,856
    Technically all of them are no wipers until you wipe ...
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,044
    SuedeAdidas said:
    The omens are good. 
    Just had my first turnout of 2021....and it was a no wiper👍🏼
    I hope you have a washing machine.
  • oohaahmortimer
    oohaahmortimer Posts: 34,149
    SuedeAdidas said:
    The omens are good. 
    Just had my first turnout of 2021....and it was a no wiper👍🏼
    I have a dream .....
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,044
    oohaahmortimer said:
    SuedeAdidas said:
    The omens are good. 
    Just had my first turnout of 2021....and it was a no wiper👍🏼
    I have a dream .....
    ....a song to sing.
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  • Carter
    Carter Posts: 14,247
    oohaahmortimer said:
    SuedeAdidas said:
    The omens are good. 
    Just had my first turnout of 2021....and it was a no wiper👍🏼
    I have a dream .....
    I think of you often when defecating 

    Not in a bad or malicious way at all but after every smooth, long, tapered stool I birth I'm thinking 

    Chances of @oohaahmortimer doing one of these 1%
    Chances of a sloppy one from degrees of type 10 on the Bristol to vesuvius 99%
  • soapy_jones
    soapy_jones Posts: 21,353
    Had a sumptuous New Years tip out this morning.  Just got off the phone to the Coastguard, I said to em "at least put a flag on it mate, it's a danger to shipping!!!!"

    Ordinance Survey will be on the phone next...
  • stop_shouting
    stop_shouting Posts: 3,680
    Can’t believe off it hasn’t posted on this thread. He has some very valid contributions on topic.
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,044
    I can feel a new thread coming on.
    'Constipation or the Trots, what is worse?'
  • SuedeAdidas
    SuedeAdidas Posts: 7,741
    ElfsborgAddick said:
    I can feel a new thread coming on.
    'Constipation or the Trots, what is worse?'
    There’s only one way to find out..........Shiiiiiiiiiite!
  • Carter
    Carter Posts: 14,247
    ElfsborgAddick said:
    I can feel a new thread coming on.
    'Constipation or the Trots, what is worse?'
    Not being able to shit is miles worse 


  • oohaahmortimer
    oohaahmortimer Posts: 34,149
    Better out than in 
  • Oggy Red
    Oggy Red Posts: 44,955
    After reading this thread (not sure why I did)I'm thinking it's time we had another football match to moan and argue about.


  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,044
    oohaahmortimer said:
    Better out than in 
    That's what my wife says.
  • Algarveaddick
    Algarveaddick Posts: 21,156
    Week now since a proper dump. A few laxative assisted squirty ones, but other than that, sod all. Might go to A&E tomorrow (I was going today, but well... the match...). 
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  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,230
    Do you mind I'm having breakfast!!!
  • blackpool72
    blackpool72 Posts: 23,679
    Algarveaddick said:
    Week now since a proper dump. A few laxative assisted squirty ones, but other than that, sod all. Might go to A&E tomorrow (I was going today, but well... the match...). 
    Play like we have been and you will probably shit yourself from the 85th minute onwards 
  • Algarveaddick
    Algarveaddick Posts: 21,156
    edited January 2021
    iaitch said:
    Do you mind I'm having breakfast!!!
    Maybe avoid a thread titled "The Christmas Sh*ts" while you are eating? Just a thought... 
  • Mortimerwasgod
    Mortimerwasgod Posts: 551
    Went for my first 15 minute run yesterday as part of my trying to run marathon in a month. Hit 6 minutes and suddenly got the calling, I knew I was 6 minutes from home so began the run back. By the time I got to my front door I was waddling like John Inman. Just made it to poo bay in time. Had to finish the last 3 minutes running around the flat. If my girlfriend had been in the shitter I would have gone in a pot plant. 
  • Carter
    Carter Posts: 14,247
    Mortimerwasgod said:
    Went for my first 15 minute run yesterday as part of my trying to run marathon in a month. Hit 6 minutes and suddenly got the calling, I knew I was 6 minutes from home so began the run back. By the time I got to my front door I was waddling like John Inman. Just made it to poo bay in time. Had to finish the last 3 minutes running around the flat. If my girlfriend had been in the shitter I would have gone in a pot plant. 
    One of my mates got caught walking back from the pub and had the horror of the single bog being occupied 

    He ended up shitting into one of his infant sons nappies 
  • Algarveaddick
    Algarveaddick Posts: 21,156
    Carter said:
    Mortimerwasgod said:
    Went for my first 15 minute run yesterday as part of my trying to run marathon in a month. Hit 6 minutes and suddenly got the calling, I knew I was 6 minutes from home so began the run back. By the time I got to my front door I was waddling like John Inman. Just made it to poo bay in time. Had to finish the last 3 minutes running around the flat. If my girlfriend had been in the shitter I would have gone in a pot plant. 
    One of my mates got caught walking back from the pub and had the horror of the single bog being occupied 

    He ended up shitting into one of his infant sons nappies 
    10/10 for improvisation!
  • Huskaris
    Huskaris Posts: 9,849
    Carter said:
    Mortimerwasgod said:
    Went for my first 15 minute run yesterday as part of my trying to run marathon in a month. Hit 6 minutes and suddenly got the calling, I knew I was 6 minutes from home so began the run back. By the time I got to my front door I was waddling like John Inman. Just made it to poo bay in time. Had to finish the last 3 minutes running around the flat. If my girlfriend had been in the shitter I would have gone in a pot plant. 
    One of my mates got caught walking back from the pub and had the horror of the single bog being occupied 

    He ended up shitting into one of his infant sons nappies 
    Reminds me of my favourite CL thread of all time:

    https://forum.charltonlife.com/discussion/33634/needing-to-go
  • McBobbin
    McBobbin Posts: 12,051
    Bunged up for a week, now I'm threading needles. At least I now know the power of pickled jalapenos
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,044
    McBobbin said:
    Bunged up for a week, now I'm threading needles. At least I now know the power of pickled jalapenos
    The worst of both worlds.

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