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Why shouldn't you trust an atom?
They make up literally everything.4 -
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff ?
because he wanted Tequila3 -
Mexican's wife only has a single tooth, she's called Juanita.3
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I can’t stay up all night dancing any more.
But in the 90’s I did it with ease4 -
I watched a programme about beavers last night.
It was the best dam programme I’ve ever seen.3 -
I bumped into a MAGA-head yesterday, he said “I believe Trump was sent by God”.
Me: “Why, had he run out of locusts?”.2 -
i before eExcept for when your neighbourKeith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.Weird.10
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I was in the cemetery and I saw a bloke get up from behind a gravestone. "Morning," I said. "No - just having a shit". [Bob Mortimer]
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Bit harsh on Bob...🙄Stig said:I was in the cemetery and I saw a bloke get up from behind a gravestone. "Morning," I said. "No - just having a shit". [Bob Mortimer]0 -
Horse goes into a bar.
Barman says, 'Why the long face?'
"It's a Weatherspoons", says the horse7 - Sponsored links:
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My dad's suffering from seizures.
Last week they took his car, this week his house5 -
I was asked which celebrity I'd like to shag.
I said Keira Knightly.
Or maybe just a few times a week6 -
A duck walks into a pub at lunchtime and asks for a pint and a toasted sandwich. The landlord exclaims “My God a talking duck” The duck replies “Yeah, I’m a plasterer. I’m working on the building site across the road, converting the old building into flats. I’ll be in every lunchtime for the next two weeks.”The following week the circus comes to town, and the ringmaster drops into the pub for a pint. The landlord tells him about this talking duck that comes in every lunchtime. The ringmaster is very keen on having a talking duck in the circus, so gives the landlord his business card and asks him to get the duck to give him a call.When the duck pops in that lunchtime for his pint and sandwich the landlord tells the duck about the circus ringmaster wanting the duck to come and work for him.The duck asks “A circus?”The landlord says: “yes”The duck says: “In the big tent on the heath?”“Yes, that’s right,” answers the landlord excitedly.And the duck says: “What do they want with a plasterer?”17
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How about Tess Daly?MrWalker said:I was asked which celebrity I'd like to shag.
I said Keira Knightly.
Or maybe just a few times a week9 -
Strange kink, but Reese Witherspoon?thai malaysia addick said:
How about Tess Daly?MrWalker said:I was asked which celebrity I'd like to shag.
I said Keira Knightly.
Or maybe just a few times a week11 -
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A BaBOOM.0 -
Come the apocalypse, men are going to arrive in heaven about 30 minutes before women.
It's there in the Bible, Reveletions 8 1: "when the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour"1 -
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You manage three minutes? Boasting again, Dave?DaveMehmet said:
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If we don’t sin, Jesus died for nothing.1
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The annual event where the US President poses with the Easter Bunny (yes, it's a real thing, no, I don't know why) has a strong track record of leading to photos that will persuade you to give up drugs.
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A Geordie sits down at a barbershop in Ashington and asks the barber if he can have a perm.The barber says "alreet" and clears his throat...“… Ah wandered lueernly as a clood…”13
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A Geordie visits Ashington baths and a lass in the pool starts complimenting him.The Geordie says, “Are ye flirtin’?”"Nah, pet – I'm on me tiptoes!”, she replies.9
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A photographer was killed when a huge lumpof cheddar landed on him.To be fair, the people being photographed did try to warn him.16
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