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Has the Jokes thread disappeared?

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  • LargeAddick
    LargeAddick Posts: 32,641
    Why shouldn't you trust an atom?
    They make up literally everything.
  • Taxi_Lad
    Taxi_Lad Posts: 3,778
    Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff ?

    because he wanted Tequila 
  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,249
    Mexican's wife only has a single tooth, she's called Juanita.
  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,136
    edited April 6
    I can’t stay up all night dancing any more.
    But in the 90’s I did it with ease
  • LargeAddick
    LargeAddick Posts: 32,641
    I watched a programme about beavers last night.
    It was the best dam programme I’ve ever seen.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,834
    I bumped into a MAGA-head yesterday, he said “I believe Trump was sent by God”.

    Me: “Why, had he run out of locusts?”.
  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,136
    i before e
    Except for when your neighbour
    Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
    Weird.
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,088
    I was in the cemetery and I saw a bloke get up from behind a gravestone. "Morning," I said. "No - just having a shit". [Bob Mortimer]
  • eastterrace6168
    eastterrace6168 Posts: 22,810
    Stig said:
    I was in the cemetery and I saw a bloke get up from behind a gravestone. "Morning," I said. "No - just having a shit". [Bob Mortimer]
    Bit harsh on Bob...🙄
  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,136
    Horse goes into a bar.

    Barman says, 'Why the long face?'

    "It's a Weatherspoons", says the horse

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  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,136
    My dad's suffering from seizures.

    Last week they took his car, this week his house
  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,136
    edited April 12
    I was asked which celebrity I'd like to shag.
    I said Keira Knightly.

    Or maybe just a few times a week
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,123
    A duck walks into a pub at lunchtime and asks for a pint and a toasted sandwich. The landlord exclaims “My God a talking duck” The duck replies “Yeah, I’m a plasterer. I’m working on the building site across the road, converting the old building into flats. I’ll be in every lunchtime for the next two weeks.”

    The following week the circus comes to town, and the ringmaster drops into the pub for a pint. The landlord tells him about this talking duck that comes in every lunchtime. The ringmaster is very keen on having a talking duck in the circus, so gives the landlord his business card and asks him to get the duck to give him a call.

    When the duck pops in that lunchtime for his pint and sandwich the landlord tells the duck about the circus ringmaster wanting the duck to come and work for him.

    The duck asks “A circus?”
    The landlord says: “yes”
    The duck says: “In the big tent on the heath?”
    “Yes, that’s right,” answers the landlord excitedly.
    And the duck says: “What do they want with a plasterer?”
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,123

  • cafc375
    cafc375 Posts: 350

  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,390
    MrWalker said:
    I was asked which celebrity I'd like to shag.
    I said Keira Knightly.

    Or maybe just a few times a week
    How about Tess Daly?
  • To_Be_Franck
    To_Be_Franck Posts: 1,095
    thai malaysia addick said:
    MrWalker said:
    I was asked which celebrity I'd like to shag.
    I said Keira Knightly.

    Or maybe just a few times a week
    How about Tess Daly?
    Strange kink, but Reese Witherspoon?
  • cfgs
    cfgs Posts: 11,494
    What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

    A BaBOOM.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,834
    Come the apocalypse, men are going to arrive in heaven about 30 minutes before women.

    It's there in the Bible, Reveletions 8 1: "when the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour"
  • DaveMehmet
    DaveMehmet Posts: 21,630


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  • DaveMehmet
    DaveMehmet Posts: 21,630

  • DaveMehmet
    DaveMehmet Posts: 21,630

  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,834
    DaveMehmet said:

    You manage three minutes?  Boasting again, Dave?
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,834
    edited April 20
    If we don’t sin, Jesus died for nothing.
  • Swindon_Addick
    Swindon_Addick Posts: 1,674
    The annual event where the US President poses with the Easter Bunny (yes, it's a real thing, no, I don't know why) has a strong track record of leading to photos that will persuade you to give up drugs.


  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,123
    A Geordie sits down at a barbershop in Ashington and asks the barber if he can have a perm. 

    The barber says "alreet" and clears his throat...

    “… Ah wandered lueernly as a clood…”
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,123
    A Geordie visits Ashington baths and a lass in the pool starts complimenting him.

    The Geordie says, “Are ye flirtin’?”

    "Nah, pet – I'm on me tiptoes!”, she replies.
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,123
    A photographer was killed when a huge lump
    of cheddar landed on him.

    To be fair, the people being photographed did try to warn him.
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,088

  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,834

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