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  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,102
    edited June 28
    My wife is very excited by her new sit on lawnmower.

    He’s called Steve, apparently 
  • eaststandmike
    eaststandmike Posts: 14,956
    The guy who died after being hit by a tennis ball was buried today.

    His wife said it was a lovely service!
  • Arthur_Trudgill
    Arthur_Trudgill Posts: 462
    I work in IT. I got an External call on Teams this afternoon. I answered it and a child at the other end said "Hello, we are calling from Microscope", fell about laughing, and hang up.

    It really made chuckle.
  • gringo
    gringo Posts: 558
    I work in IT. I got an External call on Teams this afternoon. I answered it and a child at the other end said "Hello, we are calling from Microscope", fell about laughing, and hang up.

    It really made chuckle.
    ???
  • R0TW
    R0TW Posts: 1,673
    Each to their own I guess
  • Arthur_Trudgill
    Arthur_Trudgill Posts: 462
    gringo said:
    I work in IT. I got an External call on Teams this afternoon. I answered it and a child at the other end said "Hello, we are calling from Microscope", fell about laughing, and hang up.

    It really made chuckle.
    ???
    Microscope ~ Microsoft?
  • gringo said:
    I work in IT. I got an External call on Teams this afternoon. I answered it and a child at the other end said "Hello, we are calling from Microscope", fell about laughing, and hang up.

    It really made chuckle.
    ???
    Microscope ~ Microsoft?
    I think you're looking at this joke in too much detail
  • Arthur_Trudgill
    Arthur_Trudgill Posts: 462
    gringo said:
    I work in IT. I got an External call on Teams this afternoon. I answered it and a child at the other end said "Hello, we are calling from Microscope", fell about laughing, and hang up.

    It really made chuckle.
    ???
    Microscope ~ Microsoft?
    I think you're looking at this joke in too much detail
    Maybe it's funnier when seen through a different lens.
  • Chizz
    Chizz Posts: 28,323
    gringo said:
    I work in IT. I got an External call on Teams this afternoon. I answered it and a child at the other end said "Hello, we are calling from Microscope", fell about laughing, and hang up.

    It really made chuckle.
    ???
    Microscope ~ Microsoft?
    I think you're looking at this joke in too much detail
    Maybe it's funnier when seen through a different lens.
    It needs a bit more focus
  • IdleHans
    IdleHans Posts: 10,956
    I'm going to be objective and let that one slide
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  • Swindon_Addick
    Swindon_Addick Posts: 1,617
    I'm getting really worried about my mate. He's been collecting banners of various far-left political factions and it's got out of hand. Honestly, I'm seeing so many red flags here...
  • jose
    jose Posts: 611
    I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger his favourite bank holiday. 

    “Has to be Easter, baby”.
  • Raith_C_Chattonell
    Raith_C_Chattonell Posts: 5,670

  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,102
    An elderly man living alone in Leeds wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in Wakefield Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Paul,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Paul.

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,102
    I know there’s something wrong with my foreplay technique.
    i just can’t put my finger on it.
  • gringo
    gringo Posts: 558
    MrWalker said:
    An elderly man living alone in Leeds wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in Wakefield Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Paul,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Paul.

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Porridge 1978.
  • Taxi_Lad
    Taxi_Lad Posts: 3,766

  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,102
    gringo said:
    MrWalker said:
    An elderly man living alone in Leeds wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in Wakefield Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Paul,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Paul.

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Porridge 1978.

  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,779
    Eighty year old goes to the doctor, thinking he's got arthritis.

    The doc tells him it's not arthritis, it's premature rigor mortis.
  • jose
    jose Posts: 611
    There's a new Mr Men character, known for his patchy paintwork; he's called Mr Bit.
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  • jose
    jose Posts: 611
    I may be light-fingered, but I wouldn't steal a ruler; that's where I draw the line.
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,101

  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,102
    I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

    Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,101
    I asked my doctor if masturbation was bad for my eyesight .. he said ‘You’re in Halfords, mate’ 

  • jose
    jose Posts: 611
    A man with delusions of grandeur walks into a pub an orders everyone around.
  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,102
    My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great".
    I replied, "No, you're great"
    She's been in a great mood ever since.

    I should correct her grammar more often.
  • Chizz
    Chizz Posts: 28,323
    I went to the doctors this week.  He said I've got Attention Deficit something or other. 
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,101
    Been up in loft today, spraying the mice with WD 40. It doesn't kill them, it just stops them squeaking all the time !  
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,012

  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,779
    edited July 14
    What is a pirate’s favourite letter?




    A writ of safe passage from His Majesty, King Charles II.