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Playing the victim.2 -
A group of carol singers were doing the rounds of a hospital and spending a little time with each patient. They stopped at the foot of an old man who was fast asleep and stayed that way until the singers started the last verse of “Hark the herald angels sing”.
His eyes slowly flickered open and he said in a low voice:
”Am I in heaven?”0 -
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thai malaysia addick said:
In the Philippines, where I've worked and travelled a lot, many shops offer 'Buy one, get one' deals. Surely, that's normal shopping.AddicksAddict said:There’s an incentive to muti-buy!!
Also available in Clapham.1 -
The moon is gradually moving away from the Earth. If you calculate where it was 65 million years ago, it was 15 feet from the Earth.The dinosaurs became extinct because they banged their heads on it.2
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Doctor: Describe your average night.
Me: They wear a suit of armour.
Doctor: No, I mean at bedtime.
Me: They probably take it off.20 -
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What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and chickpeas?
One can sing us a song and the other can only hummus one.6 -
I thought it was "I've never paid £50 for a black eyed pea on my face"jose said:What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and chickpeas?
One can sing us a song and the other can only hummus one.7 -
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He's making a list. He's crossing it out.
He's making a list. He's crossing it out.
Santa Claus just can't face Mondays.0 -
I'm livid, I've just been fired from my job making calendars. I can't believe they got rid of me after I'd put in all those extra days.12
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How many times do you have to tickle an Octopus to make it laugh?
Ten tickles.
Of course it only has eight of those.
So the first two were test-tickles!3 -
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually a young lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going?" asks the young chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the young fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the young fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."7 -
Earlier this week was the 9th anniversary of what many people think was the best Twitter joke ever.
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A pantomime horse walks into a bar. Barman says "Pint?" Horse says "No, two halves."
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Not a joke but a thank you: I took the liberty of lifting 4 jokes from this thread for our pimpped up Christmas crackers.
I thought of making a joke about the 'cracking' material we've had, but even after several damson gins, ports, kir royales and Bailey's, I couldn't think of anything worthy of the CL wit!
So instead, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2026, and thanks for the laughs ☺️6 -
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How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.”
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A guy gets pulled over for speeding. The cop walks up to the window and looks at the guy driving.
Cop: What's your name?
Guy: D-d-d--dav-david
Cop: Oh I didn't realise you had a stutter
Guy: I don't, my dad had a stutter and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is a jerk7 -
I’ve been told that Muffin the Mule is now illegal! As is Dobbin’ the Donkey for that matter!0
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When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.4
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