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Has the Jokes thread disappeared?
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When I worked with the GB diving team I had to moisturise Daley6
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I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship, but I in the end I bottled it.6
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Just seen on the news that a whole city in Yorkshire has suddenly disappeared, police are looking for it but at the moment they have no Leeds 🤔
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The wife was cooking me bacon and eggs when all of a sudden there was a loud bang followed by a thud. I rushed into the kitchen to find the wife unconscious on the floor. Immediate thought was ‘Christ, what am I going to do’. And then I remembered that Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for £3.997
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"Prints, Andrew", chuckles the Custody Sergeant.10
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When you realise the WPC isn’t a stripagram12 -
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I hired a landscape gardener but he left.
Turns out my garden is portrait.6 -
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Some US COVID-era jokes.
This is the first time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not screw this up!!!
Wow… bars, clubs and gyms all closed. My life is exactly the same!
Hey creative community! Just a reminder that Shakespeare was quarantined for the plague when he wrote King Lear. No pressure!!!
Also highly contagious is kindness, patience, love, enthusiasm, and a positive attitude. Don’t wait to catch it from others…be the carrier!
Remember when we thought we were going to have a bad week because of the time change, full moon, and Friday the 13 th . We didn’t have a clue!
Definition of irony: gas under two dollars a gallon and no place to go…
Home schooling going well – two students suspended for fighting, one teacher fired for drinking on the job!
Maybe now society will realize we can make it without celebrities and professional sports… but we can’t make it without farmers and ranchers!
Your grandparents were called to war . You’re being called to sit on your couch. You can do this!!
April Fools Day is cancelled this year because no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on in the world right now.
With March and April cancelled, the next holiday is Cinco De Mayo - sponsored by Corona.
Stay inside, isolate or practice social distancing, clean yourself… OMG, I’ve become a housecat!
On a September morning in 2050 : John will open the last package of toilet paper bought by his parents in 2020.
Since everyone has started washing hands like we’re supposed to, we’ll be working on shapes and colors next week.
If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.
Due to panic buying, Walmart has opened register 3.
I’d hate to see a diarrhea virus breakout right now… people would buy all the nose spray!
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.
What if you had coronavirus and lyme disease?
The kid I hired to clean up the poop in the back yard just realized I don’t have a dog…#OutOfToiletPaper
Pro tip: if you get pulled over, just start coughing.
All these kids who have been learning Common Core math are about to learn how to “Carry the One” from their new homeschool teachers. (Yes, I had to have this one explained to me, too).
That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly...
Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home and will send us instructions on what to do.0 -
no wonder Trumps president.AddicksAddict said:Some US COVID-era jokes.
This is the first time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not screw this up!!!
Wow… bars, clubs and gyms all closed. My life is exactly the same!
Hey creative community! Just a reminder that Shakespeare was quarantined for the plague when he wrote King Lear. No pressure!!!
Also highly contagious is kindness, patience, love, enthusiasm, and a positive attitude. Don’t wait to catch it from others…be the carrier!
Remember when we thought we were going to have a bad week because of the time change, full moon, and Friday the 13 th . We didn’t have a clue!
Definition of irony: gas under two dollars a gallon and no place to go…
Home schooling going well – two students suspended for fighting, one teacher fired for drinking on the job!
Maybe now society will realize we can make it without celebrities and professional sports… but we can’t make it without farmers and ranchers!
Your grandparents were called to war . You’re being called to sit on your couch. You can do this!!
April Fools Day is cancelled this year because no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on in the world right now.
With March and April cancelled, the next holiday is Cinco De Mayo - sponsored by Corona.
Stay inside, isolate or practice social distancing, clean yourself… OMG, I’ve become a housecat!
On a September morning in 2050 : John will open the last package of toilet paper bought by his parents in 2020.
Since everyone has started washing hands like we’re supposed to, we’ll be working on shapes and colors next week.
If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.
Due to panic buying, Walmart has opened register 3.
I’d hate to see a diarrhea virus breakout right now… people would buy all the nose spray!
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.
What if you had coronavirus and lyme disease?
The kid I hired to clean up the poop in the back yard just realized I don’t have a dog…#OutOfToiletPaper
Pro tip: if you get pulled over, just start coughing.
All these kids who have been learning Common Core math are about to learn how to “Carry the One” from their new homeschool teachers. (Yes, I had to have this one explained to me, too).
That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly...
Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home and will send us instructions on what to do.0 -
On the train back from Southampton today.
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12% of Americans believe that Noah, he of the Ark, was married to Joan of Arc.4
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I think I can see what they're doing wrong.
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Going uphill would be difficult even with four men.0
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Thought the joke was that we only had three men as shown in the picture.2
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Packet of tea says 'Open other end' on the bottom. What it needs is 'See other end for instructions' on the top.
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Or cigarette butts, it makes them soggy and hard to lightAddicksAddict said:On the train back from Southampton today. 3 -
Having a drink in the pub last night, got talking to an American woman over here on holiday, she said she'd rather have a hundred ICE agents in her shop than one illegal immigrant. I asked her what she sold. She said "Coffins".3
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People keep going on about how other people shouldn't be able to buy junk food on food stamps.
Well, I don't think billionaires should be able to buy 14 year olds on private islands.1 -
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I had a scheme to help older people do better at the Olympics.It would have worked but for those medaling kids.6
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A little known fact about the Brighton forward Danny Welbeck. His Dad was a bomb disposal expert called Stan.21
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A little known fact about the Ex Charlton player Carl Tiler was his wife worked on top of big houses as she liked heights.
Ruth was skilled at her job.1 -
She used to have to go to the toilet up there, but when her boss found out he let her wipe the slate clean.soapboxsam said:A little known fact about the Ex Charlton player Carl Tiler was his wife worked on top of big houses as she liked heights.
Ruth was skilled at her job.2
