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Has the Jokes thread disappeared?
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Well, is it safe to swim here or not?
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.The difference is staggering!11
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According to new research on his DNA it turns out Hitler possibly really did only have one ball…
and a micro-penis apparently
https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2025/nov/13/did-hitler-really-have-a-micropenis-hitlers-dna-channel-4-documentary
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Not many people know I sat next to Noddy Holder at school.The teacher was always catching him eating snacks, one day she snapped and shouted "what the hell are you eating now ?!?!”"ITS CRISPS MISSSS!”7
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Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.4 -
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My wife and I were on holiday and after a few Vodkas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arse.
I was made up.
There was no way i could get another 7 pouches of golden Virginia in the suitcase.10 -
I saw a bloke walking through Charlton Park holding a 12 foot long stick, he was wearing running kit and trainers. I asked him "are you a pole- vaulter"?
He said "Nein- I am German - but how do you know my name"10 -
If you think your job is pointless, remember, there’s a chap in Munich who’s spent the best years of his life fitting indicators to BMWs.
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Here’s one for our ex-colonial cousins.The affordable care act is 15 years old.
Which explains why Republicans are trying to fuck it.0 -
Sponsored links:
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Government announce freeze on Rail prices. RMT Union set to strike over Christmas!
You couldn't make it up!0 -
I've heard Tesco are giving away free turkey this year for anyone that can outrun their security guards
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Another top tip.
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Why does everyone know the muffin man and not the muffin woman?
Because of the pastriarchy.1 -
There’s an incentive to muti-buy!!2 -
In the Philippines, where I've worked and travelled a lot, many shops offer 'Buy one, get one' deals. Surely, that's normal shopping.AddicksAddict said:There’s an incentive to muti-buy!!3 -
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.
"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,
"Do you like cauliflower cheese?"
"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like cauliflower cheese?"
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A Christmas-themed one.
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A man and his flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asks," what seems to be the problem?"
"Well", the man replied, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."10 -
Sponsored links:
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A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender
“got any bread?”
Bartender: “No this is a bar”
and hour later the duck returns
Duck: “got any bread?”
Bartender: ”no, I told you before”
another hour later the duck returns again
Duck:”got any bread?”
the bartender flips…..
Bartender: “if you come in here again asking for bread I’ll nail your fucking beak to this bar”🤬
the duck leaves but soon returns, shuffling up to the bar.
Duck: “Got any nails?
Bartender: “no”
Duck: ”got any bread?”
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I went to the Doctor and said ‘I’ve swallowed two dozen scrabble tiles.’ He said oh, that’s not good. When you go to the toilet, that could spell trouble’
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I asked if I could leave work early the other day. The boss said sure, as long as you make up the time.
I said no problem, it’s 20 past 44.10 -
A wife takes her husband to see the doctor as he had not been well.
The GP tells him that he will need to supply a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample.
The wife tells him "just give the doctor your underpants"!6 -
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My wife thinks I'm nosey.
I just wish she'd say it to my face and not write it in her diary.15 -
What do you call a single cannelloni?A cannelone3
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Seems like it's time to resurrect this one:
A Roman centurion walks into a bar. He sits down and says. "I'll have a Martinus, please."
"Do you mean a Martini?" the barman asks.
"No" says the centurion, "If I'd wanted a double I would have asked for it."4 -
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.11 -
Been looking at the world cup kick off times for the home nations, and it appears that England kick off at:9pm v Croatia9pm v Ghana10pm v PanamaScotland kick off at:11pm v Haiti2am v Morocco11pm, 1105pm, 1122pm, 1219am, 1233am and 1236am v Brazil.11
