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Two slices of bread got married. The wedding was going fine till someone decided to toast the bride and groom!
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The bartender sees a man at the end that is drowning his sorrows in a drink. So he walks up to him and ask: "What's got you down, old son?"
The man sighs: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Yeah, that's a tough one."
"So I told her to pack her bags and be gone before I came back, 'cause I never want to see her again."
"What did you say to your friend?"
"Bad dog!"
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A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,"I'm too old for this nonsense !"So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!The Cop left saying," Have a good day, Sir "...6
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What comes bursting out of the earth shouting ‘bollocks’!?
Crude oil.
What comes bursting out of the earth shouting ‘testicles’!?Refined oil.6 -
If you don't spell 'Armageddon' correctly, it's not the end of the world.
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Was on the tube earlier and some mad bloke was teaching his dog to play the trumpet. Went from Barking to Tooting in 45 minutes.16
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‘ Doctor my stomach is playing up and I can’t stop eating snooker balls. A couple of reds on a morning, midday a red, blue and pink then a late dinner of more reds two blacks a yellow and a brown”Doctor “ There’s your problem, you’re not eating enough greens “5
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A depressed man walks into a bar and sits down. He looks at the bartender and says, “Give me six double brandies.”The bartender raises an eyebrow. “Rough day?”“You could say that,” the man sighs. “I just found out my dad is gay.”The next day, the same man returns, looking even more dejected. He orders another six double brandies.The bartender shakes his head. “Back again? What happened this time?”With a deep sigh, the man replies, “I just found out my son is gay too.”On the third day, the man stumbles in once more, looking completely defeated. Again, he orders six double brandies.The bartender, now genuinely concerned, leans in and asks..“Doesn’t anyone in you family like women?”“Yes, my wife”11
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Breaking news: Diane Abbott formally recognises Plasticine.13 -
I walked down to the paper shop only to find it had blown away 🤯3
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I hated my job in the bakery but I kneaded the dough.3
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I remember in English class once, the teacher asked who could give the opposite of this sentence.
"Children in the dark make mistakes".
I was sent to the head after answering "Mistakes in the dark make children".2 -
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks...
... A Labracadabrador...
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What’s the most popular board game in Greece ?
Monopolopolopopy4 -
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I've been trying to get my wife to sexually stimulate me with her keyring but she just keeps fobbing me off.11
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An 18 year old male in Brixton has been shot with a starting pistol and then severely beaten with a relay baton.
Police believe it may be race related.
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Have you been hit with a rhythm stick while at work? Talk to us. We are Ian Dury Lawyers 4 U.6
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Sad news from the Nestle factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me", his colleagues just cheered.
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Someone just called me, sneezed, then hung up.
I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.8
