A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you". "OK" says 4 year old. Dad asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, twat". Dad: "Go to your room and stay there all day!" He goes upstairs crying his eyes out. Dad looked at 4yr old and said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
A Chinese woman was standing in front of me at the bureau de change.
She was getting more and more agitated, the exchange rate was so much worse than she was expecting. “What’s going on?” she asked the teller in a raised voice. He simply replied “Fluctuations”. “Fluctuations?” she screamed. “Fluc you white people too”.
A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you". "OK" says 4 year old. Dad asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, twat". Dad: "Go to your room and stay there all day!" He goes upstairs crying his eyes out. Dad looked at 4yr old and said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
Never imagined we would hear an off-colour joke from you Seth. Quite funny actually.
Mrs P said to me “I’m fed up with you thinking you’re a Detective all the time, I want to split up”. “Good idea” I replied “We can cover more ground that way”.
I was driving down Church Lane following an ambulance. The ambulance turned right into Floyd Road. As it turned a little metal box fell off the back plate of the ambulance but carried on. I stopped and picked up the box. When I opened it there was a big toe covered in ice. I immediately dialled 999 and explained what had happened and the precise location. They told me to stay right where I was. I asked if they would send another ambulance. They said no, they’ll send a toe truck.
A man goes into a pub with a little dog. The bartender says “You’re not coming in here with a dog!” The man says “But the dog can play the piano”. The bartender says “OK then, if that’s true let’s see, and if it is, you and the dog get free drinks” So the dog goes to the piano and starts playing.
Honky Tonk, Boogie Woogie, Chopin, Ragtime, Blues, Jazz, the lot.
The customers are completely entranced and transfixed by the beautiful music. Next day the man and dog return and it starts again. After a couple of minutes the door bursts open and a huge hairy angry dog rushes in, grabs the little dog by the scruff of the neck, pulls him off the piano stool and carries him out. ”What was that all about?” The bartender asks the man. ”That was his dad” he replies “He wanted him to study medicine”.
Homeless man with dog on string. Handwritten cardboard sign: "talking dog for sale £5".
Passerby: "I say, is that really a talking dog?"
Dog: "I most certainly am"
Passerby (to homeless man): "£5 seems like a very low price for a talking dog. I reckon you could get a lot more than that for him"
Homeless man: "Yes but I just want a quick sale"
Passerby: "But that's ridiculous! If you play your cards right, this dog could make you rich!"
Homeless man: "Maybe you're right, but I just want rid of him"
Dog: "Hang on a second. Here you both are talking about buying and selling me as if I were just a piece of meat, but I am a sentient individual with thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams. And not only can I talk, I am also a virtuoso jazz clarinetist. I can recite several Shakespearean sonnets. I am also a keen theoretical mathematician, and can differentiate and integrate polynomial and trigonometrical formulae with ease. I speak Swahili fluently. And did I mention that I hold an honorary masters degree from Vladivostock Technical College?"
Passerby "But this is amazing! I am flabbergasted! How can you even think of selling such a talented dog?"
Comments
The answer will shock you.
A Chinese woman was standing in front of me at the bureau de change.
She was getting more and more agitated, the exchange rate was so much worse than she was expecting. “What’s going on?” she asked the teller in a raised voice. He simply replied “Fluctuations”. “Fluctuations?” she screamed. “Fluc you white people too”.
So I opened it and it turned out to be spam.
“Good idea” I replied “We can cover more ground that way”.
Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?
Interviewer: Black one
Farmer: 2 litres per day.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: 2 litres per day.
Interviewer : Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?
Interviewer: The black one
Farmer : In the barn
Interviewer: And the White one?
Farmer: In the barn
Interviewer: Your cows look healthy... What do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one..black one or white one?
Interviewer: Black one
Farmer: Grass
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: Grass
Interviewer: (Annoyed) but why do you keep on asking if the black one or the white one when your answers are just the same?
Farmer: Because the black one is mine.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: It's also mine.
He’ll beat the focaccia.
It’s a gift.
Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe
Completely agree
The bartender says “You’re not coming in here with a dog!”
The man says “But the dog can play the piano”.
The bartender says “OK then, if that’s true let’s see, and if it is, you and the dog get free drinks”
So the dog goes to the piano and starts playing.
Next day the man and dog return and it starts again.
After a couple of minutes the door bursts open and a huge hairy angry dog rushes in, grabs the little dog by the scruff of the neck, pulls him off the piano stool and carries him out.
”What was that all about?” The bartender asks the man.
”That was his dad” he replies “He wanted him to study medicine”.
The bartender says “Get out! I’m serving Narnia”.
Passerby: "I say, is that really a talking dog?"
Dog: "I most certainly am"
Passerby (to homeless man): "£5 seems like a very low price for a talking dog. I reckon you could get a lot more than that for him"
Homeless man: "Yes but I just want a quick sale"
Passerby: "But that's ridiculous! If you play your cards right, this dog could make you rich!"
Homeless man: "Maybe you're right, but I just want rid of him"
Dog: "Hang on a second. Here you both are talking about buying and selling me as if I were just a piece of meat, but I am a sentient individual with thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams. And not only can I talk, I am also a virtuoso jazz clarinetist. I can recite several Shakespearean sonnets. I am also a keen theoretical mathematician, and can differentiate and integrate polynomial and trigonometrical formulae with ease. I speak Swahili fluently. And did I mention that I hold an honorary masters degree from Vladivostock Technical College?"
Passerby "But this is amazing! I am flabbergasted! How can you even think of selling such a talented dog?"
Homeless man: "I'm just sick of all the lies"