A man goes to his local cinema one afternoon to watch a matinee showing. During the film his attention is drawn to a woman sat with a dog. As the film plays, the dog is engrossed, wagging his tail in the funny bits, howling during the sad parts, and covering his eyes with his paws during the scary parts. At the end of the film, the man makes a beeline for the woman. "Excuse me" he says, "but I couldn't help noticing that your dog was absolutely engrossed in the film. It was incredible - I couldn't believe what I was seeing!" "I know, I know" the woman shook her head and looked down at the dog. "He absolutely hates the book."
Daughter (2): Daddy, I’ve made up a joke. What do you call the largest member of the dog family that can recognise itself as an individual separate from other individuals?
Me: I dunno. Tell me.
Daughter: Aware wolf.
Me: Haha! Brilliant.
Daughter: Don’t patronise me, you c*nt.
A beautiful woman loves growing tomatoes, but cann’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she comes upon a male neighbour who has the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asks the man “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The man responds “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red, blushing so much”.
Well, the woman is so impressed, she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it works. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the man is passing by and asks the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
”No’ she replies, ‘but my cucumbers are enormous”.
Comments
Because he had a square arse.
Says one:
'Not very busy for a Saturday afternoon, is it?'
I bet you felt like a fool
As the film plays, the dog is engrossed, wagging his tail in the funny bits, howling during the sad parts, and covering his eyes with his paws during the scary parts.
At the end of the film, the man makes a beeline for the woman.
"Excuse me" he says, "but I couldn't help noticing that your dog was absolutely engrossed in the film. It was incredible - I couldn't believe what I was seeing!"
"I know, I know" the woman shook her head and looked down at the dog. "He absolutely hates the book."
They're known as the hallouminati.
Me: I dunno. Tell me.
Daughter: Aware wolf.
Me: Haha! Brilliant.
Daughter: Don’t patronise me, you c*nt.
Arse skin for a friend
Fair Maiden: I wish I were you.
Genue: Weurd, but faur. Alrught.
The woman asks the man “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The man responds “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red, blushing so much”.
Well, the woman is so impressed, she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it works. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the man is passing by and asks the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
”No’ she replies, ‘but my cucumbers are enormous”.