A dog runs up to his master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"
So I was in the pub last night and the barman shouted "Does anyone know CPR?" I said "Yes, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except for this one guy ...
I broke my leg on a rafting trip in the Canadian artic 2000 miles from the nearest hospital. Fortunately there was a surgeon with us who could reset my leg. She didn’t have any modern anaesthetic though. I had a choice of being hit on the head with a paddle or dosed with the chemical they used for starting the engines on cold days that used to be used for surgery.
Comments
"I'm a spy."
"Why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.
I said: 'Inch-high knees?'
'您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'
I proved him wrong though, so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase ...
A) Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
They were going at it hammer and tongs ...
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian calendar.
I'm dreading it.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?
Dog: Bark
Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?
Dog: Ruff
Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?
Dog: With the ladder
I picked up a few pointers yesterday.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"
I said "Yes, I know the entire alphabet!"
Everyone laughed.
Well, everyone except for this one guy ...
"Yeah"
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Who’s there?
Control freak. (Now you say “control freak who?”)
I said that I wasn’t sure, but I could do an excellent Bohemian Rhapsody.
(That's an adjective meaning displaying a patronising attitude).
It's only a draft at the moment ...
Life was tough in the gateaux
It was an ether/oar situation.