I went to the off-licence on my bike and bought a bottle of vodka, put it in the basket on the front. Then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break. So I drank it all right there. And it's a good thing I did because I fell 7 times on the way home.
Guy from Liverpool visits a brothel whilst staying in London. Knocks on the door and says, ‘I’ve been recommended to Catherine’.
Stunning girl is called down, tells him it’ll be £200. The guy gleefully accepts, has a wonderful night and books himself in for the following night - same price £200. He has another wonderful time and tells the girl he has one more night before he leaves for home. Catherine tells him there is no discount, if you want to book me it’s £200 - he is happy to accept the terms.
On conclusion of their business Catherine says, ‘You’re obviously a fellow scouser, where you actually from?’. He says, ‘Chilwal’. She says, ‘I used to live in Chilwal, what road?’ He says, ‘Queens Drive’. She says, ‘Unbelievable, I also lived in Queens Drive', do you know Mrs Cohen at number 74?’ He says, ‘Know her? I saw her last week - she asked me to give you £600!’.
So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blues, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
Lad sat on the wall eating sweets. Guy walks past and says, 'You won't live long eating sweets'. Lad says, 'Well me Grandad is 95'. 'Does he eat sweets?' 'Nah ... he minds his own business'
I think Rachel should call the police, what with Tracey taking four without asking, which I believe is called theft, and Tracey should end up with community service or perhaps a fine. Maybe even a suspended sentence if she's got 'previous'.
Which 'she' is the question actually referring to?
What 'remaining quarter'? There's a remaining three-quarters.
With such a badly wording question, the marker should be happy with whatever sensible answer they get.
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange in America with ¥2,000 and walks out with $72. The next week he walks in with ¥2,000 but only gets $66. He asks the lady why he got less money this week than last week.
My neighbour is pregnant with a boy who she wants to call Lance. I commented that was an unusual name. But apparently, in medieval days people were called Lance a lot.
Comments
Detective: But you are a Solicitor.
Me: Where’s my present?
"No," I said.
"What about KE?"
"Also no."
"RM?"
I was getting a bit impatient, so asked, "Am I a suspect or something?"
"No, sir. These are just our initial enquiries."
Guy from Liverpool visits a brothel whilst staying in London. Knocks on the door and says, ‘I’ve been recommended to Catherine’.
Stunning girl is called down, tells him it’ll be £200. The guy gleefully accepts, has a wonderful night and books himself in for the following night - same price £200. He has another wonderful time and tells the girl he has one more night before he leaves for home. Catherine tells him there is no discount, if you want to book me it’s £200 - he is happy to accept the terms.
On conclusion of their business Catherine says, ‘You’re obviously a fellow scouser, where you actually from?’. He says, ‘Chilwal’. She says, ‘I used to live in Chilwal, what road?’ He says, ‘Queens Drive’. She says, ‘Unbelievable, I also lived in Queens Drive', do you know Mrs Cohen at number 74?’ He says, ‘Know her? I saw her last week - she asked me to give you £600!’.
So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blues, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
Guy walks past and says, 'You won't live long eating sweets'.
Lad says, 'Well me Grandad is 95'.
'Does he eat sweets?'
'Nah ... he minds his own business'
Fry day.
Boss says, "You should have been here at 8!"
Bloke says, "Why, what happened?"
“You’ve given me one too many” I said.
“That one is a freebie”
"I'm sorry sir, we don't sell wasps".
"Well that's funny, you've got one in the window".
it really was a vile inn
What do you call an Indian man who is locked out of his house?
gungadin
I think Rachel should call the police, what with Tracey taking four without asking, which I believe is called theft, and Tracey should end up with community service or perhaps a fine. Maybe even a suspended sentence if she's got 'previous'.
Which 'she' is the question actually referring to?
What 'remaining quarter'? There's a remaining three-quarters.
With such a badly wording question, the marker should be happy with whatever sensible answer they get.
The lady says “Fluctuations”.
The man replies, “Fluck you crazy Amelicans too”
Roll on Monday.
But apparently, in medieval days people were called Lance a lot.
Asks what is different about the Oasis soup.
"You got a roll with it."
He's out there now looking forlorn.