My parents divorced when I was 2 and my Dad remarried in 1974 when I was 4 - my Dad had custody, so I lived with him and my Step Mum near Longfield in Kent - my Step Mum was a teacher at a secondary school in Bermondsey (it’s now called the Harris Academy), so to make it easier I went to a pre- school opposite her secondary school - it was a rather ‘progressive’ pre-school, and in true early 70’s ‘right on’ style, us kids could choose whether to play, or do some learning - clearly I elected not to bother with learning
One morning we were driving across Blackheath going to school - my Step Mum asked me a question (and you have to bear in mind I was a 4 year old boy from a middle class family in leafy Kent) - I calmly replied ‘why don’t you fuck off you c***’
She was so shocked that she pulled over and narrowly avoided hitting the tea hut on Blackheath - my explanation that all the kids at my pre-school said it, and to prove it I reeled off some other swear words didn’t cut much ice
Suffice to say my ‘schooling’ in Bermondsey ceased shortly after that !!
Was in the car with my daughter over the weekend and we went past a VW Beetle. Said what a nice car it was and she just rolled her eyes and said "you're such a nerd"
Was in the car with my daughter over the weekend and we went past a VW Beetle. Said what a nice car it was and she just rolled her eyes and said "you're such a c&*t"
My boy is 2 and a half and whenever he gets fed up with a conversation or answering questions has a very definite way of saying "The. End." that makes it very clear to all involved the subject is now over.
These are courtesy of my great-nephew Henry. He's eight.
Some background to this one, he lives in Northern Ireland so it's plausible. At school: Teacher "What did you do over the weekend?" Henry: "I went to visit the dead people buried in our garden". (A subsequent visit from the police ascertained that he was talking about the long barrows which are an ancient monument in their field.)
At school: Teacher "Where did you get that bruise on your face Henry?" Henry: "Daddy hit me with a piece of wood." (A subsequent visit from Social Services ascertained that Daddy had been carrying firewood indoors and Henry ran round the corner straight into him.)
And, finally, during a rain break drawing pictures in the caravan. My sister: "What's that you've drawn Henry?" Henry: "It's me". My sister: "What are those long streaks coming out of your nose?" Henry: "Hair". My sister: "You haven't got nasal hair like that". Henry: "No, but Uncle cafcfan has and I want some."
Our daughter suffers with anxiety issues and is always worried about forgetting things at school and getting in trouble as a result.
She'd sent a few friends messages to remind her about her PE kit yesterday and also set reminders on Alexa for every 15 minutes in the moring, which my wife receives as messages on her phone.
She spoke to my wife first thing yesterday, looking a but sheepish and said "mummy, if you see a swear word on Alexa, I didn't do it in purpose, she didn't hear me properly".
She'd said to Alexa "remind me to put my PE kit in the locker" but it had been somehow been interpreted as "don't forget to put your dick in the locker"
Once she saw how funny my wife thought it was she realxed a bit and had a laugh about it.
First thing she said was "I bet daddy will find it hilarious"
My 5 year old granddaughter learnt a little about Henry VIII from TV and was a bit alarmed to hear that he had the heads chopped off the wives he'd tired of. Her comment was, 'That's a bit much, he could've just sent a text'.
There are two horses in the field over the back of our garden,Sonny and Paddy.
Sonny will wear a coat in bad weather a big red one, but Paddy won't wear a coat.
We nicknamed Paddy 'Billy no coat', and when I asked my six year old grand-daughter what the other one was called, she said' Well, Billy yes coat, obviously Grandad'.
Was in car with my youngest daughter, an somehow the subject of westerns and cowboys and Indians came up. She looked at me really surprised and said are you telling me they are real… ? Yes I said America in the 1800s. Wow she said I thought they were like Star Wars and stuff and were made up !
These are courtesy of my great-nephew Henry. He's eight.
Some background to this one, he lives in Northern Ireland so it's plausible. At school: Teacher "What did you do over the weekend?" Henry: "I went to visit the dead people buried in our garden". (A subsequent visit from the police ascertained that he was talking about the long barrows which are an ancient monument in their field.)
At school: Teacher "Where did you get that bruise on your face Henry?" Henry: "Daddy hit me with a piece of wood." (A subsequent visit from Social Services ascertained that Daddy had been carrying firewood indoors and Henry ran round the corner straight into him.)
And, finally, during a rain break drawing pictures in the caravan. My sister: "What's that you've drawn Henry?" Henry: "It's me". My sister: "What are those long streaks coming out of your nose?" Henry: "Hair". My sister: "You haven't got nasal hair like that". Henry: "No, but Uncle cafcfan has and I want some."
Sounds like your great nephew’s school need to sort their systems out if they’re sending Police and social services round without doing due diligence in house first. 😳
My wife was talking to my daughter about her parents divorcing when she was a teenager. My daughter asked her if we would ever split up. My wife explained that we wouldn't as we love each other and the only way we'd split would be if dad went off with another woman. My daughter looked at my wife and said "we'll that's not happening is it".
In the early days of mobiles I remember my mates little girl interrupting to ask " Mummy when you die can I have your phone?" Mum was mortified/embarrassed - I cried for hours.
Never forget my niece watching CBBC and the female presenter had stumps on her arms instead of hands. “Look, she’s got no hands” said my niece, so my sister gives it the old “Yes but that doesn’t matter, she can still do everything an able bodied person does”…to which my niece paused and replied ”bet she can’t juggle”.
I was reminded the other day of my youngest son, when aged about 3, referring to ‘popcorn’ as ‘c*ck p*rn’. No idea where that came from but after that popcorn was never on the menu for the kids when friends were around.
My second year of Reading dog and I had been reminded the following week the children would be allowed to bring a book in from home.
It would make a nice change from “Biff and Chip” I thought….. the following week all was going well when a year six lad came along and started to read, basically the children in the book were arguing and their dad was breaking up the squabble.
suddenly the lad stopped reading and said I don’t think I’m allowed to say that word….. looking down the sentence read…..
“Alex if you continue acting the silly bugger and don’t play nicely with your brother I’ll take the football off you and you’ll both go to your room……
Congratulating the lad on recognising a bad word I told him to continue to the next page, which he did and continued reading, which he did……..
“Alex and Peter went to their room, Alex slamming the bedroom said angrily “If he thinks he’s taking my ball off me, I’ll stick it up his big fat hairy arse!
Immediately stopping the group I asked the lad to show me the book and return to his class while I had a read, laughing inside that he found it inappropriate to say bugger but happily said I’ll stick it up his big fat hairy arse. it seems the lad had brought his older brothers Viz type book which from the outside looked like an innocent child’s early reading book.
The children now have to report to Mrs when bringing in books from home! 😂
Took my daughter to the tea room at Otford this morning and there was a toy and train fair in the village hall. Had a quick look around and after a couple of minutes she sniffed and said “can you smell that”? I told her I couldn’t notice anything and she replied “it smells like nerd”.
I was reminded the other day of my youngest son, when aged about 3, referring to ‘popcorn’ as ‘c*ck p*rn’. No idea where that came from but after that popcorn was never on the menu for the kids when friends were around.
My mates little un used to do something similar, when he was about 2 and had a toy farm.
What's this Harry? Whore! And where does a horse live? Whore house!!
My 4 year old grandson arrived at my house as Spider man.
A game was quickly devised whereby Spider man charged into the living room and I - as a baddie - threw a whole battery of cushions at him. He dealt with these in a Spider man sort of way and included a few swipes at the firing mechanism toboot. After about thirty times I got tired of this and said so.
A very disappointed grandson then asked if we could play a different game to which I agreed. He asked to play the Hulk instead. I asked after the rules of that game and he said, 'I charge into the room as the Hulk and you throw the cushions at me'.
She handed me some paper and a pencil and demanded I wrote a song. I quickly penned out the first verse of Elton John's 'Your Song'. After reading it aloud she looked at me and said ... 'Actually, that's pretty good'.
I don't get much praise from her so I'll take that - with a nod towards Bernie Taupin of course.
I’m off to a Mod all dayer tonight in Colchester. Just asked my wife and daughter what they had planned while I’m away and my daughter replied “something less nerdy than you”
Comments
One morning we were driving across Blackheath going to school - my Step Mum asked me a question (and you have to bear in mind I was a 4 year old boy from a middle class family in leafy Kent) - I calmly replied ‘why don’t you fuck off you c***’
She was so shocked that she pulled over and narrowly avoided hitting the tea hut on Blackheath - my explanation that all the kids at my pre-school said it, and to prove it I reeled off some other swear words didn’t cut much ice
Suffice to say my ‘schooling’ in Bermondsey ceased shortly after that !!
No idea who we were playing, but if you look at the thread about the South Terrace, I recount my experience that day in relation to the toilets.....
I want to be a lollipop man when I'm an adult............but if not a doctor.
In her loudest voice our daughter asked “what colour will the doctor be? A black one or white one?”.
Some background to this one, he lives in Northern Ireland so it's plausible. At school: Teacher "What did you do over the weekend?" Henry: "I went to visit the dead people buried in our garden". (A subsequent visit from the police ascertained that he was talking about the long barrows which are an ancient monument in their field.)
At school: Teacher "Where did you get that bruise on your face Henry?" Henry: "Daddy hit me with a piece of wood."
(A subsequent visit from Social Services ascertained that Daddy had been carrying firewood indoors and Henry ran round the corner straight into him.)
And, finally, during a rain break drawing pictures in the caravan. My sister: "What's that you've drawn Henry?" Henry: "It's me". My sister: "What are those long streaks coming out of your nose?" Henry: "Hair". My sister: "You haven't got nasal hair like that". Henry: "No, but Uncle cafcfan has and I want some."
She'd sent a few friends messages to remind her about her PE kit yesterday and also set reminders on Alexa for every 15 minutes in the moring, which my wife receives as messages on her phone.
She spoke to my wife first thing yesterday, looking a but sheepish and said "mummy, if you see a swear word on Alexa, I didn't do it in purpose, she didn't hear me properly".
She'd said to Alexa "remind me to put my PE kit in the locker" but it had been somehow been interpreted as "don't forget to put your dick in the locker"
Once she saw how funny my wife thought it was she realxed a bit and had a laugh about it.
First thing she said was "I bet daddy will find it hilarious"
😳
the following week all was going well when a year six lad came along and started to read, basically the children in the book were arguing and their dad was breaking up the squabble.
suddenly the lad stopped reading and said I don’t think I’m allowed to say that word…..
looking down the sentence read…..
“Alex if you continue acting the silly bugger and don’t play nicely with your brother I’ll take the football off you and you’ll both go to your room……
Congratulating the lad on recognising a bad word I told him to continue to the next page, which he did and continued reading, which he did……..
“Alex and Peter went to their room, Alex slamming the bedroom said angrily “If he thinks he’s taking my ball off me, I’ll stick it up his big fat hairy arse!
it seems the lad had brought his older brothers Viz type book which from the outside looked like an innocent child’s early reading book.
"What was that?!", as I make my way upstairs.
Silence, then very slowly my 6 year old sighs, shakes her head sadly, and says "it's a long story...."
What's this Harry?
Whore!
And where does a horse live?
Whore house!!
A game was quickly devised whereby Spider man charged into the living room and I - as a baddie - threw a whole battery of cushions at him. He dealt with these in a Spider man sort of way and included a few swipes at the firing mechanism toboot. After about thirty times I got tired of this and said so.
A very disappointed grandson then asked if we could play a different game to which I agreed. He asked to play the Hulk instead. I asked after the rules of that game and he said, 'I charge into the room as the Hulk and you throw the cushions at me'.
She handed me some paper and a pencil and demanded I wrote a song. I quickly penned out the first verse of Elton John's 'Your Song'. After reading it aloud she looked at me and said ... 'Actually, that's pretty good'.
I don't get much praise from her so I'll take that - with a nod towards Bernie Taupin of course.