Weirdest things that have happened to you on a date

CAFCsayer

Carter said:

So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head

I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway

We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.

I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate

After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.

The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.

At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry

Hahahaahhahaahhahaahhhahaaahahhaahha

Charltonparklane

Alwaysneil said:

She should have used no more nails to stick the things on.

Or 'Sticks like Sh&*'

CAFCsayer

Haven't still got her number have ya?

ShootersHillGuru

I have realised that I have led a very sheltered life.

nth_london_addick

Charltonparklane said:

Carter said:

Or a driven woman who knew what she wanted and how to get it

*Sees most recent comment by Carter on front screen to find this.

Disappointed Face

Gutted he was my hero

nth_london_addick

Carter said:

So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head

I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway

We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.

I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate

After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.

The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.

At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry

And now the end is near and it's time to face the final curtain

Carter the old Carter is back

AddicksAddict

Carter said:

So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head

I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway

We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.

I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate

After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.

The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.

At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry

With olive oil being poured into your rectum, I'm not suprised by the dribbling.

Essex_Al

Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!

aliwibble

*winces and crosses legs in sympathy*

ElfsborgAddick

Essex_Al said:

Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!

Did you shag yours though Al?

cafcledbury

I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled there conquest for the night and done the deed. There mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in there naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.

Essex_Al

ElfsborgAddick said:

Essex_Al said:

Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!

Did you shag yours though Al?

No mate, the moment had gone!

AddicksAddict

Essex_Al said:

ElfsborgAddick said:

Essex_Al said:

Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!

Did you shag yours though Al?

No mate, the moment had gone!

Who said romance is dead?

To_Be_Franck

cafcledbury said:

I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled there conquest for the night and done the deed. There mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in there naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.

First place I'd check is @Carter 's arse

i_b_b_o_r_g

cafcledbury said:

I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled there conquest for the night and done the deed. There mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in there naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.

Wondered where our remotes go on a weekly basis

cafctom

Met a bird at a club in Angel 3 years ago on my 26th birthday and it turned out she was a massive football fan, Birmingham City.

Anyway, went back to hers' and I was absolutely steaming after my mates had ploughed me with God knows how many birthday shots that evening.

Did the business, and then woke up a couple of hours later feeling like I had fallen out of the sky.

I'd completely forgotton that she had told me about her love of football the night before. We opened our eyes, and in that awkward first moment the next morning.....what was the first thing she said...?.......

"So who have Charlton got in the cup?"

"Erm.....Huddersfield"

AddicksAddict

cafctom said:

Met a bird at a club in Angel 3 years ago on my 26th birthday and it turned out she was a massive football fan, Birmingham City.

Anyway, went back to hers' and I was absolutely steaming after my mates had ploughed me with God knows how many birthday shots that evening.

Did the business, and then woke up a couple of hours later feeling like I had fallen out of the sky.

I'd completely forgotton that she had told me about her love of football the night before. We opened our eyes, and in that awkward first moment the next morning.....what was the first thing she said...?.......

"So who have Charlton got in the cup?"

"Erm.....Huddersfield"

How long did it take you to propose?

ElfsborgAddick

AddicksAddict said:

cafctom said:

Met a bird at a club in Angel 3 years ago on my 26th birthday and it turned out she was a massive football fan, Birmingham City.

Anyway, went back to hers' and I was absolutely steaming after my mates had ploughed me with God knows how many birthday shots that evening.

Did the business, and then woke up a couple of hours later feeling like I had fallen out of the sky.

I'd completely forgotton that she had told me about her love of football the night before. We opened our eyes, and in that awkward first moment the next morning.....what was the first thing she said...?.......

"So who have Charlton got in the cup?"

"Erm.....Huddersfield"

How long did it take you to propose?

After the replay!!!

StigThundercock

Covered End said:

StigThundercock said:

I'd been stood at the bar in a club for about 10 minutes chatting to the mixed group of friends with whom I'd arrived, when an adult female walked up and pointing to a tall woman halfway across the dance floor said "Allo, my mate over there really likes you, you gonna come over and say hello?" just like teenagers do at school discos, except these two were both 30. Being single at the time and having been raised as a gentleman I graciously accepted the unexpected invitation. The mate did indeed 'really like' me, about 45 minutes later and on several subsequent occasions over the following couple of weeks.

Is this how you got your username ?

Username? What do you mean username?

As for those commenters who think it's ok to slate a woman for behaviour regarded as reasonable for a chap, kindly keep your rank misogyny to yourself and grow the f up.

StigThundercock

aliwibble said:

*winces and crosses legs in sympathy*

and falls of chair in hysterics - that's priceless

StigThundercock

cafcledbury said:

I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled their conquest for the night and done the deed. Their mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in their naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.

dear oh dear - fixed it for you

Wheresmeticket

Covered End said:

Wheresmeticket? said:

I once arranged a blind date and told her I would be the one on Peckham Queens Rd station at 8pm in the cycle shorts with a copy of the Guardian under my arm.

I was still there at 9:30.

I'm stunned that a bloke waiting on Peckham Queens Rd station at 8pm in cycle shorts with a copy of the Guardian under his arm, got stood up.

I know.

Petrolhead Tory cow. Her loss.

Ormiston_Addick

Carter said:

So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head

I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway

We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.

I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate

After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.

The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.

At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry

Close the thread - there is no point continuing any further.

ozaddick

StigThundercock said:

I'd been stood at the bar in a club for about 10 minutes chatting to the mixed group of friends with whom I'd arrived, when an adult female walked up and pointing to a tall woman halfway across the dance floor said "Allo, my mate over there really likes you, you gonna come over and say hello?" just like teenagers do at school discos, except these two were both 30. Being single at the time and having been raised as a gentleman I graciously accepted the unexpected invitation. The mate did indeed 'really like' me, about 45 minutes and on several subsequent occasions over the following couple of weeks.

I miss English women....

CAFCsayer

Carter said:

So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head

I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway

We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.

I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate

After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.

The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.

At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry

I didn't clock this bit first time around, you dirty bastard! Haha

North Lower Neil

Inspired by the first date thread, any new/unshared before non-first date stories?

JohnBoyUK

OMFG, absolutely PMSL in the office at @Carter's story, I need ventolin otherwise I'm going to have an asthma attack. How the hell did I miss this thread? This is a CL classic

Curb_It

I'm literally howling with tears in my eyes at some of these and I'm only on Page 2. Back later, off to read more... some of the stories and some of the follow up lines.

I'm weeping.

AFKABartram

Carter said:

So, The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.

Missed this thread first time around.

I was literally on the verge of tears of laughter ready my this five mins ago. I don't think there has ever been a more in appropriate time for my son to say "daddy what are you laughing at, mummy what is daddy laughing at" "I don't know, tell him what you are laughing at"

Part of me wanted to say "ok, you've asked for it"!

North Lower Neil

I'm still waiting for more stories from Carter.