I don't know how you view your only offspring, but if there's still some perception of my innocence, then DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER as it's about to be shattered.
You have been warned.
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First and only date with a Welsh girl on Tinder from when I was in my final year of uni. She'd come down from Cardiff to Bristol especially - ergo, she was *definitely* keen. We went for a light lunch, split some wine, and by student standards were living it up.
So on this particular Wednesday afternoon we decided it to be a good idea to go back to mine, at around 3pm, when I knew full well all of my flatmates were home. Oh well - the walls are thin, and we'd all heard it before.
Little was I to know quite how filthy she was. I mean, in the spirit of attempting to ensure fun sexy times were had by all, I was all about communication, and her "well, I'm not *totally* vanilla... [shy giggle]" seemed fair enough - maybe she liked some hair pulling, mild masochistic stuff, I dunno.
How wrong I was.
That sort of stuff would have been great - but instead, while on top she decided to relax. A bit too much. At first I just thought she was very wet...
Then, at the end, she insisted on finishing me off with a bit of hand relief - fine. I was probably still a bit dazed from earlier, but anything to finish the job. So she decides to move El General around like that bloke from Fast and Furious changing gear, the end result being a huge deposit of fluid right on the face.
Not hers. Mine.
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Also, Seth, if you have decided to read this, then now is as good a time as ever to explain why my bed has that weird tilt/is broken -
I banged someone in it a couple of months ago. I'm not even sorry.
Bloody hell Padster. Is there any way I can un-read that? When I drop a catch off your bowling tomorrow due to a sudden guffawing fit, you will only have yourself to blame, mate.
Back in the 80's I had a young lad working for me. I used to tease him on Friday's about what he should be getting up to at the weekend. Eventually he told ne he had met a girl he liked and after awhile that this would be the weekend because her parents were away. On the Monday he told me that he had gone back to her house as expected and things were going to plan but before they moved upstairs he felt the need to lose some weight before he did the deed. She told him where the bathroon was and he went upstairs. He did a huge turd and opened the small window to let the smell out. The turd was stuck and wouldn't flush. In a panic he picked it out and threw it out of the window. He cleaned up and was soon in bed.
In the morning when he woke up, the girl was downstairs making breakfast. Feeling great he went downstairs and joined her in the conservatory. It was then he realised his big mistake.
I did hear a very similar tale from someone else months later so wondered if this was a friend-of-a-friend tale....
Back in the 80's I had a young lad working for me. I used to tease him on Friday's about what he should be getting up to at the weekend. Eventually he told ne he had met a girl he liked and after awhile that this would be the weekend because her parents were away. On the Monday he told me that he had gone back to her house as expected and things were going to plan but before they moved upstairs he felt the need to lose some weight before he did the deed. She told him where the bathroon was and he went upstairs. He did a huge turd and opened the small window to let the smell out. The turd was stuck and wouldn't flush. In a panic he picked it out and threw it out of the window. He cleaned up and was soon in bed.
In the morning when he woke up, the girl was downstairs making breakfast. Feeling great he went downstairs and joined her in the conservatory. It was then he realised his big mistake.
I did hear a very similar tale from someone else months later so wondered if this was a friend-of-a-friend tale....
Bizarrely, @Curb_It mate told us an identical story a couple of weeks ago!
So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head
I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway
We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.
I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate
After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.
The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.
At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry
Close the thread - there is no point continuing any further.
Back in the 80's I had a young lad working for me. I used to tease him on Friday's about what he should be getting up to at the weekend. Eventually he told ne he had met a girl he liked and after awhile that this would be the weekend because her parents were away. On the Monday he told me that he had gone back to her house as expected and things were going to plan but before they moved upstairs he felt the need to lose some weight before he did the deed. She told him where the bathroon was and he went upstairs. He did a huge turd and opened the small window to let the smell out. The turd was stuck and wouldn't flush. In a panic he picked it out and threw it out of the window. He cleaned up and was soon in bed.
In the morning when he woke up, the girl was downstairs making breakfast. Feeling great he went downstairs and joined her in the conservatory. It was then he realised his big mistake.
I did hear a very similar tale from someone else months later so wondered if this was a friend-of-a-friend tale....
Bizarrely, @Curb_It mate told us an identical story a couple of weeks ago!
Really?? Interestingly Cardinal knows both those people very well!
And you came out with my old mates story with the rubber sheets horror story.
I was relaying some of these stories to Ian earlier and I was howling. He dragged up one from his past after a night out in Waves in Thamesmead back in the 80's. Very funny.
Several years BPL (before Premier League), I was in my first proper job just turned 19 and frankly still rather unworldly. Colleague Shaun, fellow trainee surveyor, invited a load of people to his poky house near Albany Park to celebrate his 21st, including the staff of the next door dentist we'd got to know up the pub after work on Fridays. Over the previous few Fridays I'd struck up a warm, if chaste, rapport with a 20something shapely brunette dental hygenist and was delighted to learn she'd be coming along to Shaun's party. TBH Helen should've been well out of my league, four or five years older and more than a bit posh - she was from Bromley after all. Not strictly a 'date' I suppose but we were both definitely going to the same party and hope sprung in my youthful naivety! Saturday evening arrives warm and sunny and the party is in full swing, mostly in the garden. The partners' PA at our firm, Pat, was a slim, wealthy, glamorous 55 year old who made no secret of fancying the arse off Shaun and had essentially promised him an unforgettable birthday. More than old enough to be his mum this was alarming to me at the time. More alarming still was Pat's best mate, Jan, she brought with her to the do. Same age, similar dress sense, not in quite such good shape and after our introduction clearly determined that Pat wouldn't be the only cougar getting her claws into some fresh meat that evening. The horny idiot in me was excited of course but the rest of me firmly held a candle for Helen and didn't want Jan messing things up for me tonight of all nights. Plus I'd never live it down at work. I'd had to politely swerve a couple of Jan's 'advances' through the early part of the evening and so far no sign of Helen or the nurses from the dentists. As was so often the case one or two party goers, completely overdid it very quickly and one curvy blonde had been carried comatose up to Shaun's spare room by about 9pm to sleep off her overindulgence. Helen and her colleagues arrived stylishly late and my evening brightened when she came straight over and sat down with me. Tragically tho she'd turned up absolutely full of a stinking cold. Seems I wasn't barking up the wrong tree, she had dragged herself from her bed of pain, dosed herself up, in the hope of us getting to know each other better. Call me selfish... but I didn't fancy snogging someone as germ-laden and sneezy as she then was. We passed a slightly awkward hour or so in polite/snotty conversation before her mates decided the party was a bust and they were off. "Nevermind, see you next Friday after work?" "Yep see you then." Another hour and 3 consiliatory pints later I'm cornered in the unlit sideway by a well refreshed Jan whispering furiously in my ear about how: "that silly drunk girl from earlier is still passed out in the spare room upstairs smelling of puke, means we can't pop in there for some how'syerfather". Amongst nightmare visions of Jan proposing a knee trembler against the wall, I'm beginning to wonder where the cut off point was between getting drunk enough to focus the beer goggles and so drunk I'd fall down on the job. Pat fortunately retrieved her big horny mate and, Jan gone, the rest of my evening passed without further middle-aged sexual harassment. Being responsible young people I was one of a dozen who brought sleeping bags to crash on the floor and avoid the drinking/driving issue. In the quiet grey hours before dawn I needed a piss so hauled myself up out of my bag and headed upstairs to the bathroom. Duly relieved I return down the stairs to see an unmistakably naked female figure making her way unsteadily down ahead of me and turn into the front room where we overnighters were billeted. Spotting a (my) unattended sleeping bag and unaware of me behind her, she gets in and lays down quite content. Trying not to waken too many others I point out to her that "that's my sleeping bag, where were you sleeping before? I think you've made a mistake and by the way do you realise you're starkers?" Her evident intoxication and the whiff of vomit suggests to me that this is the early evening casualty who had unwittingly saved me from Jan's libidinous intent some hours earlier. "Are you Shaun?" she asks "get in, you're lovely, it'll be lovely" I demure and still well sloshed she promptly nods off snoring gently. I left her to it and got a few hours kip in a vacant armchair. The naked wanderer was the last to wake up Sunday morning and understandably puzzled and then alarmed to find herself nude in an unfamiliar sleeping bag. Having had her clothes returned to her from upstairs, she sheepishly gave me back my property, quietly asking whether we'd done anything last night. I assured her of my good character and we never spoke of it again. Best of all: the indiscretions of neither woman nor my unintended small role therein (stop giggling at the back) ever apparently reached the ears of the recovered Helen the following week. H invited me to her own birthday party later the same month and many more dates ensued - safe to say none quite as memorable nor scary as that night at Shaun's.
What a lightgweight. Not wanting to "snog" a girl because she's got a cold., then turn down a cougar. The drunken girl couldn't give consent so i'll let you off that one.
About 15 years ago me and a couple of mates arranged to go to the Epson derby via charlton supporters club coach. They sat next to eachother and i had to find a spare seat somewhere else which was a result as some young blonde chick was sitting on her own with her dad infront of us. Got chatting and she latched onto me for the whole day and seemed very keen but her dad kept turning round watching us which was abit weird. Anyway after getting there we had a couple of drinks and watched some races before playing tonsil tennis and swapped numbers saying we'd meet up again in the near future. My mate then shouts out 'have you banged it yet' not realising he's standing next to her dad who looks well impressed at this point so pretty much has to drag her away from me.
About a week later after loads of texts which she still seemed very keen we arranged to meet up at a local for some drinks. I smothered myself in aftershave, had all my bests on thinking this was some guaranteed action and went off to meet her with all thoughts of what I was going to do to her running through my head. So I get to the pub early and order a pint, I sit there waiting.. She texts saying she's near. The doors open and I get up to greet her. Oh who's that following behind her? She sheepishly comes over and says hello and then the words 'oh yeah and this is my Boyfriend'. In my head I'm thinking what in the fuckety fuck is this but say hello and shake his hand. All 3 of us sit there for about an hour in this weird awkward silence with the odd few words said before he goes off to the toilet. She then tells me he followed her and wanted to meet me and gave me a hug and on cue he returns with a wtf look on his face. I make my excuses and leave. Proper bizarre! She texts later and wants to meet again but I said I don't think this will work out! I never heard from her again until about 4 years later out of the blue I get a random txt asking how I am and if I want to meet up. When I think about it now I'm not quite sure she was ever the full ticket.
About 15 years ago me and a couple of mates arranged to go to the Epson derby via charlton supporters club coach. They sat next to eachother and i had to find a spare seat somewhere else which was a result as some young blonde chick was sitting on her own with her dad infront of us. Got chatting and she latched onto me for the whole day and seemed very keen but her dad kept turning round watching us which was abit weird. Anyway after getting there we had a couple of drinks and watched some races before playing tonsil tennis and swapped numbers saying we'd meet up again in the near future. My mate then shouts out 'have you banged it yet' not realising he's standing next to her dad who looks well impressed at this point so pretty much has to drag her away from me.
About a week later after loads of texts which she still seemed very keen we arranged to meet up at a local for some drinks. I smothered myself in aftershave, had all my bests on thinking this was some guaranteed action and went off to meet her with all thoughts of what I was going to do to her running through my head. So I get to the pub early and order a pint, I sit there waiting.. She texts saying she's near. The doors open and I get up to greet her. Oh who's that following behind her? She sheepishly comes over and says hello and then the words 'oh yeah and this is my Boyfriend'. In my head I'm thinking what in the fuckety fuck is this but say hello and shake his hand. All 3 of us sit there for about an hour in this weird awkward silence with the odd few words said before he goes off to the toilet. She then tells me he followed her and wanted to meet me and gave me a hug and on cue he returns with a wtf look on his face. I make my excuses and leave. Proper bizarre! She texts later and wants to meet again but I said I don't think this will work out! I never heard from her again until about 4 years later out of the blue I get a random txt asking how I am and if I want to meet up. When I think about it now I'm not quite sure she was ever the full ticket.
About 15 years ago me and a couple of mates arranged to go to the Epson derby via charlton supporters club coach. They sat next to eachother and i had to find a spare seat somewhere else which was a result as some young blonde chick was sitting on her own with her dad infront of us. Got chatting and she latched onto me for the whole day and seemed very keen but her dad kept turning round watching us which was abit weird. Anyway after getting there we had a couple of drinks and watched some races before playing tonsil tennis and swapped numbers saying we'd meet up again in the near future. My mate then shouts out 'have you banged it yet' not realising he's standing next to her dad who looks well impressed at this point so pretty much has to drag her away from me.
About a week later after loads of texts which she still seemed very keen we arranged to meet up at a local for some drinks. I smothered myself in aftershave, had all my bests on thinking this was some guaranteed action and went off to meet her with all thoughts of what I was going to do to her running through my head. So I get to the pub early and order a pint, I sit there waiting.. She texts saying she's near. The doors open and I get up to greet her. Oh who's that following behind her? She sheepishly comes over and says hello and then the words 'oh yeah and this is my Boyfriend'. In my head I'm thinking what in the fuckety fuck is this but say hello and shake his hand. All 3 of us sit there for about an hour in this weird awkward silence with the odd few words said before he goes off to the toilet. She then tells me he followed her and wanted to meet me and gave me a hug and on cue he returns with a wtf look on his face. I make my excuses and leave. Proper bizarre! She texts later and wants to meet again but I said I don't think this will work out! I never heard from her again until about 4 years later out of the blue I get a random txt asking how I am and if I want to meet up. When I think about it now I'm not quite sure she was ever the full ticket.
So I hope four years later you finished the job.
Well when she txt me I was 3 years into a relationship with a now ex so txt back and told her that. I weren't ever one to cheat so declined the offer to meet up. A couple of days later my then current girlfriend went through my phone saw 2 texts from this girl and accused me of cheating! Fecking unbelievable or what!! Because it was a shitty old Nokia with a limited amount of space you had to constantly delete the inbox and outbox to make room. Of course I had only deleted the sent messages so she never saw my reply declining the offer to meet up. Needless to say when we broke up 8 months later she still brought it up that I had cheated. Woman are fucking mental.
I traveled for my oil and gas related work during the 1970/80/90s. I was told this story by a bloke who was working on the same project as me and was never sure if it was true, but he told me seriously. He said he was sitting in the bar reading his newspaper after enjoying a meal in the hotel restaurant when a very attractive lady asked if she could join him. Surprised and pleased that such a nice looking lady wanted to talk. The conversation eventually turned to sex (which made him all the more pleased). She said that bondage and a bit of kinky sex were her 'thing', which although he was fairly straight (sex wise) he was naturally curious. She invited him to her room asking if he would participate in a bit of bondage. Curiosity and lust got the better of him and he followed her to her room. Once inside she produced a couple of lengths of rope and suggested that she first would tie him to the chair. A bit apprehensive he went along with her suggestion and she tied his hands and legs to the chair. When he was secured, she pulled his trousers and pants down exposing his bum. Then the bad bit happens. She left the room and a bloke comes in and - lets say abused his bottom and left. It took the poor bloke a while to free himself from the rope. He said he did not report it to the police because he was to embarrassed and he could hardly sit down for a week!!
I traveled for my oil and gas related work during the 1970/80/90s. I was told this story by a bloke who was working on the same project as me and was never sure if it was true, but he told me seriously. He said he was sitting in the bar reading his newspaper after enjoying a meal in the hotel restaurant when a very attractive lady asked if she could join him. Surprised and pleased that such a nice looking lady wanted to talk. The conversation eventually turned to sex (which made him all the more pleased). She said that bondage and a bit of kinky sex were her 'thing', which although he was fairly straight (sex wise) he was naturally curious. She invited him to her room asking if he would participate in a bit of bondage. Curiosity and lust got the better of him and he followed her to her room. Once inside she produced a couple of lengths of rope and suggested that she first would tie him to the chair. A bit apprehensive he went along with her suggestion and she tied his hands and legs to the chair. When he was secured, she pulled his trousers and pants down exposing his bum. Then the bad bit happens. She left the room and a bloke comes in and - lets say abused his bottom and left. It took the poor bloke a while to free himself from the rope. He said he did not report it to the police because he was to embarrassed and he could hardly sit down for a week!!
I traveled for my oil and gas related work during the 1970/80/90s. I was told this story by a bloke who was working on the same project as me and was never sure if it was true, but he told me seriously. He said he was sitting in the bar reading his newspaper after enjoying a meal in the hotel restaurant when a very attractive lady asked if she could join him. Surprised and pleased that such a nice looking lady wanted to talk. The conversation eventually turned to sex (which made him all the more pleased). She said that bondage and a bit of kinky sex were her 'thing', which although he was fairly straight (sex wise) he was naturally curious. She invited him to her room asking if he would participate in a bit of bondage. Curiosity and lust got the better of him and he followed her to her room. Once inside she produced a couple of lengths of rope and suggested that she first would tie him to the chair. A bit apprehensive he went along with her suggestion and she tied his hands and legs to the chair. When he was secured, she pulled his trousers and pants down exposing his bum. Then the bad bit happens. She left the room and a bloke comes in and - lets say abused his bottom and left. It took the poor bloke a while to free himself from the rope. He said he did not report it to the police because he was to embarrassed and he could hardly sit down for a week!!
See my August 11 post; almost word for word!
Very similar story Pedro. We must have moved in the same circles during the 1980s.
Comments
In the morning when he woke up, the girl was downstairs making breakfast. Feeling great he went downstairs and joined her in the conservatory. It was then he realised his big mistake.
I did hear a very similar tale from someone else months later so wondered if this was a friend-of-a-friend tale....
And you came out with my old mates story with the rubber sheets horror story.
I was relaying some of these stories to Ian earlier and I was howling. He dragged up one from his past after a night out in Waves in Thamesmead back in the 80's. Very funny.
Given me a cracking laugh today.
Anyway after getting there we had a couple of drinks and watched some races before playing tonsil tennis and swapped numbers saying we'd meet up again in the near future. My mate then shouts out 'have you banged it yet' not realising he's standing next to her dad who looks well impressed at this point so pretty much has to drag her away from me.
About a week later after loads of texts which she still seemed very keen we arranged to meet up at a local for some drinks. I smothered myself in aftershave, had all my bests on thinking this was some guaranteed action and went off to meet her with all thoughts of what I was going to do to her running through my head. So I get to the pub early and order a pint, I sit there waiting.. She texts saying she's near. The doors open and I get up to greet her. Oh who's that following behind her? She sheepishly comes over and says hello and then the words 'oh yeah and this is my Boyfriend'. In my head I'm thinking what in the fuckety fuck is this but say hello and shake his hand. All 3 of us sit there for about an hour in this weird awkward silence with the odd few words said before he goes off to the toilet. She then tells me he followed her and wanted to meet me and gave me a hug and on cue he returns with a wtf look on his face. I make my excuses and leave. Proper bizarre!
She texts later and wants to meet again but I said I don't think this will work out!
I never heard from her again until about 4 years later out of the blue I get a random txt asking how I am and if I want to meet up. When I think about it now I'm not quite sure she was ever the full ticket.
I'm wondering if we need to get the paramedics round to his place....
The broken bed bit at the end topped it off.
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/woman-gets-stuck-upside-down-11116860.amp
No idea why she confessed to it!
I was told this story by a bloke who was working on the same project as me and was never sure if it was true, but he told me seriously.
He said he was sitting in the bar reading his newspaper after enjoying a meal in the hotel restaurant when a very attractive lady asked if she could join him.
Surprised and pleased that such a nice looking lady wanted to talk.
The conversation eventually turned to sex (which made him all the more pleased).
She said that bondage and a bit of kinky sex were her 'thing', which although he was fairly straight (sex wise) he was naturally curious.
She invited him to her room asking if he would participate in a bit of bondage.
Curiosity and lust got the better of him and he followed her to her room.
Once inside she produced a couple of lengths of rope and suggested that she first would tie him to the chair.
A bit apprehensive he went along with her suggestion and she tied his hands and legs to the chair.
When he was secured, she pulled his trousers and pants down exposing his bum.
Then the bad bit happens.
She left the room and a bloke comes in and - lets say abused his bottom and left.
It took the poor bloke a while to free himself from the rope.
He said he did not report it to the police because he was to embarrassed and he could hardly sit down for a week!!