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  • gringo
    gringo Posts: 618
    AddicksAddict said:
    A friend worries I don't believe in organised religion.

    But I do.  I believe in it just like I believe in organised crime.

    And I avoid both with equal fervour.
    "Im terribly sorry we must leave now!"
    "but Roger, the dinner party is only just starting..."
  • MrWalker
    MrWalker Posts: 4,136
    A Sultan's wife is called a Sultana, or just his currant wife.
  • soapboxsam
    soapboxsam Posts: 23,237
    MrWalker said:
    A Sultan's wife is called a Sultana, or just his currant wife.


    The Sultana, who can be the currant wife helps with the raisin of children 😀
  • R0TW
    R0TW Posts: 1,681
    gringo said:
    AddicksAddict said:
    A friend worries I don't believe in organised religion.

    But I do.  I believe in it just like I believe in organised crime.

    And I avoid both with equal fervour.
    "Im terribly sorry we must leave now!"
    "but Roger, the dinner party is only just starting..."
    Remember Wembley, we had such a ball.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    I asked a sex worker for a nurse roleplay session and when I got there she threatened to go on strike, harangued me about the state of NHS funding and then fell asleep, exhausted after a 14-hour shift.
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,123
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
  • DaveMehmet
    DaveMehmet Posts: 21,630
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    That’s hardly a banger of a joke mate 
  • Watameire
    Watameire Posts: 51
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    You need Toulouse that obsession 
  • Fumbluff
    Fumbluff Posts: 10,144
    Watameire said:
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    You need Toulouse that obsession 
    Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…
  • Taxi_Lad
    Taxi_Lad Posts: 3,779
    If you want to quickly get rid of your old fridge free of charge just paint a St George’s cross on it and leave it outside….. the council will be straight round to remove it 

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  • LargeAddick
    LargeAddick Posts: 32,644
    Fumbluff said:
    Watameire said:
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    You need Toulouse that obsession 
    Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…
    Surely you’d be banging your head?
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,093
    LargeAddick said:
    Fumbluff said:
    Watameire said:
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    You need Toulouse that obsession 
    Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…
    Surely you’d be banging your head?
    Bangers and smash
  • IdleHans
    IdleHans Posts: 10,992
    Fumbluff said:
    Watameire said:
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    You need Toulouse that obsession 
    Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…
    Wurst one yet
  • jose
    jose Posts: 660
    Just found out I'm colourblind. That came out of the purple.
  • limeygent
    limeygent Posts: 3,217
    After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace - no visitors for six months.
    One day, there’s a knock. A huge bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday at 5. You should come.”
    “Sounds great,” says Tom.
    Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”
    “No problem - I can handle that.”
    “Probably some fightin’, too.”
    “I get along with folks - I’ll be fine.”
    “Maybe some wild sex, too.”
    “Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”
    Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.” 
  • CAFCsayer
    CAFCsayer Posts: 10,240
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    That's the way to do it!
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    Because the platypus lays eggs and produces milk, it’s one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835

  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    Watameire said:
    _MrDick said:
    my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.
    You need Toulouse that obsession 
    Can’t. No time. 
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

    I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

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  • Chizz
    Chizz Posts: 28,352
    AddicksAddict said:
    I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

    I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 
    You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    Chizz said:
    AddicksAddict said:
    I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

    I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 
    You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.
    What?  2/3 of 451 is 300.66. 
  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,390
    AddicksAddict said:
    Chizz said:
    AddicksAddict said:
    I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

    I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 
    You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.
    What?  2/3 of 451 is 300.66. 
    300.67 if you use rounding rather than truncation.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    edited September 4
    thai malaysia addick said:
    AddicksAddict said:
    Chizz said:
    AddicksAddict said:
    I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

    I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 
    You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.
    What?  2/3 of 451 is 300.66. 
    300.67 if you use rounding rather than truncation.
    True, although I was thinking of using 300.666666666666666666666666666666666666, but I ran out of 6s. 
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    Why do the French eat snails?

    Because they don’t like fast food.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835
    Our great-nephew’s maths homework today. 


  • R0TW
    R0TW Posts: 1,681
    Wife walks into the kitchen and finds her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

    Wife: “What are you doing?”
    Husband: “Hunting flies.” 
    Wife: “Oh? Caught any?”
    Husband: “Yep. 3 males, 2 females.”
    Wife: “How on earth can you tell the difference?!”
    Husband: “Easy… 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!”
  • blackpool72
    blackpool72 Posts: 23,728
    Nigel says to his mum I've got the biggest Dick in the nursery,  is it because I come from Croydon and I'm  special. 

    Mum says  no you retard it's because you are 28 , now eat your spaghetti hoops and try not to spill any on your Palace shirt.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,835

  • jose
    jose Posts: 660
    So I went to a restaurant and the waiter said, "I’m really sorry but we are so busy tonight; Would you mind waiting for a bit?" I said, "No problem." He said, "Good, take these drinks to table 7."

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