Now I know the man's a bit like Marmite, but quite a few of these had me laughing.
Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"
Clarkson’s highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i."
"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because
they don't have wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do what ebola does to you in 10 days!"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban
prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory."
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was
on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
"you can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I wont go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis
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Comments
Test driving an AMG'd SL or similar- he tested the stopping distance (which if memory was about 40% of the Highway code figure) from 100 mph and said his face hurt as he stopped because his cheeks wanted to carry on at 100mph...
OK, it was funny at the time. :-)
Still better than any of the three they have on Top Gear at the moment and Clarkson's Farm is very funny and looking forward to Season 2.
A small story from when he was comparing a TVR and a Porsche. He preferred the Porsche, of course, and bemoaned TVR's reliability issues. What he didn't mention was that the porker's clutch disintegrated trying but failing to get anywhere near the TVR's 0-60 time and it had to be pushed back into the studio. But all the big twat could mention was that a switch had fallen off the TVR. (He pulled it off and it was designed to do that.)
He's not a very good driver either.
The documentary was edited in detail to try to paint a picture of the couple being victims of life.
The truth is, they are both unhappy, bitter and angry.
They have a mutual unhealthy mentality shared between them.
They're not stupid buy they are boring
Plus this has been posted in the jokes and fun section so all lighthearted
What's also worrying is how an editor has read that and thought it was ok to publish.