Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs, they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says, "Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs."
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out.
Ten minutes go by, then an hour, and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to the hospital.
On arrival, he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, "So what was he doing then, cannabis?"
"Well sort of," replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff."
"Oh," says the doctor, "so what did you put in it?"
"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other spices," comes the reply.
The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it. He'll be here for 3 weeks before he wakes up."
"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks one of the men.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, The structure of the wall was incorrect, So he won two grand with Claims Direct.
It's raining, it's pouring. Oh shit, it's global warming.
Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead, Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies you dickhead."
Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon, 10,000 volts went up its arse, And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white and wispy, It caught foot and mouth disease, And now it's black and crispy.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, The structure of the wall was incorrect, So he won two grand with Claims Direct.
It's raining, it's pouring. Oh shit, it's global warming.
Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead, Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies you dickhead."
Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon, 10,000 volts went up its arse, And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white and wispy, It caught foot and mouth disease, And now it's black and crispy.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, The structure of the wall was incorrect, So he won two grand with Claims Direct.
It's raining, it's pouring. Oh shit, it's global warming.
Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead, Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies you dickhead."
Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon, 10,000 volts went up its arse, And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white and wispy, It caught foot and mouth disease, And now it's black and crispy.
Hush, hush, Nobody cares Christopher Robin Has fallen downstairs
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, The structure of the wall was incorrect, So he won two grand with Claims Direct.
It's raining, it's pouring. Oh shit, it's global warming.
Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead, Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies you dickhead."
Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon, 10,000 volts went up its arse, And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white and wispy, It caught foot and mouth disease, And now it's black and crispy.
I wonder how many of you know that Humpty Dumpty was in fact the name of a cannon used during the Civil War in the mid 1600’s. Somewhere in Colchester it was placed on a castle or fortress wall and either the wall collapsed or somehow the cannon simply fell off......possibly on an occasion when it was fired, which is quite likely. Evidently it was irreparable, despite vain efforts to put it back into commission. Not a lot of people know that.😎
I wonder how many of you know that Humpty Dumpty was in fact the name of a cannon used during the Civil War in the mid 1600’s. Somewhere in Colchester it was placed on a castle or fortress wall and either the wall collapsed or somehow the cannon simply fell off......possibly on an occasion when it was fired, which is quite likely. Evidently it was irreparable, despite vain efforts to put it back into commission. Not a lot of people know that.😎
I wonder how many of you know that Humpty Dumpty was in fact the name of a cannon used during the Civil War in the mid 1600’s. Somewhere in Colchester it was placed on a castle or fortress wall and either the wall collapsed or somehow the cannon simply fell off......possibly on an occasion when it was fired, which is quite likely. Evidently it was irreparable, despite vain efforts to put it back into commission. Not a lot of people know that.😎
"In fact". Umm, not so sure about that. Many years ago I worked on a building project in Gloucester. For a while we had archaeologists on site looking for civil war artefacts and battle sites. They told me that Humpty was a siege machine attacking the walls of Gloucester which got bogged down in the marshy ground. "Sat on the wall" meaning attacking it.
I'm aware of the Colchester claim but I don't think anyone knows the truth of the matter.
BTW all the archaeologists found was some Roman cess. So I have actually held Roman poo in my hands. Lovely.
Comments
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?
''No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs, they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says, "Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs."
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out.
Ten minutes go by, then an hour, and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to the hospital.
On arrival, he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, "So what was he doing then, cannabis?"
"Well sort of," replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff."
"Oh," says the doctor, "so what did you put in it?"
"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other spices," comes the reply.
The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it. He'll be here for 3 weeks before he wakes up."
"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks one of the men.
The doctor replies, "He's in a korma!"
The scene: a veterinary surgery in Stockholm
Customer: Hello
Vet: Hello
Customer: My cat is not very well
Vet: Oh dear. Is it a tom?
Customer: No, I thought it best I brought him with me
A: A dog. Dogs love meat.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
The structure of the wall was incorrect,
So he won two grand with Claims Direct.
It's raining, it's pouring.
Oh shit, it's global warming.
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead,
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies you dickhead."
Mary had a little lamb,
It ran into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up its arse,
And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white and wispy,
It caught foot and mouth disease,
And now it's black and crispy.
Nobody cares
Christopher Robin
Has fallen downstairs
Was split along both sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another dress
Was split right down the front
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her walking backwards
Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
In his bollocks he’d been kneed
Harking back to the good ol’ days
Bring back Jimmy Seed
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
The structure of the wall was incorrect,
So he won two grand with Claims Direct.
It's raining, it's pouring.
Oh shit, it's global warming.
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead,
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies you dickhead."
Mary had a little lamb,
It ran into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up its arse,
And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white and wispy,
It caught foot and mouth disease,
And now it's black and crispy.
It gave him naughty urges,
So he tied it to a five-bar gate
And shot it in the purges!
(Attila the Stockbroker)
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
She also had a bear.
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bare.
Violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme
And others don't.
Violets are blue.
Some poems scan
And some people try to get as many words as possible into the last line.
it died this time last year
she took it down to Brighton
And chucked it off the pier
Mary had a little pig
it wouldn’t stop a-gruntin
she took it out the garden gate
and kicked its fcukin.......head in.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
had scrambled eggs with their morning sausages
Simple Simon met a Pieman going to the fair
said Simple Simon to the pieman what have you got there?
pies you prick.
cos he has a square arse.
.
Have started to play snap
”We cannt be
In Division Three
Playing all this crap”
Somewhere in Colchester it was placed on a castle or fortress wall and either the wall collapsed or somehow the cannon simply fell off......possibly on an occasion when it was fired, which is quite likely.
Evidently it was irreparable, despite vain efforts to put it back into commission.
Not a lot of people know that.😎
I'm aware of the Colchester claim but I don't think anyone knows the truth of the matter.
BTW all the archaeologists found was some Roman cess. So I have actually held Roman poo in my hands. Lovely.