So I was in my car on the way back from Kwik Fit, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're Chief Executive.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a golden retriever, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and yesterday when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
Two eskimos sitting in a kayak. Both were chilly so they decided to light a fire. Naturally the kayak caught alight thus proving once and for all .. you can’t have your kayak and heat it
Two eskimos sitting in a kayak. Both were chilly so they decided to light a fire. Naturally the kayak caught alight thus proving once and for all .. you can’t have your kayak and heat it
Originally crafted by the magnificent Tommy Cooper.
Fire Services were called out earlier today to Aldwych House, scene of the Post Office/Horizon inquiry amid reports of fire. A Fire Service commander later confirmed that there was no fire just a lingering smell of burning underwear around the witness box area.
When I got some petrol the other day, I witnessed something shocking. The sleeve of the man at the next pump caught fire. As it happened, a police car was passing by. Four police jumped out of the car, patted out the flames and then pushed him to the ground with hands behind his back. He was arrested for having an illegal firearm.
Fire Services were called out earlier today to Aldwych House, scene of the Post Office/Horizon inquiry amid reports of fire. A Fire Service commander later confirmed that there was no fire just a lingering smell of burning underwear around the witness box area.
Fire Services were called out earlier today to Aldwych House, scene of the Post Office/Horizon inquiry amid reports of fire. A Fire Service commander later confirmed that there was no fire just a lingering smell of burning underwear around the witness box area.
eh ?
I think the point is Angela van den Bogerd Is a liar liar pants on fire
I went to a lovely little pub up in the hills in Yorkshire. I wanted to remember the visit so I brought some souvenirs home with me. I got a beermat, a stirrer, a glass, a box of matches and a few serviettes!
Comments
I suppose it could be for anybody who has a triangular cock.
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a golden retriever, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and yesterday when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
"No, just to get my nails clipped!"
Hmm, that would be popular.
That's not how I heard it
He gave no indication he was leaving.
I got a beermat, a stirrer, a glass, a box of matches and a few serviettes!
It’s a load of Ilkley Moor bar tat ...