Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger was asked his opinion of Invercargill, southernmost city of NZ’s South Island. He described it as “the arsehole of the world”.
The quick-witted interviewer promptly followed with -
He's surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says:
"Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours."
The nurse hears all of this and is impressed at the man's sizeable fortune. She turns to the wife and says, "Ma'am, your husband must be very rich to be bequeathing so many properties. You all are so lucky."
The wife retorts, "Rich? Lucky? Are you kidding me? He's a milkman. He's giving us his routes."
an englishman, a welshman, and a pakistani are sitting in the waiting room in the maternity wing, its the first time for each of them. anyway, a short time later the doctor comes in and said congratulations, you're all fathers but there been a mix up and we cant be sure which baby belong to which father. the englishman say "dont worry doc, we'll sort it out ourself" he then gets up and walks into the maternity ward, after a short wait he come back out holding what is clearly a pakistani baby. the pakistani bloke gets up and says "oi mate, that clearly a pakistani baby so is mine" "fuck off", says the english bloke, "im having this one as one of those fuckers in there is welsh"
Yesterday I saw Rishi Sunak standing by his helicopter, he looked really gloomy. I asked him what was wrong, and he said “the rotor blades are broken so we can’t fly back to Downing Street. I’m not happy”
I replied, “Well, which one of them are you then?”
A labrador, German shepherd dog, and cat die and go to heaven. God asks them to justify entering his kingdom. The labrador says, "I was a seeing eye dog for 8 years I looked after and guided my blind owner, I died pushing her out of the way from an out of control car which hit me" "Come you have earned the right to sit at my right hand", says God "I was a service dog too", says the German shepherd, "I was a police dog, I served my human partner well for 5 years and died protecting him from a gunman." "You may sit at my left hand for your bravery and sacrifice" God turns to the cat "Get your arse out of my chair", says the cat.
Michael was impressed with the chain saw advert, 'Easily cut down 40 trees a day!'
After purchasing he struggled to get past 20 trees a day and took it back to the store. The store keeper was most surprised, he said, 'this is our best model, let's take a look' ... he pulled the rip cord and Michael jumped back ... "What's that noise?"
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet, discussing
why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They
took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help
myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down."
The other
two dogs nodded sympathetically, then the second, a Labrador, explained his
situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the lounge room, and
it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came.
Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all
over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the
mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep."
The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German
Shepherd, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and yesterday when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I
jumped on and had the ride of my life."
The other dogs simultaneously asked: "So you're here to be put down too?".
Fella on a Beano with his pals gets totally slaughtered and toward the end of the night throws up in the middle of the bar all down his brand new expensive shirt. "What am I going to do?!!" He says to his pals. "My wife bought me this shirt.She's going to go f******g mental when she sees sick all over it!" "Don't worry" says one of his mates. " Say it was someone else. Say you were walking through the bar and some bloke threw up all over your shirt as you walked past. Say he offered to pay for the cleaning and put money in the shirt pocket to cover it..Here, I' m putting £20 in there now" said his ever loyal friend. *Brilliant!" Says the fella as he starts heading off on the long walk home. He finally gets through his front door and there waiting on the stairs is his wife. She hits the roof when she sees the vomit all over his expensive shirt. But the fella explains what happened and how the bloke who did it put £20 in the shirt pocket to pay for the damage. His wife reaches into the pocket. "Hold on." she says "There's £40 in there??"
The fella says " Oh yeah..He also shit in my pants."
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Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger was asked his opinion of Invercargill, southernmost city of NZ’s South Island. He described it as “the arsehole of the world”.
The quick-witted interviewer promptly followed with -
“And, Mr Jagger, are you just passing through”
He's surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says:
"Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours."
The nurse hears all of this and is impressed at the man's sizeable fortune. She turns to the wife and says, "Ma'am, your husband must be very rich to be bequeathing so many properties. You all are so lucky."
The wife retorts, "Rich? Lucky? Are you kidding me? He's a milkman. He's giving us his routes."
its the first time for each of them.
anyway, a short time later the doctor comes in and said congratulations, you're all fathers but there been a mix up and we cant be sure which baby belong to which father.
the englishman say "dont worry doc, we'll sort it out ourself"
he then gets up and walks into the maternity ward, after a short wait he come back out holding what is clearly a pakistani baby.
the pakistani bloke gets up and says "oi mate, that clearly a pakistani baby so is mine"
"fuck off", says the english bloke, "im having this one as one of those fuckers in there is welsh"
Lacked the element of surprise.
I replied, “Well, which one of them are you then?”
The labrador says, "I was a seeing eye dog for 8 years I looked after and guided my blind owner, I died pushing her out of the way from an out of control car which hit me"
"Come you have earned the right to sit at my right hand", says God
"I was a service dog too", says the German shepherd, "I was a police dog, I served my human partner well for 5 years and died protecting him from a gunman."
"You may sit at my left hand for your bravery and sacrifice"
God turns to the cat
"Get your arse out of my chair", says the cat.
This joke is not safe for Nathan Jones
I said to my mate “that lizard’s amazing “ to which he replied: “he’s not a lizard, he’s a stand up chameleon.”
After purchasing he struggled to get past 20 trees a day and took it back to the store. The store keeper was most surprised, he said, 'this is our best model, let's take a look' ... he pulled the rip cord and Michael jumped back ... "What's that noise?"
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down."
The other two dogs nodded sympathetically, then the second, a Labrador, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the lounge room, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep."
The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepherd, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and yesterday when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life."
The other dogs simultaneously asked: "So you're here to be put down too?".
The German Shepherd shook his head.
"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
"What am I going to do?!!" He says to his pals. "My wife bought me this shirt.She's going to go f******g mental when she sees sick all over it!"
"Don't worry" says one of his mates. " Say it was someone else. Say you were walking through the bar and some bloke threw up all over your shirt as you walked past. Say he offered to pay for the cleaning and put money in the shirt pocket to cover it..Here, I' m putting £20 in there now" said his ever loyal friend.
*Brilliant!" Says the fella as he starts heading off on the long walk home.
He finally gets through his front door and there waiting on the stairs is his wife. She hits the roof when she sees the vomit all over his expensive shirt. But the fella explains what happened and how the bloke who did it put £20 in the shirt pocket to pay for the damage.
His wife reaches into the pocket. "Hold on." she says "There's £40 in there??"
The fella says " Oh yeah..He also shit in my pants."