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Jokes..

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    seth plum said:
    What is a Bigamist?

    Heavy fog over Italy.

    Somebody with two mothers-in-law.
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    _MrDick said:
    I wish I hadn't changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.
    Took me 20 minutes to get out of bed.

    Gold!

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    Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
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    My cat asked me last night how many more sleeps before Santa comes. I said in your case about 43.


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    When I told my doctor I kept hearing voices coming from my pants, he said don't listen to them they're talking bollocks.
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    Is anyone up for going to the Anthony Joshua fight in Saudi Arabia in a private jet? I’m looking for 2 people to join us. Leave Friday from London, fly to Saudi, have dinner, watch the fight, stay for the night then fly home.

    DM if interested. Preferably someone with a private jet and tickets or we can’t go.
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    Please don’t drink and drive over the holiday period. Especially as my team and I can help, and make sure your evening finishes without mishap.

    If you give us at least two days’ notice, we can arrive where you’re having your event, and do the drinking for you. You can then drive home safely.
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    edited January 15
    Not sure if this is a joke or an alleged true story but it made me chuckle when I heard it.

    A bloke takes his dog for a walk every day and lets it shit outside this blokes house and leaves it there. The bloke in the house is getting very annoyed with this so he collects the dog shit in a brown paper bag every day and at the end of the week he follows the bloke home.  He waits for him to go inside and places the bag of shit by the front door, sets light to it and rings the doorbell.  The dog owner opens the door sees the bag alight and starts stamping all over it. :)
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    Not sure if this is a joke or an alleged true story but it made me chuckle when I heard it.

    A bloke takes his dog for a walk every day and lets it shit outside this blokes house and leaves it there. The bloke in the house is getting very annoyed with this so he collects the dog shit in a brown paper bag every day and at the end of the week he follows the bloke home.  He waits for him to go inside and places the bag of shit by the front door, sets light to it and rings the doorbell.  The dog owner opens the door sees the bag alight and starts stamping all over it. :)
    I think its a true story, I certainly read it before in a newspaper, the Viz I think it was.
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    Hal1x said:
    Not sure if this is a joke or an alleged true story but it made me chuckle when I heard it.

    A bloke takes his dog for a walk every day and lets it shit outside this blokes house and leaves it there. The bloke in the house is getting very annoyed with this so he collects the dog shit in a brown paper bag every day and at the end of the week he follows the bloke home.  He waits for him to go inside and places the bag of shit by the front door, sets light to it and rings the doorbell.  The dog owner opens the door sees the bag alight and starts stamping all over it. :)
    I think its a true story, I certainly read it before in a newspaper, the Viz I think it was.

    Viz! Newspaper? You got me there. ;)

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    Not sure if this is a joke or an alleged true story but it made me chuckle when I heard it.

    A bloke takes his dog for a walk every day and lets it shit outside this blokes house and leaves it there. The bloke in the house is getting very annoyed with this so he collects the dog shit in a brown paper bag every day and at the end of the week he follows the bloke home.  He waits for him to go inside and places the bag of shit by the front door, sets light to it and rings the doorbell.  The dog owner opens the door sees the bag alight and starts stamping all over it. :)
    Definitely true. We used to do it on our estate
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    11 clockwork clowns for sale. Ring 020 8333 4000.
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    A guy has been tasked with getting his daughter a birthday present.

    He goes into the toy store and asks what kind of Barbie dolls they have.  The sales assistant says we have Malibu Barbie for £19.99, Pilot Barbie for £19.99, Mermaid Barbie for £19.99, Astronaut Barbie for £19.99, Marine Biologist Barbie for £19.99 and Divorced Barbie for £365.95.

    Shocked, the guy asks why Divorced Barbie is so much compared with the others.  The sales assistant rolls her eyes and says well Sir, it's because she comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's Harley, Ken's computer, oh, and one of Ken's friends.
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