Went to get my hair cut today only to find that the barbers had been broken into and everything had been stolen except the combs and Durex. Police are looking for bald headed Roman Catholic.
A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, "What's with the guy with the big orange head?"
The bartender chuckles. "Yeah," he says, "That's a helluva story, alright. Why don't you go buy him a drink, and maybe he'll tell you about it."
So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and offers to buy him a beer. The guy with the orange head says, "Let me guess. You want to hear about the head?"
The first guy says, "Well, yeah. If you don't mind."
The man with the orange head says, "Alright. Lord knows I've run it over in my mind a million times, anyway. So, it's like this: One day, I was walking along a beach, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there, sticking out of the sand, was an antique lamp. So I picked it up and brushed away some of the sand, when a big cloud of blue smoke erupted from it. When the smoke cleared, a genie was standing there. And this genie said to me, 'Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. For doing this, I will grant you two wishes.'
"So, I think, wow, okay. And I do what many people would. For my first wish, I wish to be fantastically wealthy. So the genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly I'm covered in jewels. Hundreds of necklaces, three rings per finger, a crown on my head, and a chest full of gold next to me besides all that."
At this point in the story, the first man is in amazement. He just can't believe what he's hearing. Eager to hear the rest, he says, "So what was your second wish?"
The man with the orange head slowly takes a sip of his beer. He puts it down, and says, "You know. This may be where I went wrong... I wished for a big orange head."
Man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it's the end of him.
He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it's now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured.
Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again.
He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.
Boris Johnson walks into a bank. He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
Boris: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
Boris: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
Boris: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
Boris Johnson walks into a bank. He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
Boris: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
Boris: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
Boris: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
Posted that one a few weeks ago except it was Ole Gunnar Solskaer
Boris Johnson walks into a bank. He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
Boris: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
Boris: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
Boris: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
Posted that one a few weeks ago except it was Ole Gunnar Solskaer
Boris Johnson walks into a bank. He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
Boris: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
Boris: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
Boris: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
Posted that one a few weeks ago except it was Ole Gunnar Solskaer
Comments
Because its next week!
(necks weak)
Would never be in a cracker as its only told the week before Christmas!
A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, "What's with the guy with the big orange head?"
The bartender chuckles. "Yeah," he says, "That's a helluva story, alright. Why don't you go buy him a drink, and maybe he'll tell you about it."
So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and offers to buy him a beer. The guy with the orange head says, "Let me guess. You want to hear about the head?"
The first guy says, "Well, yeah. If you don't mind."
The man with the orange head says, "Alright. Lord knows I've run it over in my mind a million times, anyway. So, it's like this: One day, I was walking along a beach, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there, sticking out of the sand, was an antique lamp. So I picked it up and brushed away some of the sand, when a big cloud of blue smoke erupted from it. When the smoke cleared, a genie was standing there. And this genie said to me, 'Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. For doing this, I will grant you two wishes.'
"So, I think, wow, okay. And I do what many people would. For my first wish, I wish to be fantastically wealthy. So the genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly I'm covered in jewels. Hundreds of necklaces, three rings per finger, a crown on my head, and a chest full of gold next to me besides all that."
At this point in the story, the first man is in amazement. He just can't believe what he's hearing. Eager to hear the rest, he says, "So what was your second wish?"
The man with the orange head slowly takes a sip of his beer. He puts it down, and says, "You know. This may be where I went wrong... I wished for a big orange head."
Man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it's the end of him.
He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it's now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured.
Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again.
He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.
Boris Johnson walks into a bank. He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
Boris: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
Boris: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
Boris: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
The man in the iron mask.
I should have known better 😩
....ticket inspectors
The AA man.
Christmas Cracker Joke …
Why are there only 25 letters in the Alphabet …
Because there is Noel