One of my team has just told me that the reason he is currently off work with an ACL injury that requires reconstructive surgery is that whilst having an 'intimate' moment with his wife, he slipped whilst jumping off a bedside cabinet pretending to be Spiderman.
I've told him I'm posting this here as it's either the most elaborate sickie someone has ever pulled or he deserves further humiliation.
One of my team has just told me that the reason he is currently off work with an ACL injury that requires reconstructive surgery is that whilst having an 'intimate' moment with his wife, he slipped whilst jumping off a bedside cabinet pretending to be Spiderman.
I've told him I'm posting this here as it's either the most elaborate sickie someone has ever pulled or he deserves further humiliation.
Wife's friend of mine once went on a first date with a bloke and the next day she had a black eye. My wife thought he'd hit her or worse, but no, turns out, she'd had a very good night indeed and had fallen off the bed and smashed it on the cabinet whilst being given the time of her life. She ended up going out with that bloke for about five years.
One of my team has just told me that the reason he is currently off work with an ACL injury that requires reconstructive surgery is that whilst having an 'intimate' moment with his wife, he slipped whilst jumping off a bedside cabinet pretending to be Spiderman.
I've told him I'm posting this here as it's either the most elaborate sickie someone has ever pulled or he deserves further humiliation.
Wife's friend of mine once went on a first date with a bloke and the next day she had a black eye. My wife thought he'd hit her or worse, but no, turns out, she'd had a very good night indeed and had fallen off the bed and smashed it on the cabinet whilst being given the time of her life. She ended up going out with that bloke for about five years.
5 Years? I bet she looked like Peter Beardsley by the time he finished with her......
If "colleague" can be extended to sports team-mate, then I will tell you about someone I played cricket with for twenty years called Steve.
Steve was a brilliant wicket-keeper batsman about twenty years before I knew him. But, by the time I had been introduced to him, booze, fags and an odd diet had put paid to any sporting prowess. In fact, he was usually only picked to make the rest of the team look better.
For a while, Steve lived in Brighton and worked in Victoria. So he had a simple train journey home every night. Things didn't always go to plan, however. One night, after too many beers, he got the Brighton train from Victoria, but fell into a deep sleep. He woke up several hours later, surrounded by commuters, just as the train was pulling in to Victoria. He got out of the train and walked to work.
He used to eat a lot of curry. Typically, he would buy a chicken phall somewhere in Victoria, take it home on the train, eat half of it that night when he got home, stick it in the fridge and have the rest for breakfast the next morning. One day, he went through this routine, bought the curry, got on the train, put the curry on the overhead luggage rack and sat opposite it. A man - specifically a bald man - got on, sat opposite him (under the curry) and promptly fell asleep. Steve fell asleep too, but woke up before the bald passenger and looked up at his curry to check it was ok. It wasn't. It had slipped out of the bag, the lid had come off and chicken phall was now dripping down the wall of the train carriage from the bag and onto the bald head of the bloke opposite him. An unguent, gooey, pungent gloop, smothering the bald stranger's pate. Steve got up, changed carriages, and went hungry that night.
One night, in Brighton, Steve was mugged. The mugger told him to give him any cash he had. Steve - absolutely pissed at this time - said he didn't have any, but would he accept a cheque? The bloke agreed. So Steve wrote him a cheque. Then, as he didn't have a cheque card, wrote his address on the back.
He umpired a game of cricket once, at Bexleyheath (or is it Bexley? The ground next to Welling Utd, anyway). The opening bowler bowled his first delivery and Steve signalled a no-ball. The bowler asked him whether it was for his front foot or back foot, so he could make adjustments on his next delivery. Steve told him it wasn't because of his feet, it was because the bowler hadn't told him he was bowling "right arm over". The bowler got the hump and bowled a vicious bouncer next ball. Steve gave another no-ball. "What was THAT for?" he said. "You still haven't told me".
He got fined for a minor financial misdemeanour. The judge handed down the fine - £500. "That's ok" said Steve, "is a pound a year ok?"
A mutual friend - Pete - got a visit from the police looking for Steve once. They explained why they were looking for him - something "unusual" had happened with one of the companies Steve owned. Pete said he was sorry, but didn't know where Steve was. The police said that's ok, because they were after him - Pete - too. "Why?" "Because you're the Company Secretary". Steve had set up a limited company and put Pete down as Company Secretary, without bothering to tell him.
Lovely man. Sadly missed. RIP Steve.
I learned tonight that Pete - who, like Steve, was a Charlton fan - passed away yesterday. Rest in peace, Pete.
Not something they done but something that happened.
Friend at work aged about 18 or 19 and family were over his mums for weekly Sunday dinner. Food eaten they all retired to the living room. Back In the day they used to have the eastenders omnibus on a Sunday afternoon and blokes nan insisted on watching. My mate dozed off and woke up a bit later to find everyone looking at him. Turns out that whilst dozing on the sofa and sitting between his Nan and auntie he had a wet dream and made some very strange noises and movements.
Several years ago a colleague of mimr was selling his mobile phone and as I needed a new I bought it. When I got it charged up amd was looking at all the features I found out that he had neglected to delete the videos. So I had the pleasure of watching 4 videos of his wife giving him a very vigorous bj! Sice that day I‘ve had problems lookimg her in the eyes when we meet!
Several years ago a colleague of mimr was selling his mobile phone and as I needed a new I bought it. When I got it charged up amd was looking at all the features I found out that he had neglected to delete the videos. So I had the pleasure of watching 4 videos of his wife giving him a very vigorous bj! Sice that day I‘ve had problems lookimg her in the eyes when we meet!
Noticed you didn't stop watching after the 1st one.
Several years ago a colleague of mimr was selling his mobile phone and as I needed a new I bought it. When I got it charged up amd was looking at all the features I found out that he had neglected to delete the videos. So I had the pleasure of watching 4 videos of his wife giving him a very vigorous bj! Sice that day I‘ve had problems lookimg her in the eyes when we meet!
Several years ago a colleague of mimr was selling his mobile phone and as I needed a new I bought it. When I got it charged up amd was looking at all the features I found out that he had neglected to delete the videos. So I had the pleasure of watching 4 videos of his wife giving him a very vigorous bj! Sice that day I‘ve had problems lookimg her in the eyes when we meet!
also your spelling has gone to pot
I would imagine its because he is only using one hand to type.
Colleague said he could sing to a high standard through his arse. No one believed him til the Christmas party. Stood on my desk and shat all over it. Everyone shouted what the hell did you do that for?
Worked in an office a few years ago where at various times they found piss in the sink (plug in), a sh*t in a urinal, sh*t on tge partitioning between cubicles, and a porn mag inside a zip lock bag inside the cistern.
It all mysteriously stopped when IT moved externally, so there were your suspects!
Haha...had a similar problem at a publishing company I used to work for in Southwark. We had lovely offices and the khazis were immaculate. I always went to the main bogs when in need, but there was a single cubicle on each floor by the fire escape too, which was close to our bank of desks. So, if you were feeling lazy you'd use them too. However, stories started to circulate of people (they were unisex, so could have been a man or a woman) shitting on the floor and leaving it for someone to find, the "phantom shitter", as he/she became known. Why would you do such a thing?! As far as im aware nobody was brough to justice haha!
Worked in an office a few years ago where at various times they found piss in the sink (plug in), a sh*t in a urinal, sh*t on tge partitioning between cubicles, and a porn mag inside a zip lock bag inside the cistern.
It all mysteriously stopped when IT moved externally, so there were your suspects!
Haha...had a similar problem at a publishing company I used to work for in Southwark. We had lovely offices and the khazis were immaculate. I always went to the main bogs when in need, but there was a single cubicle on each floor by the fire escape too, which was close to our bank of desks. So, if you were feeling lazy you'd use them too. However, stories started to circulate of people (they were unisex, so could have been a man or a woman) shitting on the floor and leaving it for someone to find, the "phantom shitter", as he/she became known. Why would you do such a thing?! As far as im aware nobody was brough to justice haha!
A woman hovering and missed ? I know someone who did that and shit in their tights :-)
Worked in an office a few years ago where at various times they found piss in the sink (plug in), a sh*t in a urinal, sh*t on tge partitioning between cubicles, and a porn mag inside a zip lock bag inside the cistern.
It all mysteriously stopped when IT moved externally, so there were your suspects!
Haha...had a similar problem at a publishing company I used to work for in Southwark. We had lovely offices and the khazis were immaculate. I always went to the main bogs when in need, but there was a single cubicle on each floor by the fire escape too, which was close to our bank of desks. So, if you were feeling lazy you'd use them too. However, stories started to circulate of people (they were unisex, so could have been a man or a woman) shitting on the floor and leaving it for someone to find, the "phantom shitter", as he/she became known. Why would you do such a thing?! As far as im aware nobody was brough to justice haha!
A woman hovering and missed ? I know someone who did that and shit in their tights :-)
Oh my! From what i heard this was more of a deliberate "dirty protest" rather than a hovering accident....hahaha!
Many moons ago before my proper career I worked on various building projects. On this occasion I was on full scaffolding at the rear of a house working on repointing the brickwork. Quite slow a labour intensive work. Sitting on the scaffold boards slowly working aling the house. From day one all I could smell was shit. I assumed it was because I was up near the stench pipe outlet. After abiut a week of this I discovered that a workmate had crapped in a bucket and was hanging it under where I was working and moving it as I moved. Bastard.
Although my story is not a weird thing that a colleague done, it is a great story about a colleague.
In 1983 I was sharing an office with an Irish guy who was married and living in the ground floor flat at 23 Cranley Gardens, Muswell Hill, North London.
For a couple of weeks he had been coming into work and complaining about the drains in the building. The problem was that there were three flats in the block and no resident was taking responsibility for the problem.
A week or so later his wife rang him at work and told him that raw sewage and foul smelling water was lifting the inspection cover on the drain down their side path, directly underneath their window. Jim told her to get Dyno Rod or a plumber out to sort the problem, and he would speak to the other residents that evening regarding the bill.
His wife rang him back that a plumber would be coming, but it wouldn’t be to the end of the day. As it was winter and it got dark by 4.30pm the plumber told her he might not be able to clear the blockage until the next day.
The next day Jim comes in to work to tell me that the drains were still blocked, and the plumbers were coming back that morning to sort the problem, however something really weird happened last night.
About 1.30am he heard a noise down his side path and he could hear the Inspection Cover of the drain being lifted. He said that Dennis a guy living in the top floor flat had gone out in middle of the night and had looked down the manhole with a torch. Is that bizarre or what?
The next day was unbelievable.
The first phone call from his wife, she says that the plumbers had arrived. They started clearing the blockage and that they had found some strange items down the drain.
Remember this was before mobile phones, the plumber asks Jim’s wife to call the police and ask for a police car to be sent to the property. Jim asked what strange items have they found and his wife say’s the plumbers think they are human remains.
The second phone call. The police arrive; they also believe the items are probably human.
The third phone call. The police have arrived on mass. They have cordoned off the house and are searching all three properties within the building.
The fourth phone call. The police searched Jim’s flat, and the flat on the middle floor.
The police then told Jim’s wife that when they searched Dennis Nilsen’s flat on the top floor they found human remains stored in the flat.
That evening when I left work it was headlines in the Evening News and Standard, and the main item on the BBC and ITV News.
My colleague had been friends and a neighbour of Dennis Nielsen. The serial killer who killed between 12 and 18 men.
There were a couple of footnotes to this story.
As I have already mentioned this was before mobile phones. The following day Jim is back at work and he says, that evening there had been a knock on the door from an American TV News company. They had offered Jim and his wife £1,000 to allow them to be based in their flat, to let them have use of their telephone, and for Jim’s wife to keep them supplied with hot drinks and sandwiches throughout the day.
We were both earning about £175 per week at the time so this was a lot of money. Jim turned this offer down and said that he wasn’t interested. The house next door accepted the offer.
Jim, and Dennis Nilsen both owned dogs. Some evening they would walk their dogs together.
When the police broke into Nilsen’s flat they found his dog. Jim’s wife offered to look after the dog, which the police agreed to.
After a couple of weeks the police turned up and removed the dog. They told them that Nilsen had been feeding the dog human flesh (presumably he admitted this) and Jim said that the dog was going to be put down.
Anyone see Des on ITV last night? Brought back memories of this post!
Although my story is not a weird thing that a colleague done, it is a great story about a colleague.
In 1983 I was sharing an office with an Irish guy who was married and living in the ground floor flat at 23 Cranley Gardens, Muswell Hill, North London.
For a couple of weeks he had been coming into work and complaining about the drains in the building. The problem was that there were three flats in the block and no resident was taking responsibility for the problem.
A week or so later his wife rang him at work and told him that raw sewage and foul smelling water was lifting the inspection cover on the drain down their side path, directly underneath their window. Jim told her to get Dyno Rod or a plumber out to sort the problem, and he would speak to the other residents that evening regarding the bill.
His wife rang him back that a plumber would be coming, but it wouldn’t be to the end of the day. As it was winter and it got dark by 4.30pm the plumber told her he might not be able to clear the blockage until the next day.
The next day Jim comes in to work to tell me that the drains were still blocked, and the plumbers were coming back that morning to sort the problem, however something really weird happened last night.
About 1.30am he heard a noise down his side path and he could hear the Inspection Cover of the drain being lifted. He said that Dennis a guy living in the top floor flat had gone out in middle of the night and had looked down the manhole with a torch. Is that bizarre or what?
The next day was unbelievable.
The first phone call from his wife, she says that the plumbers had arrived. They started clearing the blockage and that they had found some strange items down the drain.
Remember this was before mobile phones, the plumber asks Jim’s wife to call the police and ask for a police car to be sent to the property. Jim asked what strange items have they found and his wife say’s the plumbers think they are human remains.
The second phone call. The police arrive; they also believe the items are probably human.
The third phone call. The police have arrived on mass. They have cordoned off the house and are searching all three properties within the building.
The fourth phone call. The police searched Jim’s flat, and the flat on the middle floor.
The police then told Jim’s wife that when they searched Dennis Nilsen’s flat on the top floor they found human remains stored in the flat.
That evening when I left work it was headlines in the Evening News and Standard, and the main item on the BBC and ITV News.
My colleague had been friends and a neighbour of Dennis Nielsen. The serial killer who killed between 12 and 18 men.
There were a couple of footnotes to this story.
As I have already mentioned this was before mobile phones. The following day Jim is back at work and he says, that evening there had been a knock on the door from an American TV News company. They had offered Jim and his wife £1,000 to allow them to be based in their flat, to let them have use of their telephone, and for Jim’s wife to keep them supplied with hot drinks and sandwiches throughout the day.
We were both earning about £175 per week at the time so this was a lot of money. Jim turned this offer down and said that he wasn’t interested. The house next door accepted the offer.
Jim, and Dennis Nilsen both owned dogs. Some evening they would walk their dogs together.
When the police broke into Nilsen’s flat they found his dog. Jim’s wife offered to look after the dog, which the police agreed to.
After a couple of weeks the police turned up and removed the dog. They told them that Nilsen had been feeding the dog human flesh (presumably he admitted this) and Jim said that the dog was going to be put down.
Anyone see Des on ITV last night? Brought back memories of this post!
Was thinking the same thing and telling my wife about this post.
I worked for a guy here in the U.S. who was English, and who acted like a Sergeant Major and talked gruffly to all of his employees. (about 40 of them) He always went to New York to buy his shoes, and spent a lot of money on them, he wouldn't however "break them in" himself, he'd have one of the salesmen who wore the same size wear them until they were acceptably softened up for him to wear himself. One rainy day I was in a meeting in his office with a bunch of other people, when he stopped what he was saying mid-sentence, got up and ran out of his office. We all watched him through his office window confront a salesman who was outside in the rain talking to a client, make the salesman take off his shoes right where he was standing, leave him standing talking to the client in his socks, and then come back into his office with his shoes in his hand and proceed to dry them off with a handkerchief. Then he carried on the meeting as if nothing had happened.
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Friend at work aged about 18 or 19 and family were over his mums for weekly Sunday dinner. Food eaten they all retired to the living room.
Back In the day they used to have the eastenders omnibus on a Sunday afternoon and blokes nan insisted on watching. My mate dozed off and woke up a bit later to find everyone looking at him. Turns out that whilst dozing on the sofa and sitting between his Nan and auntie he had a wet dream and made some very strange noises and movements.
When I got it charged up amd was looking at all the features I found out that he had neglected to delete the videos. So I had the pleasure of watching 4 videos of his wife giving him a very vigorous bj!
Sice that day I‘ve had problems lookimg her in the eyes when we meet!
Difference between men and women i guess.
No one believed him til the Christmas party.
Stood on my desk and shat all over it.
Everyone shouted what the hell did you do that for?
Just clearing my throat, he said.
He meant Lou C.
A girl at work was getting married in May and as part of her invites had a 'song request' on her RSVPs.
For a laugh, amongst other things (2 Become 1, Bad Romance), I put "Don't Marry Her" by the Beautiful South.
She hasn't been in this week. Turns out he's not. And that one of the other guests may have also suggested "Don't Marry Her, F**k Me".
I'm just glad I didn't also suggest "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".
I know someone who did that and shit in their tights :-)
One rainy day I was in a meeting in his office with a bunch of other people, when he stopped what he was saying mid-sentence, got up and ran out of his office. We all watched him through his office window confront a salesman who was outside in the rain talking to a client, make the salesman take off his shoes right where he was standing, leave him standing talking to the client in his socks, and then come back into his office with his shoes in his hand and proceed to dry them off with a handkerchief. Then he carried on the meeting as if nothing had happened.