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A bloke walks into a pub next to a hospital looking ashen faced, wearing a sweaty gown and towing a drip along with him. He goes to the bar and says 'Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?'The barman hesitates for a minute but decides its a free country and starts pouring out the drinks. The man downs them as they're poured, only pausing occasionally to cough and wipe the sweat from his brow, finishing by seeing the tequila shots off at pace.The patient, now even more pasty-faced, looks at the barman sadly and sighs:'I really shouldn't have drunk all that with what I've got...'The barman replies: 'why... what have you got?''About £3.50"15
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Shorter version, as I originally heard it:hermann said:A bloke walks into a pub next to a hospital looking ashen faced, wearing a sweaty gown and towing a drip along with him. He goes to the bar and says 'Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?'The barman hesitates for a minute but decides its a free country and starts pouring out the drinks. The man downs them as they're poured, only pausing occasionally to cough and wipe the sweat from his brow, finishing by seeing the tequila shots off at pace.The patient, now even more pasty-faced, looks at the barman sadly and sighs:'I really shouldn't have drunk all that with what I've got...'The barman replies: 'why... what have you got?''About £3.50"
Cowboy goes into the saloon. “Quick, give me a whiskey before the trouble starts”.
Barnan serves him. “When does the trouble start?”.
Cowboy downs it in one. “Now. I don’t have any money”.9 -
https://x.com/shayan86/status/1902666848346271910?s=46&t=mGCOqsYjoEyJN0_hC5SN_A
its about Russel Brand……so definitely worth the click 😄5 -
Two lawyers go into a cafe and order two drinks. Then they produce sandwiches from their briefcases and start to eat.
The waiter becomes quite concerned and marches over and tells them “You cannt eat your own sandwiches in here”
The lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and exchange sandwiches.9 -
Why do they have to be lawyers?0
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Because of the way they interpret the waiter’s statement.iaitch said:Why do they have to be lawyers?6 -
Seen a similar sketch in a Benny Hill show, sure they weren't lawyers.0
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Don't unfriend people because they have different views to you.
Be the adult.
Piss them off until they unfriend you.4 -
Husband - "George Foreman has died"
Wife - "Have you checked the fuse?"13 -
Why is it dogs can’t operate an MRI machine but cats can?6
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My mate is worth £4million poundsHe left school at 16 with no qualifications, knowing the classroom wasn’t for himHe started by buying old furniture at auction, refurbishing it, and selling it at a profitThen his aunt died and left him £4 million12
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A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter,
donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter",
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" ,
then he asks "did you win anything"
horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace,
the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall",
donkey replies
" thats me when I played for Juventus !"
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He was lying, wasn’t he? He really played for Notts County.R0TW said:A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter,
donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter",
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" ,
then he asks "did you win anything"
horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace,
the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall",
donkey replies
" thats me when I played for Juventus !"7 -
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OK, OK, you’ve made your point.Gisappointed said:.1 -
eh??? WTF???AddicksAddict said:
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I've been told to apologise to everyone for making jokes about English counties. So I just want to say, I'm Surrey
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Not been keeping up with the news?Hal1x said:
eh??? WTF???AddicksAddict said:2 -
I have but wheres the joke not being a Tolkien fan?AddicksAddict said:
Not been keeping up with the news?Hal1x said:
eh??? WTF???AddicksAddict said:0 -
The US people including a journalist in their Government chat.Hal1x said:
I have but wheres the joke not being a Tolkien fan?AddicksAddict said:
Not been keeping up with the news?Hal1x said:
eh??? WTF???AddicksAddict said:1 -
Gandalf is one of the good guys, the rest of them are various enemies that the protagonists face.Hal1x said:
I have but wheres the joke not being a Tolkien fan?AddicksAddict said:
Not been keeping up with the news?Hal1x said:
eh??? WTF???AddicksAddict said:1 -
I just took a meal round to my Nan, but I didn’t do a live feed on YouTube. What a waste of my time.1
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Yes, we’ve suffolked enough_MrDick said:I've been told to apologise to everyone for making jokes about English counties. So I just want to say, I'm Surrey7
