I am very lucky these days in that when I fly for work long-haul that I fly business class - makes a hell of a difference.
Back in my old job I used to travel long-haul at least once per month and had to fly economy - had some fucking nightmares.
Once was flying Singapore-London and was already pissed off at being in the very last row of the plane - the only consolation being that the aisle seat next to me was empty - result.
Suddenly I saw this fucking huge fat bitch walking down the aisle - must have been 30 stones easily - and sure enough she is in that spare seat.
Fuck me dead, this bitch was so fucking fat that she could not even lower her tray table - her huge gut prevented her from doing so.
Now, if I were as fat as that I'd be pretty sheepish about eating in public and drawing attention to my outrageous corpulence but this fat fucker had no such qualms, she could not have cared less.
Every 30 mins she'd be calling the hostesses over demanding more food, they brought her about six fucking Pot Noodles during the trip and even had to get her sandwiches from the business class cabin when they ran out of fucking Pot Noodles.
For fourteen long hours I was unable to leave my seat because this volumous mass of fat was stuck in her seat and could not move herself - total nightmare.
The only consolation came as I was leaving the plane and the Chief Steward called me aside and said that they really shouldn't have let the woman on the plane in the first place as she was way too big and by way of apology gave me a nice bottle of red wine from the First Class section.
Nice touch from Qantas but in all honesty I still get shivers when on board the plane and there is a spare seat next to me....always that lingering fear that ten tonne Teresa is going to turn up.
Aborted landings as others have stated which are an acquired taste. The hardest bit to comprehend is when the captain comes on the tannoy, apologises for failing to land because he can't see the runway/the winds is too strong/whatever reason, and then tells you he's having another go. Yeah cheers mate!
Flew from Tashkent to Samarkand in 95 in an old Yak 40 held together with sticky tape. If you've never been to Samarkand by the way get it on your bucket list.
Air India internal flight from Delhi to Jaipur with more livestock than people onboard.
5 seconds from disaster at Atlanta (the night Giggs scored that goal v Arsenal) when something pierced an engine a nano second after we lifted off and blew the engine up. Thankfully Atlanta has an uber-long runway and we put down, skidded to a sideways halt with flames spewing out and had it extinguished but just about any other airport in the world we'd have kept going and done a Concorde.
Landed at sumburgh on Shetland which was my first experience of sitting directly behind the wing on a plane landing on a runway that juts out into the sea. I swear I had fishermen on boats looking down at me. Nearly shat myself.
Flying to Atlanta, almighty bang, some minor panic ensues. Some people saw a flash. Pilot comes on and calms everyone down. No, nothing broke, no we weren't hit by lightning, it was a discharge of static.
On we go, coming in to land. Very cloudy. Suddenly the engines rev up I turn to my better half and I wonder why we've aborted the landing. Pilot tells us we were too close to the plane in front.
I was flying to Boston from London, but the captain told us they had a hydraulic failure and couldn't raise the flaps. We'd have to fly around ( for 4.5 hours it turns out) to burn off fuel before we can land. About half an hour later he comes back on, someone had been using the inflight phone to call American in the US telling them that we were going to crash land because we could lower the landing gear. He explained again, the was no problem with the landing gear, it was the flaps.
When we finally get to land, he comes back on, reminds everyone the landing gear is fine, and the flaps were stuck in the right position for takeoff and landing. And then he adds "don't be concerned by all the emergency vehicles lining the runway with their light flashing, they like to use these situations as practice". That freaked out a couple of people. But it was fun to see them all file in behind the plane and follow it to the gate.
I am very lucky these days in that when I fly for work long-haul that I fly business class - makes a hell of a difference.
Back in my old job I used to travel long-haul at least once per month and had to fly economy - had some fucking nightmares.
Once was flying Singapore-London and was already pissed off at being in the very last row of the plane - the only consolation being that the aisle seat next to me was empty - result.
Suddenly I saw this fucking huge fat bitch walking down the aisle - must have been 30 stones easily - and sure enough she is in that spare seat.
Fuck me dead, this bitch was so fucking fat that she could not even lower her tray table - her huge gut prevented her from doing so.
Now, if I were as fat as that I'd be pretty sheepish about eating in public and drawing attention to my outrageous corpulence but this fat fucker had no such qualms, she could not have cared less.
Every 30 mins she'd be calling the hostesses over demanding more food, they brought her about six fucking Pot Noodles during the trip and even had to get her sandwiches from the business class cabin when they ran out of fucking Pot Noodles.
For fourteen long hours I was unable to leave my seat because this volumous mass of fat was stuck in her seat and could not move herself - total nightmare.
The only consolation came as I was leaving the plane and the Chief Steward called me aside and said that they really shouldn't have let the woman on the plane in the first place as she was way too big and by way of apology gave me a nice bottle of red wine from the First Class section.
Nice touch from Qantas but in all honesty I still get shivers when on board the plane and there is a spare seat next to me....always that lingering fear that ten tonne Teresa is going to turn up.
They should have put either you or Hattie Jaques in the first class section, not take a bottle out of it.
I assume if the airlines starting asking how big or how much you weigh then someone would scream about their human rights and the airlines were being fattist.
I assume if the airlines starting asking how big or how much you weigh then someone would scream about their human rights and the airlines were being fattist.
It wouldn't be good for their business - book a ticket with us and feel insulted! I'm sure there is already a rule that if you take up more than one seat, you pay for more than one.
I am very lucky these days in that when I fly for work long-haul that I fly business class - makes a hell of a difference.
Back in my old job I used to travel long-haul at least once per month and had to fly economy - had some fucking nightmares.
Once was flying Singapore-London and was already pissed off at being in the very last row of the plane - the only consolation being that the aisle seat next to me was empty - result.
Suddenly I saw this fucking huge fat bitch walking down the aisle - must have been 30 stones easily - and sure enough she is in that spare seat.
Fuck me dead, this bitch was so fucking fat that she could not even lower her tray table - her huge gut prevented her from doing so.
Now, if I were as fat as that I'd be pretty sheepish about eating in public and drawing attention to my outrageous corpulence but this fat fucker had no such qualms, she could not have cared less.
Every 30 mins she'd be calling the hostesses over demanding more food, they brought her about six fucking Pot Noodles during the trip and even had to get her sandwiches from the business class cabin when they ran out of fucking Pot Noodles.
For fourteen long hours I was unable to leave my seat because this volumous mass of fat was stuck in her seat and could not move herself - total nightmare.
The only consolation came as I was leaving the plane and the Chief Steward called me aside and said that they really shouldn't have let the woman on the plane in the first place as she was way too big and by way of apology gave me a nice bottle of red wine from the First Class section.
Nice touch from Qantas but in all honesty I still get shivers when on board the plane and there is a spare seat next to me....always that lingering fear that ten tonne Teresa is going to turn up.
They should have put either you or Hattie Jaques in the first class section, not take a bottle out of it.
To be fair they probably did the right thing in keeping her where she was, if they'd put the fat fucker down the front end of the plane we'd probably have plunged nose first into the ocean.
A bloke from work went on a stag-do to Riga where the stag was handcuffed to a dwarf the entire weekend. They uncuffed them to go through security, otherwise they sat together on the flight, whilst eating, standing at the urinal, had to sleep together, in the strip club, so on.
Apparently the dwarf made a reasonable living from it, he would sit there not joining in their conversations, would accept the occasional beer - was very professional about his 'job'.
Actually, I'm going to contradict myself here, they did uncuff him at another point, where the dwarf was forced to ride the stag like a donkey up the main street in Riga.
A bloke from work went on a stag-do to Riga where the stag was handcuffed to a dwarf the entire weekend. They uncuffed them to go through security, otherwise they sat together on the flight, whilst eating, standing at the urinal, had to sleep together, in the strip club, so on.
Apparently the dwarf made a reasonable living from it, he would sit there not joining in their conversations, would accept the occasional beer - was very professional about his 'job'.
Actually, I'm going to contradict myself here, they did uncuff him at another point, where the dwarf was forced to ride the stag like a donkey up the main street in Riga.
Whether they just missed it through their own stupidity or were stopped from boarding by security I don't know but they weren't on the plane. Apparently they were pissed on the way out too and somebody kicked off with them on the flight out. I don't think they were missed.
Flying from Hong Kong to Singapore about 20 years ago, the woman in front lifts her long hair over the seat and drapes it down onto our side, covering the small tv screen in the back of the seat. It was just really weird and we took a couple of minutes to get over our confusion. I didn't want to get involved as it was over my Mrs' seat and probably wasn't going to watch tv anyway. We returned the hair back quite gently only for the woman to start huffing like we'd done something wrong
Not a journey from hell for me, but for an air stewardess, @Clem_Snide and other passengers. Clem and I had been to Glasgow for the weekend on a football / drinking extravaganza in the lead up to flight home, I’d had a few light ales and various shorts and decided to purchase loaded magazine. I sat on the plane and made the entire plane aware of the fact I was there. By the time we had taken off and I had another beer in hand, I was trying to get said air stewardess to have a look at some of the pictures in this magazine. After pissing off all and sundry, I promptly fell asleep with beer in hand, woke up on landing and hadn’t managed to spill a drop.
The flight up wasn’t much better as I was convinced the plane was going to crash in to the main stand at Highfield Road. That’s what happens when you start drinking Double Gin and Tonics at 6am - I may have even squeezed Clems knee for comfort.
Not a journey from hell for me, but for an air stewardess, @Clem_Snide and other passengers. Clem and I had been to Glasgow for the weekend on a football / drinking extravaganza in the lead up to flight home, I’d had a few light ales and various shorts and decided to purchase loaded magazine. I sat on the plane and made the entire plane aware of the fact I was there. By the time we had taken off and I had another beer in hand, I was trying to get said air stewardess to have a look at some of the pictures in this magazine. After pissing off all and sundry, I promptly fell asleep with beer in hand, woke up on landing and hadn’t managed to spill a drop.
The flight up wasn’t much better as I was convinced the plane was going to crash in to the main stand at Highfield Road. That’s what happens when you start drinking Double Gin and Tonics at 6am - I may have even squeezed Clems cock for comfort.
We did. Didn't get as long in there as expected due to the car breaking down on way to the airport (everyone's nightmare scenario!) but lounge was fine. Not too busy at all, nice a quiet, food was ok but portion sized for Lilliputians but plenty of snacks, fruit, magazines, etc. for the missus and so would definitely do it again. Would definitely not pay £38.50 each for it which was the walk up rate.
Not a journey from hell for me, but for an air stewardess, @Clem_Snide and other passengers. Clem and I had been to Glasgow for the weekend on a football / drinking extravaganza in the lead up to flight home, I’d had a few light ales and various shorts and decided to purchase loaded magazine. I sat on the plane and made the entire plane aware of the fact I was there. By the time we had taken off and I had another beer in hand, I was trying to get said air stewardess to have a look at some of the pictures in this magazine. After pissing off all and sundry, I promptly fell asleep with beer in hand, woke up on landing and hadn’t managed to spill a drop.
The flight up wasn’t much better as I was convinced the plane was going to crash in to the main stand at Highfield Road. That’s what happens when you start drinking Double Gin and Tonics at 6am - I may have even squeezed Clems cock for comfort.
Only just caught up with this thread, funny stories.
I'm on a 06.30 easyJet flight to Faro tomorrow, hopefully enough beers for the 8 of us on the corporate jolly and enough Horlicks for the rest of the plane..
Only just caught up with this thread, funny stories.
I'm on a 06.30 easyJet flight to Faro tomorrow, hopefully enough beers for the 8 of us on the corporate jolly and enough Horlicks for the rest of the plane..
A bloke from work went on a stag-do to Riga where the stag was handcuffed to a dwarf the entire weekend. They uncuffed them to go through security, otherwise they sat together on the flight, whilst eating, standing at the urinal, had to sleep together, in the strip club, so on.
Apparently the dwarf made a reasonable living from it, he would sit there not joining in their conversations, would accept the occasional beer - was very professional about his 'job'.
Actually, I'm going to contradict myself here, they did uncuff him at another point, where the dwarf was forced to ride the stag like a donkey up the main street in Riga.
And before my two friends join in, I was not the dwarf.
I used to have fairly frequent trips to production platforms (oil rigs) in the North sea. See my post August 17th. One such trip took me to the B.P. Forties field where 4 production platforms pumped oil back to the U.K. My work on the first platform, was interrupted by a call to visit the furthest platform in the field. I was 'bused' on a small 2 man bubble fronted helicopter old farts will remember the Whirlybirds T.V. program . As we approached our destination, fog suddenly engulfed us. We circled for a few minutes looking for the platform but to no avail. The pilot indicated that we would return to our departure platform. Unfortunately the fog had closed in and we could not find the rig. We hovered and circled for some time, the pilot busy on his radio. I was aware that we were probably to far from (Aberdeen) to return to land. Squeaky bum time. Then suddenly we began to descend through the fog and a ship appeared with a heli deck on board and the pilot plonked the helicopter down. "This is where we stay until it clears" he said switching the engine off. Next day all was well and I finally reached my destination.
Not a journey from hell for me, but for an air stewardess, @Clem_Snide and other passengers. Clem and I had been to Glasgow for the weekend on a football / drinking extravaganza in the lead up to flight home, I’d had a few light ales and various shorts and decided to purchase loaded magazine. I sat on the plane and made the entire plane aware of the fact I was there. By the time we had taken off and I had another beer in hand, I was trying to get said air stewardess to have a look at some of the pictures in this magazine. After pissing off all and sundry, I promptly fell asleep with beer in hand, woke up on landing and hadn’t managed to spill a drop.
The flight up wasn’t much better as I was convinced the plane was going to crash in to the main stand at Highfield Road. That’s what happens when you start drinking Double Gin and Tonics at 6am - I may have even squeezed Clems cock for comfort.
A bloke from work went on a stag-do to Riga where the stag was handcuffed to a dwarf the entire weekend. They uncuffed them to go through security, otherwise they sat together on the flight, whilst eating, standing at the urinal, had to sleep together, in the strip club, so on.
Apparently the dwarf made a reasonable living from it, he would sit there not joining in their conversations, would accept the occasional beer - was very professional about his 'job'.
Actually, I'm going to contradict myself here, they did uncuff him at another point, where the dwarf was forced to ride the stag like a donkey up the main street in Riga.
Probably my age, but am I the only one that thinks this is disgusting way to treat another human, even if he is earning a living out of it. Before any comments, I do mean the dwarf (horrible word), not the stag
A bloke from work went on a stag-do to Riga where the stag was handcuffed to a dwarf the entire weekend. They uncuffed them to go through security, otherwise they sat together on the flight, whilst eating, standing at the urinal, had to sleep together, in the strip club, so on.
Apparently the dwarf made a reasonable living from it, he would sit there not joining in their conversations, would accept the occasional beer - was very professional about his 'job'.
Actually, I'm going to contradict myself here, they did uncuff him at another point, where the dwarf was forced to ride the stag like a donkey up the main street in Riga.
Probably my age, but am I the only one that thinks this is disgusting way to treat another human, even if he is earning a living out of it. Before any comments, I do mean the dwarf (horrible word), not the stag
A bloke from work went on a stag-do to Riga where the stag was handcuffed to a dwarf the entire weekend. They uncuffed them to go through security, otherwise they sat together on the flight, whilst eating, standing at the urinal, had to sleep together, in the strip club, so on.
Apparently the dwarf made a reasonable living from it, he would sit there not joining in their conversations, would accept the occasional beer - was very professional about his 'job'.
Actually, I'm going to contradict myself here, they did uncuff him at another point, where the dwarf was forced to ride the stag like a donkey up the main street in Riga.
Probably my age, but am I the only one that thinks this is disgusting way to treat another human, even if he is earning a living out of it. Before any comments, I do mean the dwarf (horrible word), not the stag
Probably more the paper you read than your age.
Do not read newspapers very often, another sign that I have a problem
No one kidnaps a dwarf and enslaves them is stag do servitude. I am pretty confident he would be self employed, gets to travel and probably has a right laugh as well.
So I'm someone who HATES travelling, not planes but just long distance travel with luggage by any means of transport.
Earlier this summer I was getting a plane back from Paphos Cyprus to Gatwick. Our flight was delayed by an hour (not too bad), we get on, doors armed etc. Then the pilot comes out and says we can't go because no toilets are working. They obviously knew this before we got on which pissed everyone off. By the time we got off it was midnight. Then chaos ensued. The travel handlers hired by Easyjet were lying to us for the next 4 hours. We refused hotels 3hrs+ away and eventually by 4am we got to a very nice 4* Spa. However, the driver of our coach was a lunatic and the coach caught fire as we pulled up at the Hotel and he used our water bottles to put it out!
Anyway. Next day we hear our rescheduled flight is 24hrs after the original (although at first Easyjet sent various passengers conflicting information). We were at a 4* Spa bare in mind and they allocated us 10euros for breakfast and 15 for dinner, which wouldn't even get us a drink and a starter.
Coach back to the airport had a more sain driver. We get on board all fine and we're finally off! However... some elderly-ish lady (maybe late 60s) decided that she'd spend the 24hrs between the cancelled flight and the new flight getting pissed. They still let her on board. Attempting to cut a very very long story short, she required an oxygen mask and they announced on the plane that if any doctors were on board they were needed. A student nurse was the best they could get. We then had to emergency land in Bulgaria. When we landed paramedics came on board and she refused, yes REFUSED medical treatment for 10mins+. She goes off, they sign to say she's fit to board again, we get ready to take off, doors armed etc. Then she says she's feeling sick again. After deliberation the Captain says she must leave the plane. They have to spend ages finding her and her very annoyed daughter's (annoyed at her mother) luggage. After 1hr30mins in Bulgaria we finally set off to Gatwick.
During this passengers argued with eachother regarding the situation. A passenger has an arguement with a Steward, the stewardard demanding she be kicked off the plane. The Steward gets a bollocking from the Captain and passengers etc. This caused the delay in Bulgaria to last ages.
Absolute chaos. Being someone who hates travelling this was honestly the worst experience of my life by far.
Oh also my Girlfriend was needing to catch a flight after (thinking she'd have a day to pack for her girls' holiday - which her dad had to pack for her). We just got back to Gatwick in time.
You couldn't make this stuff up. With my hatred of travelling it almost ruined one of the best holidays I've ever been on.
Comments
Back in my old job I used to travel long-haul at least once per month and had to fly economy - had some fucking nightmares.
Once was flying Singapore-London and was already pissed off at being in the very last row of the plane - the only consolation being that the aisle seat next to me was empty - result.
Suddenly I saw this fucking huge fat bitch walking down the aisle - must have been 30 stones easily - and sure enough she is in that spare seat.
Fuck me dead, this bitch was so fucking fat that she could not even lower her tray table - her huge gut prevented her from doing so.
Now, if I were as fat as that I'd be pretty sheepish about eating in public and drawing attention to my outrageous corpulence but this fat fucker had no such qualms, she could not have cared less.
Every 30 mins she'd be calling the hostesses over demanding more food, they brought her about six fucking Pot Noodles during the trip and even had to get her sandwiches from the business class cabin when they ran out of fucking Pot Noodles.
For fourteen long hours I was unable to leave my seat because this volumous mass of fat was stuck in her seat and could not move herself - total nightmare.
The only consolation came as I was leaving the plane and the Chief Steward called me aside and said that they really shouldn't have let the woman on the plane in the first place as she was way too big and by way of apology gave me a nice bottle of red wine from the First Class section.
Nice touch from Qantas but in all honesty I still get shivers when on board the plane and there is a spare seat next to me....always that lingering fear that ten tonne Teresa is going to turn up.
On we go, coming in to land. Very cloudy. Suddenly the engines rev up I turn to my better half and I wonder why we've aborted the landing. Pilot tells us we were too close to the plane in front.
I was flying to Boston from London, but the captain told us they had a hydraulic failure and couldn't raise the flaps. We'd have to fly around ( for 4.5 hours it turns out) to burn off fuel before we can land. About half an hour later he comes back on, someone had been using the inflight phone to call American in the US telling them that we were going to crash land because we could lower the landing gear. He explained again, the was no problem with the landing gear, it was the flaps.
When we finally get to land, he comes back on, reminds everyone the landing gear is fine, and the flaps were stuck in the right position for takeoff and landing. And then he adds "don't be concerned by all the emergency vehicles lining the runway with their light flashing, they like to use these situations as practice". That freaked out a couple of people. But it was fun to see them all file in behind the plane and follow it to the gate.
A bloke from work went on a stag-do to Riga where the stag was handcuffed to a dwarf the entire weekend. They uncuffed them to go through security, otherwise they sat together on the flight, whilst eating, standing at the urinal, had to sleep together, in the strip club, so on.
Apparently the dwarf made a reasonable living from it, he would sit there not joining in their conversations, would accept the occasional beer - was very professional about his 'job'.
Actually, I'm going to contradict myself here, they did uncuff him at another point, where the dwarf was forced to ride the stag like a donkey up the main street in Riga.
Whether they just missed it through their own stupidity or were stopped from boarding by security I don't know but they weren't on the plane. Apparently they were pissed on the way out too and somebody kicked off with them on the flight out. I don't think they were missed.
The flight up wasn’t much better as I was convinced the plane was going to crash in to the main stand at Highfield Road. That’s what happens when you start drinking Double Gin and Tonics at 6am - I may have even squeezed Clems knee for comfort.
I'm on a 06.30 easyJet flight to Faro tomorrow, hopefully enough beers for the 8 of us on the corporate jolly and enough Horlicks for the rest of the plane..
Enjoy your freebie.
See my post August 17th.
One such trip took me to the B.P. Forties field where 4 production platforms pumped oil back to the U.K.
My work on the first platform, was interrupted by a call to visit the furthest platform in the field.
I was 'bused' on a small 2 man bubble fronted helicopter old farts will remember the Whirlybirds T.V. program .
As we approached our destination, fog suddenly engulfed us.
We circled for a few minutes looking for the platform but to no avail.
The pilot indicated that we would return to our departure platform.
Unfortunately the fog had closed in and we could not find the rig.
We hovered and circled for some time, the pilot busy on his radio.
I was aware that we were probably to far from (Aberdeen) to return to land.
Squeaky bum time.
Then suddenly we began to descend through the fog and a ship appeared with a heli deck on board and the pilot plonked the helicopter down.
"This is where we stay until it clears" he said switching the engine off.
Next day all was well and I finally reached my destination.
So I'm someone who HATES travelling, not planes but just long distance travel with luggage by any means of transport.
Earlier this summer I was getting a plane back from Paphos Cyprus to Gatwick. Our flight was delayed by an hour (not too bad), we get on, doors armed etc. Then the pilot comes out and says we can't go because no toilets are working. They obviously knew this before we got on which pissed everyone off. By the time we got off it was midnight. Then chaos ensued. The travel handlers hired by Easyjet were lying to us for the next 4 hours. We refused hotels 3hrs+ away and eventually by 4am we got to a very nice 4* Spa. However, the driver of our coach was a lunatic and the coach caught fire as we pulled up at the Hotel and he used our water bottles to put it out!
Anyway. Next day we hear our rescheduled flight is 24hrs after the original (although at first Easyjet sent various passengers conflicting information). We were at a 4* Spa bare in mind and they allocated us 10euros for breakfast and 15 for dinner, which wouldn't even get us a drink and a starter.
Coach back to the airport had a more sain driver. We get on board all fine and we're finally off! However... some elderly-ish lady (maybe late 60s) decided that she'd spend the 24hrs between the cancelled flight and the new flight getting pissed. They still let her on board. Attempting to cut a very very long story short, she required an oxygen mask and they announced on the plane that if any doctors were on board they were needed. A student nurse was the best they could get. We then had to emergency land in Bulgaria. When we landed paramedics came on board and she refused, yes REFUSED medical treatment for 10mins+. She goes off, they sign to say she's fit to board again, we get ready to take off, doors armed etc. Then she says she's feeling sick again. After deliberation the Captain says she must leave the plane. They have to spend ages finding her and her very annoyed daughter's (annoyed at her mother) luggage. After 1hr30mins in Bulgaria we finally set off to Gatwick.
During this passengers argued with eachother regarding the situation. A passenger has an arguement with a Steward, the stewardard demanding she be kicked off the plane. The Steward gets a bollocking from the Captain and passengers etc. This caused the delay in Bulgaria to last ages.
Absolute chaos. Being someone who hates travelling this was honestly the worst experience of my life by far.
Oh also my Girlfriend was needing to catch a flight after (thinking she'd have a day to pack for her girls' holiday - which her dad had to pack for her). We just got back to Gatwick in time.
You couldn't make this stuff up. With my hatred of travelling it almost ruined one of the best holidays I've ever been on.
Wont be flying again for as long as possible.