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  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,104

  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,104
    I knew a farmer who fed his pregnant pig marmite.
    Last week she had 12 twiglets.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,783

  • SuedeAdidas
    SuedeAdidas Posts: 7,740

  • Arsenetatters
    Arsenetatters Posts: 5,974
    SuedeAdidas said:

    Just googled him. Apparently got 2 years in prison for burgling Paul Young’s house. Weird guy.
  • soapboxsam
    soapboxsam Posts: 23,229
    edited February 7
    Arsenetatters said:
    SuedeAdidas said:

    Just googled him. Apparently got 2 years in prison for burgling Paul Young’s house. Weird guy.

    I don't watch anything he's been on but with all the advertising of future programmes it's impossible to escape him.
    Campo Gino robbed Paul Young's London flat when he was 21 and stole two Guitars worth 4k and other items.

    Why wasn't the scumbag deported ?

    That is a JOKE but I'm not surprised.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,783

  • CarltonAthleticDance
    CarltonAthleticDance Posts: 181
    Arsenetatters said:
    SuedeAdidas said:

    Just googled him. Apparently got 2 years in prison for burgling Paul Young’s house. Weird guy.
    Maybe with his poor English he took the lyrics ‘wherever I lay my hat, that’s my home’, literally.
  • ForeverAddickted
    ForeverAddickted Posts: 94,316
    edited February 7
    I just won an award for being the most secretive guy at work

    I cant tell you how much this means
  • ForeverAddickted
    ForeverAddickted Posts: 94,316
    edited February 7
    I went to the Pharmacy and asked to buy some condoms.

    Cashier says: "Just a minute"

    "Yeah I think thats the name of the brand" I replied
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  • Fumbluff
    Fumbluff Posts: 10,126
    AddicksAddict said:

    I’ve not seen Danny Baker for ages
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,783
    You are accused of witchcraft, in that you did turn our magistrate into a toad. How do you plead?

    Not guilty. I actually meant to turn him into a turd.

    Then mayhap you should have used spellcheck.
  • Ian Nightingale
    Ian Nightingale Posts: 392

  • ForeverAddickted
    ForeverAddickted Posts: 94,316
    edited February 8
    My wife said to me: "You havent heard a word I've just said have you"

    I thought it was a really strange way to start a conversation

    ----

    How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

    You poker face...

    ----

    Just watched legally blonde and my girlfriend asked if I’d fuck Reece Witherspoon

    Not sure why I'd use a spoon though!!
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,022
    ForeverAddickted said:
    My wife said to me: "You havent heard a word I've just said have you"

    I thought it was a really strange way to start a conversation...
    Thanks, I'm forever being told that. Gonna use that one.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,783
    As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...


    ...I remind myself to not always trust Google maps.
  • ForeverAddickted
    ForeverAddickted Posts: 94,316
    Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
    He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,783
    Why do dentists refuse to treat grizzlies unless they're heavily sedated?

    Because there's safety in numb bears.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,783

  • seth plum
    seth plum Posts: 53,448
    I hate Russian dolls.
    Little bastards are full of themselves.
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  • seth plum
    seth plum Posts: 53,448
    When I was in school, and we were doing the letter of the day, and this day was the letter 'N'. I was mucking about in class, as usual, and the teacher said to me "Why don't you tell the rest of the class something you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I said "Spelling."
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,022
    seth plum said:
    I hate Russian dolls.
    Little bastards are full of themselves.
    Very clever!
  • seth plum
    seth plum Posts: 53,448
    What did Hannibal say when he saw his elephants coming over the mountains after a very hard slog?
    He said "Look there are my lovely elephants".
    But what did he say when he saw them come over the 
    mountains with sunglasses on  ?...........Nothing because he didn't recognise them.
  • seth plum
    seth plum Posts: 53,448
    How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Trick question, they only use gas lighting.
  • seth plum
    seth plum Posts: 53,448
    edited February 11
    PERSON A: What do you do for a living?
    PERSON B: I hunt and kill aliens.

    A: What? Aliens don't exist!
    B: Have you never seen one?
    A: No.
    B: You're welcome!
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,783
    How can you tell when an elephant’s been in your fridge?

    There are elephant footprints in the butter.
  • Swindon_Addick
    Swindon_Addick Posts: 1,633

  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,225
    Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

    So they can hide in cherry trees.

    Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

    No, I rest my case.
  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,225
    Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

    So the can hide upside down in a bowl of custard. 
  • ForeverAddickted
    ForeverAddickted Posts: 94,316
    Thought about seeing Oppenheimer at the cinema when it came out, stood in line even... But then I heard it was three hours long, not to mention I was starving. 

    So went to the Barbie-Queue instead

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